Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

If you want an underemployed man who has lots of free time to make dr appointments and cookies, then have at it. I'm sure those types of men are a dime a dozen but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be interested. But very few well paying jobs offer lots of flexibility and free time for the nonsense schools push on parents.

If you read the linked article, you will see that these men are not a dime a dozen, and in fact they don’t exist at all. Underemployed men don’t tend to spend their time doing things for their families.

Since you seem to be part of the problem here, saying that you would never date a man who is “underemployed” and seem to think that men have no value to their families outside of paid work, I would just like to hear your reasoning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

If you want an underemployed man who has lots of free time to make dr appointments and cookies, then have at it. I'm sure those types of men are a dime a dozen but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be interested. But very few well paying jobs offer lots of flexibility and free time for the nonsense schools push on parents.

My dad worked fulltime and could tell when someone needed to go to the doctor and made the appt or took us to urgent care asap.

It’s about paying attention and caring for a person. All action words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

Is your child neglected… over cookies not provided to elderly people during a Christmas singing session???

This is not remotely the same thing.

From what you describe, WTF, your child is being neglected. You have a child with a neglectful person. Protect the child. OP is talking about…. cookies.

What in the actual F.

The “cookies” you like to fixate on in your many lame posts are a red herring and you know it.

The main point is the uninvolved self-centered dad does nothing for any of the three kids or the wife’s obligations, then shows up at the final stage to watch the results and protect his image.

It's a mixture of that, and the wife treating non-obligations as obligations. And you know it.

The dad doesn’t read emails from the school.

He doesn’t care.

He won’t know if the kid needs a book ordered for literature class, or a bagged lunch if there’s a field trip, or if there’s a tshirt to wear that day or for a concert, or if there’s a half day, or whatever.

He doesn’t care and he also doesn’t care that he dumps everything on his spouse and kids- who hopefully don’t have phone and laptops every day 3-9pm.

Teachers have stories galore or Doofus Dads not following directions and their kids get left out. Or Doofus Dads emailing them them what to do instead of reading the various emails saying what to do. They treat their kids teachers like a personal secretary. Only dads. Too lazy to read messages or search them.

But this right here would cause the kids to step up. A kid in a literature class is old enough to tell their parent they need the book. Coddled kids expect their parents to do everything and take no responsibility. The dad in your scenario is actually expecting more of his kids and not just blindly doing everything for them. I have 3 kids and I can't remember everything they need all the time so they have learned to remind me and take ownership of making sure these things are happening if they are important to them. Otherwise it's just way too much to keep track of and most of it is just noise and not that important. My youngest would definitely remind me of needing a brown bag lunch and he will have memorized the teachers instructions that everything has to be disposable, only 1 bottle of water, write the name in Sharpie, etc.

Anonymous wrote: Btw, a nanny, cook and cleaner simply cannot sub in for a real parent who parents, or a house manager, health IDer, tutor, therapist for the kids. They don’t have the owner operator mentality or the skills and have their own problems to deal with.

Paid help can take a significant load off of a parent and family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

Troll

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

What things?

What do we need?

Who figures that out?

Not me. I don’t care. Nobody cares. Details schmetails.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Sounds like divorce and child support would be better then, all he focuses on is his paycheck. Divorce courts know what to do with that at least. And it would give 50/50 so he’d maybe get to know his kids and their needs more— if he didn’t get his new GF or old mom or whatever sitter he can quickly find to care for his kids. Sounds good!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

Is your child neglected… over cookies not provided to elderly people during a Christmas singing session???

This is not remotely the same thing.

From what you describe, WTF, your child is being neglected. You have a child with a neglectful person. Protect the child. OP is talking about…. cookies.

What in the actual F.

The “cookies” you like to fixate on in your many lame posts are a red herring and you know it.

The main point is the uninvolved self-centered dad does nothing for any of the three kids or the wife’s obligations, then shows up at the final stage to watch the results and protect his image.

It's a mixture of that, and the wife treating non-obligations as obligations. And you know it.

