Anonymous
11/19/2019 19:08
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.
Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.
Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.
The core issue in all your marriages is your inability to communicate with your husbands and plan a fair division of responsibilities.
Are you really so helpless that your DH can just do whatever he wants and you accept it? Pathetic! Do better!
You can plan all you want, but you can’t force an adult to do things they don’t want to do. What would it take to get you to go over all the mouldings in your home with a toothbrush daily? I bet you’d do it if I put a pistol to your head, but other than that...
You are an adult. So is the other person. You are married. Presumably you love each other. If you can't communicate your requirements to them and get them to cooperate, then you suck at adulting and you suck at communicating.
And if the other person says, sure I’ll do those things, and then blows them all off, what then?
Or if the other person tunes you out, or says “hell no” or gaslights you that gutters don’t really need to be cleaned and why bother to shovel the sidewalk when it’s going to be sunny tomorrow, what then? Am I still helpless and do I still suck at adulting? Or am I the adult married to a man-child?
Anonymous
11/19/2019 08:02
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Just say yes and the core issue in your marriage has been solved.
Small pp, loose vjj or gay?
Anonymous
11/19/2019 07:51
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Were you aware....
that each kid needs a doctors form each summer to start school? Untrue. Maybe your school. But usually it is just when they change schools ... start of elementary, start of middle, start of high
2 dental cleanings a year each person. Two is good. But 1 is OK. These get scheduled AT THE DENTISTS when you leave. Mine sends and email and it can go right on the calendar
oil change once a year you don't drive much?
launder bed sheets every 2 weeks ewww. At least once a week
mow law every week in spring and summer well, sometimes more in spring, and less in august as we get droughts
clean kitchen and play room daily you have a playroom? nice. our toys are everywhere.
meal plan, shop weekly it's a best practice to meal plan, but many many people do not do it
sign up kids for sports or camps every 2-3 month periodWhat? you have to sign your kids up for camps every 2-3 months?
winterize house - hoses, gutter, screens I'm curious, how do you winterize screens?
decorate house if you want - holidays meh
send cards to extended family - holidays, days sometimes
have a closet full of kids' bday presents ready - refill 3x a year Hell no
monitor kids and decide to take to doctor if sick - on call Have them wash their hands more
investments - on dips, for tax reasons, rebalancing - on call I'm sure I should be doing this
file paper documents/important mail/receipts - monthly file?
book vacation plans 3-12 mos ahead of time - on going I don't do this on an ongoing basis, only when I want a vacation
buy clothes on sale for growing kids - sale times, quarterly hand me downs. Saves having to think about what to buy
check over graded sheets from kids, are they learning - weekly nope. Kids own their grades.
cull old clothes, toys, equipment - 2x a year Now THIS I think is ongoing
deep cleaning house - 2x a month (outsourced) We can't all afford to outsource this. What is your definition of deep cleaning, since the only other cleaning you include here is vacuuming with the cordless?
vacuum w cordless - 2x a week You vacuum more than you change your sheets. Maybe I should vacuum more.
then the daily stuff: breakfast, lunch boxes, weather appropriate clothes and coats, dinner, cleaning, homework, school admin, discussions, clean kitchen, process mail, respond to family emails, schedule things
.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 07:01
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Were you aware....
that each kid needs a doctors form each summer to start school?
2 dental cleanings a year each person.
oil change once a year
launder bed sheets every 2 weeks
mow law every week in spring and summer
clean kitchen and play room daily
meal plan, shop weekly
sign up kids for sports or camps every 2-3 month period
winterize house - hoses, gutter, screens
decorate house if you want - holidays
send cards to extended family - holidays, days
have a closet full of kids' bday presents ready - refill 3x a year
monitor kids and decide to take to doctor if sick - on call
investments - on dips, for tax reasons, rebalancing - on call
file paper documents/important mail/receipts - monthly
book vacation plans 3-12 mos ahead of time - on going
buy clothes on sale for growing kids - sale times, quarterly
check over graded sheets from kids, are they learning - weekly
cull old clothes, toys, equipment - 2x a year
deep cleaning house - 2x a month (outsourced)
vacuum w cordless - 2x a week
then the daily stuff: breakfast, lunch boxes, weather appropriate clothes and coats, dinner, cleaning, homework, school admin, discussions, clean kitchen, process mail, respond to family emails, schedule things
.
.
.
We both work FT and travel, but got it down. or at least I do....
Sheet laundering and oil changes need to be done more frequently..
Anonymous
11/19/2019 06:56
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,
The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!
You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.
Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.
My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.
Are you a procrastinator? Much of what you listed could be handled in about as much time as it took to put the reminder in your phone.
Anonymous
11/19/2019 06:31
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:IAnonymous wrote:That my husband is mentally ill and denies it.
Same here but it was XW who was mentally ill.
I learned that you can't fix it and it doesn't go away.
My husband gloats over his bipolar disorder but refuses any help. He likes/ loves the highs, and has no idea what hell he out us through. Actually he does, but it matters more to him than we do. We haven't had any regular sex in 6 yrs, and no sex at all in two. He wont get help for that either.
You really should move on.
Anonymous
11/18/2019 11:49
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:At age 53 she is done with sex. I am not.
“Done” in what way? Entirely?
Anonymous
11/18/2019 11:34
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Introvert/Extrovert
DH wants to be a homebody and be quiet together. I am non stop chit chat and busy! Hanging out quietly together is not my idea of a good time (unless we are having sex while the kids are napping and trying to keep it down).
Ours is also this, but in a different way. I value my 'village' and find joy in being part of a large social circle. DH is friendly enough, but would be content spending all of his time with me and our kids. I appreciate it sometimes (I like quiet nights at home as well) but we have been dropped from friend groups etc because hosting things stresses him out so much, he never wants to go out with the guys (this would be like, once every month or two to watch a game, not to a strip club nightly), he doesn't understand my allegiance to my friends and my sadness when these issues arise, etc.
You’ve been dropped from multiple friend groups because of this?
Anonymous
11/18/2019 11:12
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Combination of his family being intrusive and the fact that he makes all the money and devalues my contributions (I work just as much, plus childcare, but make less).
Anonymous
11/18/2019 11:10
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Get a strapon and tell him, You first!
A lot of men would be game for that, under the right circumstance.
Where do I sign up....!!!?
Anonymous
11/18/2019 10:12
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.
Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.
Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.
The core issue in all your marriages is your inability to communicate with your husbands and plan a fair division of responsibilities.
Are you really so helpless that your DH can just do whatever he wants and you accept it? Pathetic! Do better!
You can plan all you want, but you can’t force an adult to do things they don’t want to do. What would it take to get you to go over all the mouldings in your home with a toothbrush daily? I bet you’d do it if I put a pistol to your head, but other than that...
You are an adult. So is the other person. You are married. Presumably you love each other. If you can't communicate your requirements to them and get them to cooperate, then you suck at adulting and you suck at communicating.
You can't get anyone do anything they don't want to do, unless they decide to do it. Take that crown off.
Anonymous
11/18/2019 09:23
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Get a strapon and tell him, You first!
You say this as if it's a threat.
Anonymous
11/18/2019 07:18
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Get a strapon and tell him, You first!
A lot of men would be game for that, under the right circumstance.
Anonymous
11/18/2019 07:00
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Get a strapon and tell him, You first!
Anonymous
11/17/2019 17:27
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:He always wants to stick in in my backdoor rather than PIV
Just say yes and the core issue in your marriage has been solved.