Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. How does one deal with rumination, in particular, by a spouse?

A lot of different DSM diagnoses involve rumination. Anxiety, OCD, depression. So it depends. If the ruminating is “ego dystonic” and they are self aware (like OCD) you probably have a different approach than a depressed person stuck in a negative thought spiral but not seeing the thoughts.

Def do not see any ruminating by our Asperger family members.

If anything it’s scary how easily they hit the Reset button after having a blow up or offending someone. They sleep like a baby, wake up like nothing happened, and ignore the elephant in the room.

My speeders spouse definitely doesn’t “fight fair.” In fact he typically deflects, blames others, makes excuses, lies, and would rather start a side argument than resolve a small or large conflict. That’s quite damaging to trust and what’s left of the relationship. It’s not ruminating but he’ll bring up one-offs from long ago to try to “prove” he didn’t do something. Or it doesn’t matter (to him very little matters.).

Same. I think some people tend to over focus and ruminate and others tend to under focus and just live by impulse day to day. My ex also had adhd, so it was a combination of ADHD and autism among other issues. The adhd part was probably the lack of executive function like the time blindness. The autism part was related to the social issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. How does one deal with rumination, in particular, by a spouse?

A lot of different DSM diagnoses involve rumination. Anxiety, OCD, depression. So it depends. If the ruminating is “ego dystonic” and they are self aware (like OCD) you probably have a different approach than a depressed person stuck in a negative thought spiral but not seeing the thoughts.

Def do not see any ruminating by our Asperger family members.

If anything it’s scary how easily they hit the Reset button after having a blow up or offending someone. They sleep like a baby, wake up like nothing happened, and ignore the elephant in the room.

My speeders spouse definitely doesn’t “fight fair.” In fact he typically deflects, blames others, makes excuses, lies, and would rather start a side argument than resolve a small or large conflict. That’s quite damaging to trust and what’s left of the relationship. It’s not ruminating but he’ll bring up one-offs from long ago to try to “prove” he didn’t do something. Or it doesn’t matter (to him very little matters.).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. How does one deal with rumination, in particular, by a spouse?

A lot of different DSM diagnoses involve rumination. Anxiety, OCD, depression. So it depends. If the ruminating is “ego dystonic” and they are self aware (like OCD) you probably have a different approach than a depressed person stuck in a negative thought spiral but not seeing the thoughts.

Def do not see any ruminating by our Asperger family members.

If anything it’s scary how easily they hit the Reset button after having a blow up or offending someone. They sleep like a baby, wake up like nothing happened, and ignore the elephant in the room.

My speeders spouse definitely doesn’t “fight fair.” In fact he typically deflects, blames others, makes excuses, lies, and would rather start a side argument than resolve a small or large conflict. That’s quite damaging to trust and what’s left of the relationship. It’s not ruminating but he’ll bring up one-offs from long ago to try to “prove” he didn’t do something. Or it doesn’t matter (to him very little matters.).

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Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Those were two separate points, can you fathom that and hold two separate points in your head?

Point 1 was a PP tried once at doing neurotypical things with her ASD in laws, it was a waste of time and unappreciated, she instantly stopped doing so, she feels good.

Point 2 was a PP empathizes and feels sorry for the many people who had no idea was ASD and were living with an ASD partner in a cloud of confusion, for possibly many years.

Where’s the empathy for people with autism? Nowhere, right? Empathy is something people with autism both lack and are unentitled to themselves, per PPs.

Everywhere, once it’s known.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Lots of posters here understand and empathize with the ASD person, likely better than the ASD person understands themselves. Mindblindness, lack of self awareness, lack of Theory of mind is real in HFa. op said her spouse has a recent asd diagnoses, so she will learn all about it as well, if she has time.

Relationship: the way in which 2 or more people are connected; an emotional connection between people.

Do you mean to say sympathy or help for people with autism? What would this look like to you?
You simultaneously attack others for not letting an ASD person be or for forcing them to do things. Sounds tough to help if help means leaving them alone all the time. But then you say not to leave them alone.

Definition of relationship:

The “lack of theory of mind” thing is pretty much unsupported by research now (not replicable, like much of social science) so you lend yourself zero credibility when you cite debunked and prejudicial concepts about autism.

When you traffic in negative and uniformed stereotypes you do zero to help people with autism or their families.

For examples a poster responded directly to your new claim of empathy.

You respond with a minute fixation and disregard the response to your hypothetical question and claim.

Their entire response was about how debunked notions like “theory of mind” relate to people with autism’s supposed lack of empathy. The fact is, unless I accept your premise that people with autism are terrible, no-empathy, deceptive (yet socially charming!) people, you’re going to be mad. It makes you furious that I don’t buy into your psychodrama where you are the Casandra and your terrible ASD husband is tormenting you.

