There is no way they spend any time talking about you, OP. Seriously, let this go. You’ve created a what, 14 page thread about her at this point and are still sitting around on a Saturday night convincing yourself online how much she doesn’t bother you and you’re above this. There’s a scene in Mad Men where the little new hire gets on the elevator with Don and he’s mad Don presented the new guy’s idea as his own. He has a little tantrum and then goes “I feel sorry for you,” really thinking this is gonna hurt Don. Don owns the agency and has all the control. He responds “I don’t think about you at all.”

Consider which of these you really are.

OP here. This is actually my biggest fear. That the OW is exactly like Don Draper, and my kids are going to be spending time with that kind of sociopath. They are going to have an adult figure in their lives who does horrible, selfish things to hurt others and shows no remorse or self awareness.

I don’t think she thinks much about me. I don’t think she thinks much about her ex. I don’t think she thinks at all about the damage this has caused the 5 kids. That’s why I don’t want to have to interact with her and struggle to prepare for when that day arrives.

Best revenge would be, have an affair with your ex lol. Make sure she knows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and on the dealing with her... I dont know how to navigate this. Until she becomes a step parent, she wont exist to me, meaning I will have no reason or need to interact with her. When I see her, I guess my plan is to be business-like and cordial. In some ways, that's the best revenge because hopefully it will make her feel guilty or at least doubt whatever ridiculousness my ex probably told her about how awful I am.

There is no way they spend any time talking about you, OP. Seriously, let this go. You’ve created a what, 14 page thread about her at this point and are still sitting around on a Saturday night convincing yourself online how much she doesn’t bother you and you’re above this. There’s a scene in Mad Men where the little new hire gets on the elevator with Don and he’s mad Don presented the new guy’s idea as his own. He has a little tantrum and then goes “I feel sorry for you,” really thinking this is gonna hurt Don. Don owns the agency and has all the control. He responds “I don’t think about you at all.”

Consider which of these you really are.

No, we've asked OP to elaborate on the situation. She's commented the least so far, but nicely answered the questions.

They do and have talked about her and the kids, it's going to be a BIG factor in their relationship. With 5 kids total I predict a big mess for AP and ex. If OP is the one with the phone app, and they are doing joint birthday parties etc. AP might as well hang it up now, LOL!

In our situation we had very little to do the the ex gf. We had our own celebrations, ex had hers which worked best for all. Each to their own, but OP is doing a great job imo.

Anonymous wrote:Oh and on the dealing with her... I dont know how to navigate this. Until she becomes a step parent, she wont exist to me, meaning I will have no reason or need to interact with her. When I see her, I guess my plan is to be business-like and cordial. In some ways, that's the best revenge because hopefully it will make her feel guilty or at least doubt whatever ridiculousness my ex probably told her about how awful I am.

That's exactly what you should do. If the kids don't know now they will in the near future exactly what these two crumbs did. That alone will create a lot of problems, why I think they'll split up. I do think the best revenge is moving forward, and being happy. Being honest with the kids is also important. It's ok to tell them dad dated while married, which is very wrong. As another poster pointed out it's important the kids understand that's not what you do in a marriage. It shouldn't be ignored or condoned. Otherwise, I would pretend AP doesn't exist, and only be cordial to your ex minimizing any conversation or test.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My kids were 6 and 8 when he moved out. Yes, she was also married and has kids. She has 3, the oldest was 5 at the time.

I genuinely appreciate all the helpful comments. Of course there are times I daydream about going psycho and slashing her tires and hanging billboards in her yard announcing the presence of a home wrecking whore. But... I have self control, dignity, and am much happier focusing on things I enjoy about my new life.

OP, you rock. Have all those phantasies, be it on a Saturday night. You don't act upon them, so you're good.

I know I'm the odd one out but in my case ex told kid, daddy lied to mommy. Child therapist said, now kid needs to know the lie. Now knows, name and all. So problem solved. Ex got back together with his apprentice after 2 months. He can't and won't introduce her. Shovelled his own grave on that one. I don't mention AP anywhere outside close friends and family. When kid wants to speak about it I refer to father. Use therapist's wording, it's an unpleasant topic for mom.

You going mainly no contact and them moving into your neighborhood says it all. Don't worry. Now all you need to do is flourish right there. Get a new boyfriend or date. I got one after a month, half my age and younger than AP. You use those weekends where he has the kids to do you. The AP doesn't matter. She should be busy getting her own kids back into shape. What a family life to live?!