The dad doesn’t read emails from the school.

He doesn’t care.

He won’t know if the kid needs a book ordered for literature class, or a bagged lunch if there’s a field trip, or if there’s a tshirt to wear that day or for a concert, or if there’s a half day, or whatever.

He doesn’t care and he also doesn’t care that he dumps everything on his spouse and kids- who hopefully don’t have phone and laptops every day 3-9pm.

Teachers have stories galore or Doofus Dads not following directions and their kids get left out. Or Doofus Dads emailing them them what to do instead of reading the various emails saying what to do. They treat their kids teachers like a personal secretary. Only dads. Too lazy to read messages or search them.

Anonymous wrote:
In what world does caring if the right color shirt is worn equate to not caring about health? Do you prioritize anything in your live or is everything an emergency no matter how big or small an issue? That's quite a ridiculous leap of logic based on nothing.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

So you married a dud without a pulse. That still doesn’t mean freaking out over a dress and unnecessary cookies is a good use of time. If OP had bigger issues she probably would have mentioned them.

Sure did; he sits on the sidelines and watches Tv. The entire household is set up to avoid needing him for anything, which in turn minimizes chaos and setbacks for me and the kids. No one props him up any longer beyond that.

So be it.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

Those are OP’s two options when dealing with a husband who’s a krap parent and adult and refuses to do the work to improve:

Divorce and wish the kids the best during his custody time. Still do everything behind the scenes. He undermines all actual parenting or house rules through age 18.

Or

Stay together and take all responsibilities away from him. Household runs more smoothly. More work for functional parent. Kids need to grow up and get independent sooner.

Only two options: Divorce, or take all responsibilities?

Why isn't communicate an option? Because it didn't work in your situation?

As many people have pointed out in this thread, communicating about the need to buy a green sweater isn’t that much more difficult than buying the sweater.
The task is knowing what’s going on in your kids lives, reading all of the stupid communications and group texts, etc.

I’m terrible at this stuff, as is my husband, but I have a nanny for my little ones who keeps on top of this stuff for my older ones, and I appreciate the hell out of her. I don’t know why the men on this board are so loathe to do that for their wives.

I think what I gather from some here is their spouses cannot help but micromanage every family detail. And things they want to do, in part for themselves , become obligations like medical attention. You are pro-nanny so this does not sound like you, nor is it me.

That - like OPs side - is one side of it.

I don’t know. What I gather is that some people are so afraid to admit that they are wrong and so desperate to perpetuate this fiction that the “mental load” is made-up garbage that they are really twisting reality.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

So you married a dud without a pulse. That still doesn’t mean freaking out over a dress and unnecessary cookies is a good use of time. If OP had bigger issues she probably would have mentioned them.

Sure did; he sits on the sidelines and watches Tv. The entire household is set up to avoid needing him for anything, which in turn minimizes chaos and setbacks for me and the kids. No one props him up any longer beyond that.

So be it.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

Those are OP’s two options when dealing with a husband who’s a krap parent and adult and refuses to do the work to improve:

Divorce and wish the kids the best during his custody time. Still do everything behind the scenes. He undermines all actual parenting or house rules through age 18.

Or

Stay together and take all responsibilities away from him. Household runs more smoothly. More work for functional parent. Kids need to grow up and get independent sooner.

Only two options: Divorce, or take all responsibilities?

Why isn't communicate an option? Because it didn't work in your situation?

As many people have pointed out in this thread, communicating about the need to buy a green sweater isn’t that much more difficult than buying the sweater.
The task is knowing what’s going on in your kids lives, reading all of the stupid communications and group texts, etc.

I’m terrible at this stuff, as is my husband, but I have a nanny for my little ones who keeps on top of this stuff for my older ones, and I appreciate the hell out of her. I don’t know why the men on this board are so loathe to do that for their wives.

How would this even work? Both people read the email then they have to communicate are you getting the sweate or am I? It's so much easier to have one point person to handle school communication. The other parent becomes the point person for something else so you don't have to go back and forth all the time. OP is the point person for school and resents it. But what tasks does she have no problem ignoring and leaving to her spouse?

