Anonymous wrote:Why not let kids just chillax and be themselves?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re blessed with an intrinsically motivated kid, good for you.

Most kids are not this way s it may take years of parenting to find what they’re willing to spend time and effort doing. They may never do that. Thus yes, parents should set up incentives to do the work, get good grades.

Third level is kids incapable and need scaffolding for basic stuff, which hopefully get taken away over time. Being mentally healthy, functional and graduating high school are big wins. Very humbling to raise a special needs child, even if mild.

Sure, the problem is how much variation on that there is in this thread. Lost screen privileges for a month for a B? Required instruments? Required sports? Seems over the top and will not result in intrinsic motivation

+1

If your teen won’t ever get off the couch and you’re hearing from their teachers that they’re a problem, then yes. Your kid isn’t functioning properly, and you need to intervene. Setting basic academic expectations and standards and incentives is one of many ways to do that.

But if this is about your kid getting B’s, wanting to drop their instrument or obligatory sport that they don’t enjoy, then maybe you need to go with the flow and get curious about what might interest them instead.

This may take time. They may spend more time “doing nothing” on their phone for awhile. Keep asking and listening. When teens feel empowered to choose (and believe their choices will be accepted), it seems they often figure it out and step up.

Most kids want to drop everything as soon as there are expectations and some work is required. My own kids wanted to play an instrument, they chose their own instruments, chose their sports. They asked for all kinds of extracurriculars and were provided with excellent and supportive teachers. Nobody is berating them for failing to hit a ball or shading an object incorrectly. They are talented, they learn fast, they are winning prizes, having exhibitions, collecting followers, people admire their skills. And guess what - they still want to drop out, and are asking for yet another set of more exciting extracurriculars. Which they are then going to ask to abandon after 2 weeks because it's not fun anymore. Not gonna happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re blessed with an intrinsically motivated kid, good for you.

Most kids are not this way s it may take years of parenting to find what they’re willing to spend time and effort doing. They may never do that. Thus yes, parents should set up incentives to do the work, get good grades.

Third level is kids incapable and need scaffolding for basic stuff, which hopefully get taken away over time. Being mentally healthy, functional and graduating high school are big wins. Very humbling to raise a special needs child, even if mild.

Sure, the problem is how much variation on that there is in this thread. Lost screen privileges for a month for a B? Required instruments? Required sports? Seems over the top and will not result in intrinsic motivation

+1

If your teen won’t ever get off the couch and you’re hearing from their teachers that they’re a problem, then yes. Your kid isn’t functioning properly, and you need to intervene. Setting basic academic expectations and standards and incentives is one of many ways to do that.

But if this is about your kid getting B’s, wanting to drop their instrument or obligatory sport that they don’t enjoy, then maybe you need to go with the flow and get curious about what might interest them instead.

This may take time. They may spend more time “doing nothing” on their phone for awhile. Keep asking and listening. When teens feel empowered to choose (and believe their choices will be accepted), it seems they often figure it out and step up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might want to read The Coddling of the American Mind. https://www.thecoddling.com/ Not saying you are doing all of it. But you might be doing some of it. Pushing like this does not build grit and resilience. Now, if your kid were pushing themselves to try their best, and pushing themselves to be outside their comfort zone, then they would be building grit and resilience. If you are the motivation, you are the failure.

Can’t one motivate a student to do a challenge, they fail and then they try again? But is that wrong since a teacher or coach or parent pushed said kid to try in the first place?

I have one kid that says No to everything. Every potential friend gathering, sport, art class, trip, etc. She’d literally do nothing.

There is a reason for that. Do you know why? I would start there. That may include pushing. But it really helps to know the why of social refusals to know how to best push/support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re blessed with an intrinsically motivated kid, good for you.

Most kids are not this way s it may take years of parenting to find what they’re willing to spend time and effort doing. They may never do that. Thus yes, parents should set up incentives to do the work, get good grades.

Third level is kids incapable and need scaffolding for basic stuff, which hopefully get taken away over time. Being mentally healthy, functional and graduating high school are big wins. Very humbling to raise a special needs child, even if mild.

Sure, the problem is how much variation on that there is in this thread. Lost screen privileges for a month for a B? Required instruments? Required sports? Seems over the top and will not result in intrinsic motivation

+1

If your teen won’t ever get off the couch and you’re hearing from their teachers that they’re a problem, then yes. Your kid isn’t functioning properly, and you need to intervene. Setting basic academic expectations and standards and incentives is one of many ways to do that.

But if this is about your kid getting B’s, wanting to drop their instrument or obligatory sport that they don’t enjoy, then maybe you need to go with the flow and get curious about what might interest them instead.

This may take time. They may spend more time “doing nothing” on their phone for awhile. Keep asking and listening. When teens feel empowered to choose (and believe their choices will be accepted), it seems they often figure it out and step up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might want to read The Coddling of the American Mind. https://www.thecoddling.com/ Not saying you are doing all of it. But you might be doing some of it. Pushing like this does not build grit and resilience. Now, if your kid were pushing themselves to try their best, and pushing themselves to be outside their comfort zone, then they would be building grit and resilience. If you are the motivation, you are the failure.

Can’t one motivate a student to do a challenge, they fail and then they try again? But is that wrong since a teacher or coach or parent pushed said kid to try in the first place?

I have one kid that says No to everything. Every potential friend gathering, sport, art class, trip, etc. She’d literally do nothing.

There is a reason for that. Do you know why? I would start there. That may include pushing. But it really helps to know the why of social refusals to know how to best push/support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might want to read The Coddling of the American Mind. https://www.thecoddling.com/ Not saying you are doing all of it. But you might be doing some of it. Pushing like this does not build grit and resilience. Now, if your kid were pushing themselves to try their best, and pushing themselves to be outside their comfort zone, then they would be building grit and resilience. If you are the motivation, you are the failure.

Can’t one motivate a student to do a challenge, they fail and then they try again? But is that wrong since a teacher or coach or parent pushed said kid to try in the first place?

I have one kid that says No to everything. Every potential friend gathering, sport, art class, trip, etc. She’d literally do nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues.

wut? parents play literally no role in mental health issues, except for passing their genetic propensities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re blessed with an intrinsically motivated kid, good for you.

Most kids are not this way s it may take years of parenting to find what they’re willing to spend time and effort doing. They may never do that. Thus yes, parents should set up incentives to do the work, get good grades.

Third level is kids incapable and need scaffolding for basic stuff, which hopefully get taken away over time. Being mentally healthy, functional and graduating high school are big wins. Very humbling to raise a special needs child, even if mild.

Sure, the problem is how much variation on that there is in this thread. Lost screen privileges for a month for a B? Required instruments? Required sports? Seems over the top and will not result in intrinsic motivation

Anonymous wrote:If you’re blessed with an intrinsically motivated kid, good for you.

Most kids are not this way s it may take years of parenting to find what they’re willing to spend time and effort doing. They may never do that. Thus yes, parents should set up incentives to do the work, get good grades.

Third level is kids incapable and need scaffolding for basic stuff, which hopefully get taken away over time. Being mentally healthy, functional and graduating high school are big wins. Very humbling to raise a special needs child, even if mild.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might want to read The Coddling of the American Mind. https://www.thecoddling.com/ Not saying you are doing all of it. But you might be doing some of it. Pushing like this does not build grit and resilience. Now, if your kid were pushing themselves to try their best, and pushing themselves to be outside their comfort zone, then they would be building grit and resilience. If you are the motivation, you are the failure.