^ that is such an apt description. Wow.

^+100

These Ashley Madison married affair people are so messed up in the head. This isn’t a noble act they are performing in which they are heroes and heroines preventing their kids from divorce. It’s all pure selfishness.

They can’t see how the lies, betrayal and risk their putting their families in when they caught. And, they will get caught. They all do eventually.

None of them are decent people that tried everything. They are selfish narcissists that only think of themselves and are looking for a quick fix and a lay.

Think of the spouse when they catch you. Would you trust someone who has been caught spitting in your food to cook for you? Would you trust someone who has a history of child abuse to watch your young child? Would you go back to a restaurant that gave you food poisoning? When someone cheats on you they :

A) Considered you would likely not be smart enough to catch them.

B) They knew there was a risk you would catch them, but your feelings meant nothing to them. Your mental well being had no value to them.

C) They didn't mind giving you an STD. Condoms don't help against herpes on the scrotum or vulva, and they are often used improperly and most of them aren’t even using a condom.

E)They didnt mind embarassing you in front of family and friends if it gets out

F) Lying gets easier with time, they lied once and will again. How many lies do you think they told you over the years for all of these hook ups? Countless

Throughout all of this, you weren’t in their mind. Not even for a second. In those moments you didn’t exist as far as they’re concerned.

Afterwards, perhaps they realize they have a missed call or text from you but they still chose to ignore it, maybe they turned their phone off to prevent you from disturbing them

All the while they’re coming home to you and spinning you a tale of how they had to work late and reassure you that it won’t happen again because they “love” you.

Next, consider everything as a whole. The time, the effort, the spectacular lengths they went to so that they could keep you in the dark. They chose to do this. Again and again throughout the affair.

No one seems able to provide a definitive answer to this question, but I would bet that it’s simple, the cheater wants something you can provide for them, they want your house together and they want someone dependable who they can rely on, but they don’t respect you.

Growing up, my mother always told me that love is never enough in a relationship and I never fully understood what she meant, but now that I’m older I can grasp precisely what she meant.

Actions reflect the truth, words can be twisted to alter our reality. Respect is everything in all relationships, and if your partner has cheated on you then they obviously do not respect you at all because if they did, they wouldn’t ever have cheated in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

And this explains why many people cheat. There is not much to lose if unhappy anyway. Divorce is not a solution that is easy. If divorce could happen anyway, cheating can avoid it in some cases.

\

High risk though. An amicable divorce with no cheating is less traumatic than even an intact marriage where the kids find out you are disprespecting your spouse and cheating. Much more contentious relationship played out on the day to day and kids aren't kids forever. They find out and you are forever tarnished in their eyes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

And this explains why many people cheat. There is not much to lose if unhappy anyway. Divorce is not a solution that is easy. If divorce could happen anyway, cheating can avoid it in some cases.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

Because divorce doesn't traumatize the kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Perhaps marriage just doesn't work for a lot of people and that's the rabid magenta-colored elephant thrashing around the room that no one wants to acknowledge. I mean, we put ourselves through this huge social-emotional undertaking, never mind that families shell out tens of thousands of dollars to support said undertaking, that for many, if not the majority of couples, ends painfully or morphs into a passionless, lukewarm existence that may or may not be temporarily corrected, or resurrected, with marriage counseling CPR. I once heard about a couple that after 30 or 40 years stayed married but came to some unusual agreement where the wife wanted to be a homebody and the husband ventured out to enjoy the outdoors. They had nothing in common except a checkbook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Curious why you don't want a divorce.

I like seeing my kids everyday. I don't want to have to sell their home. I get along well with spouse. I mean, c'mon, you can't think of a reason why divorce is an issue? Everything works [FOR YOU] except the sex.

.

Tell her the truth just to make sure that everything still works for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Right. So why worry about anyone else as long as you are taken care of. Got it. Just so that I'm clear, why don't you want a divorce? Couldn't you just end up with someone younger who will give you phenomenal sex and you may not need to take care of kids a lot. It's a perfect life for self consideration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Curious why you don't want a divorce.

I like seeing my kids everyday. I don't want to have to sell their home. I get along well with spouse. I mean, c'mon, you can't think of a reason why divorce is an issue? Everything works except the sex.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done TO ME trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Fixed that for you, though you are probably too narcissistic and selfish to care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Curious why you don't want a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

The rationale is: If I divorce first, I am divorced which I don't want. if I cheat, maybe I get away with it, and maybe my sex life at home improves. If I get caught, I may get divorced which is where I will end up anyway. So no harm done trying the cheating route first, especially in a no fault state.

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

This is ridiculously naive. Of course it's better to divorce without cheating and traumatizing your spouse and kids, not to mention potentially another family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think plenty of people marry the wrong people or marry for the wrong reasons and it catches up with them. And then they're 50. And they have a slew of short-term affairs to feel better about themselves or they actually meet someone they have a long-term affair with who they may even love. And if they want to really be with that person they have to get out of their marriage which is a nasty solution for most.

+1... This....

Yes but what’s worse? Is it to to have an affair and then divorce or just divorce before you have an affair? I’m not even talking about making an effort to communicate and work with therapists to make it work because most don’t seem to be interested in that genuinely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids thanking a whore that stole time from them to cheat on their mother and f@ck their dad?

Yeah. Every kid I know that finds that out just loves the whore, even more than their own mother. In fact, das gets a pass too.

Some of you are seriously f@cked in the bean.

Whoa! You may want to explore the source of your rage.

I'm thinking it's the Whore and Whore-monger but I could be wrong lol. What do you expect when a family is treated this way. Of course the kids are angry.

My sils kids didn't talk to their dad for many years Two never did nor invited him to their wedding. The horrible AP thankfully died 5 years later which cheater didn't foresee. Threw away his entire family and finances over garbage.

You are tied to this person with a bond of anger and hate that will never be broken unless you forgive. You win by not being moved in any way by this person’s past, present, or future. Cut loose and move on. Your writing shows how emotional and hurt you are about it. Forgive for you, not for them. NP

You're talking about the pp. Yes they need to move on and create a better life. She doesn't need to forgive. My sil did that and she is doing great today. Her ex isn't.