Yes. This is how this works. My nanny and I both read the email (although she reads them more often), and then she tells me to buy the green sweater or lets me know that she bought the green sweater.
At that point, I say “thank you! I really appreciate it!” or something similar.
I don’t say, “you are creating make-work that doesn’t need to be done” or “why are you stressing about this when there are more important problems in the world?” I don’t ask her if she is accusing me of neglecting my children. I don’t tell her that I am the point person on something else, that I am working just as hard as she is or any of the other BS in this thread.
I acknowledge that it’s a real task, that it takes time and a certain skill that I do not have, and that I appreciate her doing it.

It’s honestly not that hard.

Why not your husband? Probably because he would not entertain this waste of time back and forth so you foist it on the nanny who you pay to listen to you do things inefficiently because you don't delegate well.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

So you married a dud without a pulse. That still doesn’t mean freaking out over a dress and unnecessary cookies is a good use of time. If OP had bigger issues she probably would have mentioned them.

Sure did; he sits on the sidelines and watches Tv. The entire household is set up to avoid needing him for anything, which in turn minimizes chaos and setbacks for me and the kids. No one props him up any longer beyond that.

So be it.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

Those are OP’s two options when dealing with a husband who’s a krap parent and adult and refuses to do the work to improve:

Divorce and wish the kids the best during his custody time. Still do everything behind the scenes. He undermines all actual parenting or house rules through age 18.

Or

Stay together and take all responsibilities away from him. Household runs more smoothly. More work for functional parent. Kids need to grow up and get independent sooner.

Only two options: Divorce, or take all responsibilities?

Why isn't communicate an option? Because it didn't work in your situation?

Didn’t work the first 4-5 years.
Ask him to step up, do this or that, he’d say Yes, then not do it. 3-5 gentle reminders. Nothing. 6th reminder he’d explode. I read that Passive Aggressive Male book, all spot on.

He’d rage, explode, stonewall, threaten divorce, hide at work, temper tantrum, hide in screens, say he was tired at 6pm, etc.

Zero normal comms or conflict resolution with that type.

He quit therapy after being told to take a 12 step anger mgmt class or DBT year. He was first told to baby step things and start greeting each family member in the morning. He didn’t. He was then told to read all his Gmail & personal emails only on Thursday nights. (He never read them or responded to me or others if work or his personal friends- related). He didn’t.

So yeah, you want your 5&7 yo hanging out with that? He has ignored all of us since 2017, now we ignore him back.

So yes, those are the two bad options:
Divorce or Do everything & let him tag along.

Meanwhile kids get smarter, stronger, older, more independent and see him for exactly what his is.

And yes I work fulltime. We both do and each make very good money. Keeps me sane and good perspective. Btw, a nanny, cook and cleaner simply cannot sub in for a real parent who parents, or a house manager, health IDer, tutor, therapist for the kids. They don’t have the owner operator mentality or the skills and have their own problems to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

The crux of the problem is ONE parent will not or cannot see the family’s needs and proactively fulfill them — whether it’s the school’s stated concert attire for a kid, or no more cereal left, or a sick child needing medicine, emotional support of a teen.

Then everything falls onto the OTHER more functional parent, who also still works fulltime, can get an oil change every 5k miles or two years, rebalance a PA, fix a leaky toilet, and meal plan, etc.

I mean what good is knowing how to fix a leaky toilet if you’re too lazy to walk by said leaky toilet and do something about it asap or later that day. You need a royal invitation from your wife?

I’m sorry your husband is like that but don’t presume everyone is reading and nodding along.

DP. A lot of women have this issue with their husbands. It's understandable that we would seek to commiserate somewhere. That's what is happening here.

What I don't understand is why there are apparently so many women with husbands who are not like this who need to devote time to this thread and expressing disbelief that any men are like this, or claiming it's just one or something. It's obviously not. It's a trope for a reason.

