Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about dating? I would be worried about my kids

What is the problem if we think about us sometimes? Why we have to be in the end of the priorities’ line after we have a family? How are YOU? Who are YOU?

I want to take care of me again. I deserve some attention too. Before I am a mom or a wife, I am me - and I don’t want to forget that.

If you have kids you should think about them FIRST because they are vulnerable and inexperienced and divorce is a MUCH bigger deal for them than for you.

Stop being selfish garbage.

NP. You really sound like you’re projecting your frustration. Every divorce does not rock a child to its core and make them irreparably dysfunctional in life. Plenty of children are wrecked in “happy” homes. And plenty of children do well with lots of transition, even if it’s tough, if you guilt trip a single mom, so you guilt trip a military parent that isn’t away on rotation or at post, serving your country? Because there are many examples of coparenting that is fine healthily, without drama. With two loving parents, or sometimes just one. Maybe even by choice.

So if you aren’t going to judge any other paren that doesn’t fit the husband wife child dog house mold in your mind, it’s hypocritical to slam on divorced women. Are rich, lesbian,, single moms by choice, military moms, teenage moms, mature mothers, or any other type of mother any different when it is all said and done? No. We work with what we have. Stop calling people trash. It isn’t very nice.

aw man, Im late to this party!
Well, dating is AMAZING after being in an unhappy marriage. I would just go out and have a good time.

The worst thing you can do in a divorce is focus only on your children and what you have done to them. Children are resilient and help them focus on TWO birthday parties and happier parents.
GOOD LUCK!

NP here. It isn't just with kids that it's a problem. The reality is that even if you spend a few years dating or even living with your potential spouse, you still can't predict how he will handle life's ups and downs. Also, everything changes when the spouse KNOWS he has you. The dynamic shifts. A guy can be loving in kind for years if you don't have major life events or stress (health issues, job issues) come up. So the guy you think is fantastic and has been for 7 or 8 years can suddenly change when you hit a challenge. That's when the real personality comes out. That's also when latent characteristics or approaches they learned from their parents come out. A husband who is great and seems completely different from his dysfunctional parents can suddenly exhibit their dysfunctional behaviors when he hits middle age and/or life challenges.

The biggest indicator of how a man will deal with conflict in a relationship is a combination of how his parents deal with conflict and how he deals with his mother. I regret not paying more attention to that.

I hope you realize that most of what you say is true if you reverse the genders.

"everything changes when the spouse KNOWS he has you." -- Everything changes when the wife knows she has you. This is the reason a lot of women quit providing good sex, then frequent sex, then any sex at all.

"So the guy you think is fantastic and has been for 7 or 8 years can suddenly change when you hit a challenge." -- Get fired or get a chronic illness, don't count on your wife standing by you.

"A husband who is great and seems completely different from his dysfunctional parents can suddenly exhibit their dysfunctional behaviors when he hits middle age and/or life challenges." -- Ditto for women when they hit middle age. Ask me how I know!

"The biggest indicator of how a man will deal with conflict in a relationship is a combination of how his parents deal with conflict and how he deals with his mother." -- Before you get married, find out what kind of relationship she has with her dad. If she hates him, that's a red flag. Again, ask me how I know!

I also disagree that premarital counseling really achieves anything.

It's easy for people to say they will deal with things a certain way and make promises and reach an understanding and have expectations. But all of that goes out the window when people hit really life challenges.

That's when they default to what they learned as a kid, to how they learned to deal with conflict, disappointment, and stress as a child. And that is going to be primarily how one or both of their parents handled those things.

One exception is if the person has gone through years of individual counseling specifically with the awareness that his childhood exposed him to dysfunctional patterns of behavior and negative ways of dealing with conflict and he WANTS to proactively alter those habits in himself. But that's individual counseling.

Agree. The learned passive aggressiveness, poor or good communication, mom who does everything for husband and sons, all of it you need to pay attention to beforehand and discuss.

Plus inherited mental disorders like adhd

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

I seriously don’t understand how people can miss this. Do your due diligence.

NP. I don’t get it either. It’s like, you couldn’t see how he managed household tasks, external stressors, studying, money/budgeting, his schedule and whatever else? I think the real answer is that it just wasn’t a problem before adding kids and real responsibility.

+1
Running an actual household (property, cars, 2+ children, activities/schedules, jobs, leisure and work travel) and raising children (caring for, instilling values, teaching life skills, practicing academic skills, socializing, keeping healthy, etc.) is when you learn what someone’s made of. you and your spouse will either rise to the occasion or retreat into a selfish or clueless juvenile stage. You and your spouse will either be a good team and conquer anything or work against each other (this includes deadweights).

If they can’t handle it or won’t handle it, they’ll recede back into bachelor life of work, eat, sleep and hope their wife puts up with it. Maybe sprinkle in some goof around time with the kids after they eat their dinner. But they put themselves first - their eating, their sleep, their image, their career. They simply aren’t marriage or real father material. Leaves the wife with a few bad options of how to proceed.

+1

Premarital counseling really needs to include expectations around roles and responsibilities of adult life! Couples could then decide if they are actually compatible or have a realistic understanding of anything.

