Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again: i'm also south asian and it is quite common to give money as a gift.

registering is sometimes seen as uncouth - b/c it is asking for specific things.

money, however, is considered an appropriate and acceptable gift to a couple to help them start a home.

it's not "tacky"

No one is suggesting that giving money as a gift is tacky.

What is tacky and rude is ASKING for money as a gift.

This is 100% true. Why is this hard for people to understand? Actually, asking for any gift is tacky. Registering is a necessary evil, but asking for a gift or implying that one should be coming your way is tacky. That's why you don't include information about a registry on the invitation.

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

This is worth repeating.


Let them continue to scream "TACKY". Does it really matter what they think?

OP are you still here? Have you received your answer?

Does anyone else think they need to scream tacky a few more times for OP to get her answer? 17 pages of grievances regarding South Asian wedding invitation isn't enough?

I agree with PP (did not want to "copy" long text) - except that over a certain age, the bride and groom usually pay for the wedding themselves.

Yeah I sort of disagree with people saying gifts are optional. Strictly speaking, I suppose they are in that nobody can force you to give a gift at a wedding. But majority of people do give gifts and I really don't think it is so wrong for the couple to provide some guidance as to what it may be (in the form of a registry, asking for cash, etc).

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually so paranoid about wedding gifts that I always send a gift whether or not we are able to attend the wedding. I often send more money if we can't attend bc we're not buying flights and hotels etc. This whole thing is just such a minefield.

get a grip. paranoid?

There is a big difference between weighing in on etiquette discussions on an anonymous message board and being snobby in real life. In real life there are about three friends that I would be honest about this stuff with because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's not like we etiquette sticklers are out there chastising people.

Anonymous wrote:I think in our case their non-gift giving has affected our relationship. Even my husband thought it strange. It's a whole host of things really, but the lack of wedding gift was one of the more egregious. It's a bit sad, I had hoped to have a very close relationship with them.

you can- you are choosing not to.

Anonymous wrote:No, society hasn't moved on. It's become more selfish and narcissistic, but it hasn't moved on. Do you know what etiquette is? Not something to trip up the slobs, jerks, and yokels, but a foundation of shard rules for a mutually pleasant society. Gifts at weddings: is every guest going to give a gift? Pretty much. Can you give guidance as to what the gift is? Kind of, not really. A registry that is not promoted on the invite, in the envelope, or on the wedding website is acceptable, but only barely. Can you outright say, "I want cash," or "no boxed gifts"? Nope. Melting pot or not, this is America and even if giving cash is the gift standard in your region of the U.S. or your culture outside of the U.S., asking for it ought to make people hang their heads in shame.

But if fewer people are hanging their heads in shame, then society is moving on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know who "nearly everybody" is since I have never once gotten a wedding invitation with the registry info on it. There are plenty of people who still follow traditional etiquette customs. I'm going to hang onto my good manners no matter what.

I haven't noticed a lot of people paying morning calls lately. Or expecting women to leave the room after dinner at dinner parties. Or wearing white gloves and hats when they go out in public.

Society's definition of "good manners" changes. Miss Manners says so explicitly.

+1

But looking down on others never goes out of style.

Anonymous wrote:Every single wedding invitation we have received in the US has mentioned multiple registries right on the paper invitation and also on the website. I have also received links to registries for baby showers. I don't see how any of this is more refined than saying "no boxed gifts".

on the actual invitation? yikes. how old are these people?

Anonymous wrote:I don't know who "nearly everybody" is since I have never once gotten a wedding invitation with the registry info on it. There are plenty of people who still follow traditional etiquette customs. I'm going to hang onto my good manners no matter what.

I haven't noticed a lot of people paying morning calls lately. Or expecting women to leave the room after dinner at dinner parties. Or wearing white gloves and hats when they go out in public.

Society's definition of "good manners" changes. Miss Manners says so explicitly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Snarkiness aside, would one generally not expect gifts from close family in the US? I'm genuinely curious.

No one should expect anything from anyone for any occasion. Period. It's rude and tacky. You accept what is given to you with a smile and a thank you.

EXACTLY. and whether someone comes to your wedding with a check for $5000 or a hug and congratulations, you smile, say thank you, and act with some grace.

Anonymous wrote:I am an Indian who lives in the US. No boxed gifts is standard invitation wording both in India and among Indians living overseas. Cash gifts are absolutely expected at all Indian weddings. People who didn't give gifts are considered extremely rude. I typically give $150-$200 at weddings, more if we know the couple well or are related to them. For example, we gave $500 to my first cousin who is like a brother to me. We also always give amonts ending in $1 so $151, $201, $501 etc.

For what it's worth, I'm married to a white American and the gifts from my husband's family/friends were cheap and pathetic. His parents, brother, and grandmother did not even bother to give us anything. Many others put $20 bills in cards. Shocking stuff.

For all the American obsession with gifting (mother's day, father's day, Christmas, birthdays, graduation, retirement, the list goes on), I'm fairly surprised expecting cash gifts at weddings is considered tacky.

you are tacky and nasty to say that. be grateful you got anything.

All of this is about CLASS and CULTURE.

For upper class/upper middle class weddings of two young adults in the United States:

Parents of the bride pay for the wedding and all related expenses (except those covered by the Groom's parents) including the bridesmaids' accommodations (or put them up at friends' various homes).

Groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, the groomsmen's accommodations, and the bride's bouquet.

Invitations are sent that include ONLY the invitation to the wedding and a blank reply card (or no reply card if very traditional).

Any other information such as reserved rooms, maps, registries, etc... should either be mailed separately or conveyed verbally when asked. There is never, NEVER, any request for a gift or cash or a donation of any kind, ever.

Guests reply promptly to the invitation on the enclosed blank card or their own stationary.

Guests wear the appropriate attire based on time and location of the wedding (e.g., after 6 pm is typically black tie, after 8 pm is white tie.)

Guests eat what is offered, they dont get to "check a box" for chicken or fish.

The bar(s) at the wedding are open, fully stocked and bartenders don't accept tips (no cash bars ever).

Gifts are either mailed or dropped off at the home of the parents or couple. Guests technically have one year from the date of the marriage to send a gift.

Gifts are NEVER taken to the wedding.

No money/cash is exchanged except that to pay the caterer or band.

No one is expected to give a gift or cash commensurate with the wedding costs. (That is just a tacky, low class, NJ-TP wedding anomaly).

I don't know who "nearly everybody" is since I have never once gotten a wedding invitation with the registry info on it. There are plenty of people who still follow traditional etiquette customs. I'm going to hang onto my good manners no matter what.