Trying to convince everyone that buying the dress and cookies is the biggest problem in a marriage is why you’re getting such push back. Men have figured out that this is nonsense, women either want to do this or don’t like the way their husbands compete these non essential tasks and then want to martyr themselves over it. It’s hard to muster up a lot of sympathy over this. Just drop the rope. Send the kid with whatever she has in her closet that’s close enough. Let the cookies go. It doesn’t really matter.

Some of us prefer to do more than the bare minimum for our kids. Also, they do care and they will notice when they have a blue shirt and everyone else is wearing green.

Can you do this without wanting to be a hero? Why be like OP and start a post like this complaining about the things you chose to do?

What does that even mean? I feel like the argumentative “it doesn’t even matter” posters believe that simply keeping your child alive and dressed in clothing is enough. Which is pathetic. Yikes.

Now if we were talking about a custom designed shirt and specialty decorated cookies, I would agree a person is taking on too much and is part of the problem. Simply participating by choosing an appropriately colored shirt as per directions and buying some cookies is a normal thing.

Btw, some pp mentioned real health needs which is laughable. You think a parent that doesn’t care if a child has the right color outfit is going to take the time and energy to research and meet with specialist doctors or therapists? GMAFB.

In what world does caring if the right color shirt is worn equate to not caring about health? Do you prioritize anything in your live or is everything an emergency no matter how big or small an issue? That's quite a ridiculous leap of logic based on nothing.

Anonymous wrote: You think a parent that doesn’t care if a child has the right color outfit is going to take the time and energy to research and meet with specialist doctors or therapists?

Yes. I know very many couples who provide their children with the medical attention they need, and in stressful times during the holidays, can de-prioritize and exclude tasks like a new dress of a certain color for caroling at an elderly home.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Lol, right? That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.
They can’t bake cookies though…

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride


Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials)
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc).

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP!

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least.

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.

+1

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems.

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.

So you married a dud without a pulse. That still doesn’t mean freaking out over a dress and unnecessary cookies is a good use of time. If OP had bigger issues she probably would have mentioned them.

Sure did; he sits on the sidelines and watches Tv. The entire household is set up to avoid needing him for anything, which in turn minimizes chaos and setbacks for me and the kids. No one props him up any longer beyond that.

So be it.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

Those are OP’s two options when dealing with a husband who’s a krap parent and adult and refuses to do the work to improve:

Divorce and wish the kids the best during his custody time. Still do everything behind the scenes. He undermines all actual parenting or house rules through age 18.

Or

Stay together and take all responsibilities away from him. Household runs more smoothly. More work for functional parent. Kids need to grow up and get independent sooner.

Only two options: Divorce, or take all responsibilities?

Why isn't communicate an option? Because it didn't work in your situation?

As many people have pointed out in this thread, communicating about the need to buy a green sweater isn’t that much more difficult than buying the sweater.
The task is knowing what’s going on in your kids lives, reading all of the stupid communications and group texts, etc.

I’m terrible at this stuff, as is my husband, but I have a nanny for my little ones who keeps on top of this stuff for my older ones, and I appreciate the hell out of her. I don’t know why the men on this board are so loathe to do that for their wives.

How would this even work? Both people read the email then they have to communicate are you getting the sweate or am I? It's so much easier to have one point person to handle school communication. The other parent becomes the point person for something else so you don't have to go back and forth all the time. OP is the point person for school and resents it. But what tasks does she have no problem ignoring and leaving to her spouse?

Yes. This is how this works. My nanny and I both read the email (although she reads them more often), and then she tells me to buy the green sweater or lets me know that she bought the green sweater.
At that point, I say “thank you! I really appreciate it!” or something similar.
I don’t say, “you are creating make-work that doesn’t need to be done” or “why are you stressing about this when there are more important problems in the world?” I don’t ask her if she is accusing me of neglecting my children. I don’t tell her that I am the point person on something else, that I am working just as hard as she is or any of the other BS in this thread.
I acknowledge that it’s a real task, that it takes time and a certain skill that I do not have, and that I appreciate her doing it.

It’s honestly not that hard.