Spending a weeklong trip with the future in laws also may help understand expectations and dynamic your fiancé may be accustomed to.
Living together too, though life is so simple and problem free in ones 20s and early 30s.

NP here. It isn't just with kids that it's a problem. The reality is that even if you spend a few years dating or even living with your potential spouse, you still can't predict how he will handle life's ups and downs. Also, everything changes when the spouse KNOWS he has you. The dynamic shifts. A guy can be loving in kind for years if you don't have major life events or stress (health issues, job issues) come up. So the guy you think is fantastic and has been for 7 or 8 years can suddenly change when you hit a challenge. That's when the real personality comes out. That's also when latent characteristics or approaches they learned from their parents come out. A husband who is great and seems completely different from his dysfunctional parents can suddenly exhibit their dysfunctional behaviors when he hits middle age and/or life challenges.

The biggest indicator of how a man will deal with conflict in a relationship is a combination of how his parents deal with conflict and how he deals with his mother. I regret not paying more attention to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

I seriously don’t understand how people can miss this. Do your due diligence.

NP. I don’t get it either. It’s like, you couldn’t see how he managed household tasks, external stressors, studying, money/budgeting, his schedule and whatever else? I think the real answer is that it just wasn’t a problem before adding kids and real responsibility.

+1
Running an actual household (property, cars, 2+ children, activities/schedules, jobs, leisure and work travel) and raising children (caring for, instilling values, teaching life skills, practicing academic skills, socializing, keeping healthy, etc.) is when you learn what someone’s made of. you and your spouse will either rise to the occasion or retreat into a selfish or clueless juvenile stage. You and your spouse will either be a good team and conquer anything or work against each other (this includes deadweights).

If they can’t handle it or won’t handle it, they’ll recede back into bachelor life of work, eat, sleep and hope their wife puts up with it. Maybe sprinkle in some goof around time with the kids after they eat their dinner. But they put themselves first - their eating, their sleep, their image, their career. They simply aren’t marriage or real father material. Leaves the wife with a few bad options of how to proceed.

+1

Premarital counseling really needs to include expectations around roles and responsibilities of adult life! Couples could then decide if they are actually compatible or have a realistic understanding of anything.

Spending a weeklong trip with the future in laws also may help understand expectations and dynamic your fiancé may be accustomed to.
Living together too, though life is so simple and problem free in ones 20s and early 30s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about dating? I would be worried about my kids

What is the problem if we think about us sometimes? Why we have to be in the end of the priorities’ line after we have a family? How are YOU? Who are YOU?

I want to take care of me again. I deserve some attention too. Before I am a mom or a wife, I am me - and I don’t want to forget that.

+1

It’s always good to show some self love to your children!

Your children don’t think about your happiness at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about dating? I would be worried about my kids

What is the problem if we think about us sometimes? Why we have to be in the end of the priorities’ line after we have a family? How are YOU? Who are YOU?

I want to take care of me again. I deserve some attention too. Before I am a mom or a wife, I am me - and I don’t want to forget that.

If you have kids you should think about them FIRST because they are vulnerable and inexperienced and divorce is a MUCH bigger deal for them than for you.

Stop being selfish garbage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about dating? I would be worried about my kids

What is the problem if we think about us sometimes? Why we have to be in the end of the priorities’ line after we have a family? How are YOU? Who are YOU?

I want to take care of me again. I deserve some attention too. Before I am a mom or a wife, I am me - and I don’t want to forget that.

+1

It’s always good to show some self love to your children!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My most profound personal failure was marrying my first husband....no doubt about that. My mom even grabbed my face 10 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle and begged me not to marry him. I was too ashamed to admit I had made a mistake and went on with the wedding. I tried to make it work, but it was doomed. Best decision of my life was getting divorced.

+1. Me too. About to finally divorce. It was never right. I hate how most advice and judgment comes with the assumption that the relationship was once great, both were in love, and it deteriorated. In some cases, like mine, it was simply a mistake to begin with and in those cases, none of the typical advice applies and it is really best to divorce.

+2. Young people often make poor decisions, and I don’t think anyone should have a miserable life or be seen as a failure because of a dumb mistake. Everyone should be allowed three really stupid mistakes in their life.

Except that in this case there are usually some innocent bystanders caught up in your decision which has profound implications for THEIR lives.

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about dating? I would be worried about my kids

What is the problem if we think about us sometimes? Why we have to be in the end of the priorities’ line after we have a family? How are YOU? Who are YOU?

I want to take care of me again. I deserve some attention too. Before I am a mom or a wife, I am me - and I don’t want to forget that.

Anonymous wrote:I am 9 months in. Expect:

Pros:

Relief, periods of freedom if you actually trade off kids, excitement of new lovers and new space (dating isn’t that rough, especially for someone your age).

Cons:

You will continue fighting with your ex. Your children will be unbelievably screwed up and permanently damaged (although remaining in a bad marriage will damage them too), much tighter finances, some frustrations on dating scene, trouble focusing at work, and logistical issues with kids and pets. Also, lawyers.

+1