OP - you really should have been more direct and honest about this earlier on, and gotten a vasectomy long ago. You should definitely get a vasectomy now.

Your wife is grieving the family she envisioned, and she is being selfish. I feel for her that you were not forthright, but perhaps in time her reaction will change. Infertility changed your timeline, the way and cost of getting pregnant, and it is understandable that with or without those complications people will change their minds. That said, she is incredibly selfish to want to break up your marriage so she can *may* have another kid. The person who gets the shortest end of the stick here is your, HER, child, who already exists, whom she would be ripping way from his nuclear family so chase a dream. That's not the way an adult should handle things, and perhaps she will see this, hopefully soon.

You two should go to therapy.

I feel very bad for your son.

OP is a troll. nobody is this stupid.

How has this thread gone on for 18 pages? There's literally nothing to debate here.

OP has no obligation to have another kid. He changed his mind. Anyone suggesting that OP owes his wife another child is nuts. The only obligation OP has is to the future child that he DOESN'T WANT - specifically, not to bring an unwanted child into the world. Yes, would have been better if he was more honest with his wife, but he wasn't, and now that's that. And now he has to accept the consequences of that, including any feelings of betrayal she may have.

Which bring's us to the wife - it doesn't matter if OP or you or I think she's nuts for leaving her husband over this. She is absolutely free to do so. Wife is no more obligated to stay married to OP that OP is to give her another child. Circumstances changed for both of them. They both get to make a decision. Neither one may be happy with their options, but such is life sometimes. Sometimes you have to choose between two imperfect options. Who cares if you would make a different decision that OP's wife? This is her decision. End of story.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs therapy to determine why this imaginary fetus is more important to her than the man she took vows to. If all she wanted was a baby why not just get a sperm donor? Stupid.

Stupid is right. You.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs therapy to determine why this imaginary fetus is more important to her than the man she took vows to. If all she wanted was a baby why not just get a sperm donor? Stupid.

How many kids do you have?

Op, it is not wrong of you to have changed her mind nor is it wrong of her not to have changed her mind. what you can't wrap your head around is why a theoretical second child is more important than your marriage because all you think about is you. And I think the answer for her is that she's taken a long, hard look at her marriage, and how you lied to her and betrayed her and even now cannot manage a scrap of empathy or understanding for her pov, and she's realized that the marriage is not really worth saving. You feel like she's forcing things with an ultimatum, but you, in your own way, tried to force things by pretending for 5 years you were on board with another kid--you told her to 'wait a few years' and then revisit etc, knowing that she wanted a second kid and you didn't but hoping the problem would go away. And now that it hasn't you are fixated on why she cannot be happy with what she has--well, she has a marriage to an emotionally dishonest man and only one kid, which is not what she wanted.

also, consider this--just as you can't go through having a second kid, she can't remain married to you knowing you deceived her for years and took away her chance for a second kid. both of those things poison a marriage. If you had only been honest about it at least you could have worked through it in counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

+1!!! Thank you! That it’s why the choice of abortion is for the woman to make! Not the same thing AT ALL

Disagree that this is a unilateral decision, and I am a woman. You want equal rights, include the person who equally contributed to the formation of the baby in the decision making. You make women look stupid when you talk out of both sides of your mouth.

No. The man does not get equal say in whether a woman should carry a baby in her velly for 9 months and possibly risk her life. Once the baby is born, then it’s 50/50. They are both responsible and have rights to him/her.
What you are implying is horrible! A man can never decide whether a woman will or won’t carry a baby to term. What you are saying it’s awful and I bet you support Trump

Liberalism is a disease, sweetie.

Your wife needs therapy to determine why this imaginary fetus is more important to her than the man she took vows to. If all she wanted was a baby why not just get a sperm donor? Stupid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

+1!!! Thank you! That it’s why the choice of abortion is for the woman to make! Not the same thing AT ALL

Disagree that this is a unilateral decision, and I am a woman. You want equal rights, include the person who equally contributed to the formation of the baby in the decision making. You make women look stupid when you talk out of both sides of your mouth.

No. The man does not get equal say in whether a woman should carry a baby in her velly for 9 months and possibly risk her life. Once the baby is born, then it’s 50/50. They are both responsible and have rights to him/her.
What you are implying is horrible! A man can never decide whether a woman will or won’t carry a baby to term. What you are saying it’s awful and I bet you support Trump

I can’t think reconcile how the man on this scenario loves his child but hated the process of raising it so much that he would rather be alone than do it again. He must have some serious ptsd from that first kid. Really, from those of us with more than one, it’s always easier the second time around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So she needs another child? OK. I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's difficult.

The biggest problem is that you approached this subject in a very messy way, constantly changing your mind instead of trying to find some compromise.
The compromise should have been stating that trying for a baby + early baby's years takes a lot from you, but you want her to be happy and have a happy family so you would devote a certain amount of time for this baby project. Instead trying until she's 42 or something like that. But, now I feel like it's too late for that proposal, because she's so disappointed in you and ready to leave, there's no negotiation.

She would be open to it. She asked me how am going to fix it and I told her that I'm sorry but if having another child is the way to fix it and keep our marriage, then I can't do it.

Then you have your answer:

Trying for another child is a dealbreaker for you.
Not trying is a dealbreaker for her.

If you can’t compromise your marriage is over. Accept it and move on.

Anonymous wrote:It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

It’s not the same because fertility, stereotypical division of labor, and health impacts are not the same. If a woman in her early 40’s said she changes her mind and is stopping at one, she is really the one giving up the dream of more kids with anyone. The guy can still get divorced and marry someone younger that wants more kids. How many 50 year olds with young kids do you know? I know a few. She is also the one risking possible complications including death, not the man if she goes forward. Also, the impact on career and child duties typically (though not always) fall disproportionately on women. Notice we don’t ask men how they balance work wth 3 or 4 kids though as the expectation for men to be equal partners becomes more common, this may change.

There were never any guarantees that the unborn entity would exist but often with decisions it’s about the process and the intent even if you don’t get what you hoped for. A good faith effort or talking out concerns and what changed as it happens (not trying to string someone along) and genuine regret and acknowledgement goes further than I changed my mind (with some bs reasons) and say if you love me you will be the one to sacrifice.

Anonymous wrote:

So she needs another child? OK. I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's difficult.

The biggest problem is that you approached this subject in a very messy way, constantly changing your mind instead of trying to find some compromise.
The compromise should have been stating that trying for a baby + early baby's years takes a lot from you, but you want her to be happy and have a happy family so you would devote a certain amount of time for this baby project. Instead trying until she's 42 or something like that. But, now I feel like it's too late for that proposal, because she's so disappointed in you and ready to leave, there's no negotiation.

She would be open to it. She asked me how am going to fix it and I told her that I'm sorry but if having another child is the way to fix it and keep our marriage, then I can't do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

+1!!! Thank you! That it’s why the choice of abortion is for the woman to make! Not the same thing AT ALL

Disagree that this is a unilateral decision, and I am a woman. You want equal rights, include the person who equally contributed to the formation of the baby in the decision making. You make women look stupid when you talk out of both sides of your mouth.

Anonymous wrote:

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

+1!!! Thank you! That it’s why the choice of abortion is for the woman to make! Not the same thing AT ALL