You seem like the only one here going bonkers over and over again.
You have the same reaction and reply every time. We get it, you’re ASD and defensive. Work on it with your therapist.
DCUM can’t help you and you can’t help DCUM. Your posts are a mirror image of what Nt spouses have to deal with when their ASD spouse goes into belligerent shutdown lash out mode. But you already knew that, deep down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. How does one deal with rumination, in particular, by a spouse?

A lot of different DSM diagnoses involve rumination. Anxiety, OCD, depression. So it depends. If the ruminating is “ego dystonic” and they are self aware (like OCD) you probably have a different approach than a depressed person stuck in a negative thought spiral but not seeing the thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:Op is way ahead of those married to asd who temper tantrums and is verbally abusive and around the kids.

Today he was eating dinner, in his own world, chewing with his mouth open and eating quickly (a slob). I said, chew with your mouth closed, he storms off to the living room to eat (immature), I say don’t have a temper tantrum just chew with your mouth closed, and he yells Shut up (a jerk).

This is how he is anytime someone talks to him in the house about a request or concern. He wants everyone to never talk, leave him alone and walk on eggshells. He’s been working all day on his work computer too plus did one sports drive.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Those were two separate points, can you fathom that and hold two separate points in your head?

Point 1 was a PP tried once at doing neurotypical things with her ASD in laws, it was a waste of time and unappreciated, she instantly stopped doing so, she feels good.

Point 2 was a PP empathizes and feels sorry for the many people who had no idea was ASD and were living with an ASD partner in a cloud of confusion, for possibly many years.

Where’s the empathy for people with autism? Nowhere, right? Empathy is something people with autism both lack and are unentitled to themselves, per PPs.

Everywhere, once it’s known.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Lots of posters here understand and empathize with the ASD person, likely better than the ASD person understands themselves. Mindblindness, lack of self awareness, lack of Theory of mind is real in HFa. op said her spouse has a recent asd diagnoses, so she will learn all about it as well, if she has time.

Relationship: the way in which 2 or more people are connected; an emotional connection between people.

Do you mean to say sympathy or help for people with autism? What would this look like to you?
You simultaneously attack others for not letting an ASD person be or for forcing them to do things. Sounds tough to help if help means leaving them alone all the time. But then you say not to leave them alone.

Definition of relationship:

The “lack of theory of mind” thing is pretty much unsupported by research now (not replicable, like much of social science) so you lend yourself zero credibility when you cite debunked and prejudicial concepts about autism.

When you traffic in negative and uniformed stereotypes you do zero to help people with autism or their families.

For examples a poster responded directly to your new claim of empathy.

You respond with a minute fixation and disregard the response to your hypothetical question and claim.

Their entire response was about how debunked notions like “theory of mind” relate to people with autism’s supposed lack of empathy. The fact is, unless I accept your premise that people with autism are terrible, no-empathy, deceptive (yet socially charming!) people, you’re going to be mad. It makes you furious that I don’t buy into your psychodrama where you are the Casandra and your terrible ASD husband is tormenting you.

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. How does one deal with rumination, in particular, by a spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Those were two separate points, can you fathom that and hold two separate points in your head?

Point 1 was a PP tried once at doing neurotypical things with her ASD in laws, it was a waste of time and unappreciated, she instantly stopped doing so, she feels good.

Point 2 was a PP empathizes and feels sorry for the many people who had no idea was ASD and were living with an ASD partner in a cloud of confusion, for possibly many years.

Where’s the empathy for people with autism? Nowhere, right? Empathy is something people with autism both lack and are unentitled to themselves, per PPs.

Everywhere, once it’s known.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Lots of posters here understand and empathize with the ASD person, likely better than the ASD person understands themselves. Mindblindness, lack of self awareness, lack of Theory of mind is real in HFa. op said her spouse has a recent asd diagnoses, so she will learn all about it as well, if she has time.

Relationship: the way in which 2 or more people are connected; an emotional connection between people.

Do you mean to say sympathy or help for people with autism? What would this look like to you?
You simultaneously attack others for not letting an ASD person be or for forcing them to do things. Sounds tough to help if help means leaving them alone all the time. But then you say not to leave them alone.

Definition of relationship:

The “lack of theory of mind” thing is pretty much unsupported by research now (not replicable, like much of social science) so you lend yourself zero credibility when you cite debunked and prejudicial concepts about autism.

When you traffic in negative and uniformed stereotypes you do zero to help people with autism or their families.

For examples a poster responded directly to your new claim of empathy.

You respond with a minute fixation and disregard the response to your hypothetical question and claim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Hold up.

Isn’t the HFA ASD person imposing their views on OP and the whole family.
The don’t like most things or can’t do most things so unless Op truly does bother her and his role, they all sink to the lowest denominator: Doing nothing.

Don’t you see. He is doing exactly what he wants, whenever he wants. Ignoring all responsibilities or obligations to others. What a privileged way to live, only thinking of oneself morning, noon, and night.