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she doesn't care? How are you so confident that the OW has no guilt or shame?

NP here, and if she's human she feels bad about the situation since there are kids involved but I highly doubt she feels bad for OP since she and OPs ex are convinced OP wasn't giving her ex what he needed to be happy or they would still be together.

Agree with most posters that the best way forward is with class and to live your best life. Don't give them the mental space rent free in your head. Her ex and AP really don't think about her, they are in the newlywed phase caught up with each other anyway

How do you know she doesn't care? How are you so confident that the OW has no guilt or shame?

Anonymous wrote:Oh and on the dealing with her... I dont know how to navigate this. Until she becomes a step parent, she wont exist to me, meaning I will have no reason or need to interact with her. When I see her, I guess my plan is to be business-like and cordial. In some ways, that's the best revenge because hopefully it will make her feel guilty or at least doubt whatever ridiculousness my ex probably told her about how awful I am.

News flash: she doesn’t care about you and nothing you do will make her feel guilty. She literally doesn’t care. Sorry to break it to you. Accept that she is now a part of your children’s and ex’s lives and move on with your own life.

I dont think you should aspire to be the kind of person who does shitty things to others and have no remorse or conscience after the fact. It's normal and healthy to be hurt and angry over things like this. It's what you do with the anger that matters. This topic seemed to hit a real nerve with you to inspire you to lash out before 5 am on a Sunday morning. If you view Don Draper as some sort of lifestyle role model, you missed the entire point of that show.

Anonymous wrote:Oh and on the dealing with her... I dont know how to navigate this. Until she becomes a step parent, she wont exist to me, meaning I will have no reason or need to interact with her. When I see her, I guess my plan is to be business-like and cordial. In some ways, that's the best revenge because hopefully it will make her feel guilty or at least doubt whatever ridiculousness my ex probably told her about how awful I am.

There is no way they spend any time talking about you, OP. Seriously, let this go. You’ve created a what, 14 page thread about her at this point and are still sitting around on a Saturday night convincing yourself online how much she doesn’t bother you and you’re above this. There’s a scene in Mad Men where the little new hire gets on the elevator with Don and he’s mad Don presented the new guy’s idea as his own. He has a little tantrum and then goes “I feel sorry for you,” really thinking this is gonna hurt Don. Don owns the agency and has all the control. He responds “I don’t think about you at all.”

Consider which of these you really are.

Oh and on the dealing with her... I dont know how to navigate this. Until she becomes a step parent, she wont exist to me, meaning I will have no reason or need to interact with her. When I see her, I guess my plan is to be business-like and cordial. In some ways, that's the best revenge because hopefully it will make her feel guilty or at least doubt whatever ridiculousness my ex probably told her about how awful I am.

My ex just rented a new place and its pretty small (3 bedroom townhouse) so I don't think that's the plan in the near future, but who knows.
Right now I only deal with my ex, and only about logistics related to the kids via an app. We attend the kids' school events together, do joint birthday parties for them. I have it in the divorce decree that no romantic partners or spouses can attend those unless we both jointly agree. So far its worked, as it's important for the kids to see that we can do that and there is zero drama or stress.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My kids were 6 and 8 when he moved out. Yes, she was also married and has kids. She has 3, the oldest was 5 at the time.

I genuinely appreciate all the helpful comments. Of course there are times I daydream about going psycho and slashing her tires and hanging billboards in her yard announcing the presence of a home wrecking whore. But... I have self control, dignity, and am much happier focusing on things I enjoy about my new life.

Thank you. Now that she has moved to your neighborhood do you foresee them living together?

I would be alarmed for my kids with that menagerie. Do you have any concerns there?

Do you plan to talk to her, or will your dealings be solely with the dad?

All you can do is move on at this point. It amazes me anyone would throw all these kids under the bus. Unfortunately too many people shouldn't have kids, especially when they do this kind of thing.

OP here. My kids were 6 and 8 when he moved out. Yes, she was also married and has kids. She has 3, the oldest was 5 at the time.

I genuinely appreciate all the helpful comments. Of course there are times I daydream about going psycho and slashing her tires and hanging billboards in her yard announcing the presence of a home wrecking whore. But... I have self control, dignity, and am much happier focusing on things I enjoy about my new life.