Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My DH went through this with his parents when he was a kid. His dad has lied and lied about it for years. Even now, 30 years later. His mom has always been calm and truthful about it so he is much closer to her. His dad dug his own grave.

Your kid is lucky to have you.

+1
Your DH is going to look like a buffoon.

I'm so sorry, OP. My DH went through this with his parents when he was a kid. His dad has lied and lied about it for years. Even now, 30 years later. His mom has always been calm and truthful about it so he is much closer to her. His dad dug his own grave.

Your kid is lucky to have you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Congratulations OP for your ability to navigate this practically and logically and unemotionally. You’re unintentionally doing the “180” that’s mentioned from time to time. Nothing bothers a wayward, cheating spouse more than believing that their cheated on spouse is willing to let the marriage go without playing the pick me dance. So keep it up and take the high road and I think you are going to be able to look back at this time with your head held high.

I would not be at all surprised if at some point in the not so distant future your husband tries to get you back. Let’s make some bets and get out some popcorn.

Good luck next week when your kid comes home. Lots of us are vested in your story so please update from time to time.

Thank you for your kindness! I really appreciate it. As for my stbx trying to get me back I say OH GOD NO THAT CANNOT HAPPEN NOW. I have set an intention to the universe to have some great sex at some point this year. So I'm afraid that scenario just won't be possible. 🤣🍿

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Congratulations OP for your ability to navigate this practically and logically and unemotionally. You’re unintentionally doing the “180” that’s mentioned from time to time. Nothing bothers a wayward, cheating spouse more than believing that their cheated on spouse is willing to let the marriage go without playing the pick me dance. So keep it up and take the high road and I think you are going to be able to look back at this time with your head held high.

I would not be at all surprised if at some point in the not so distant future your husband tries to get you back. Let’s make some bets and get out some popcorn.

Good luck next week when your kid comes home. Lots of us are vested in your story so please update from time to time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Glad to hear you are on track.

Do you think he's being nicer because you've been acting low conflict? Or because of guilt?

Sounds like calm and minimal reaction is the way to go.

He's very shame/guilt driven. He has to be baffled by my non-responses. But hey, I spent the last few decades going to therapy and working on myself and it turns out I was finally able to access those tools and go through this process without feeling like crap about myself. It's an interesting time for sure. People who know me well keep saying "is it weird to say you look amazing right now?" Nah not weird. I'll take it. I did not realize how heavy this weight was and how it was killing me slowly inside. I have a lot of hope for the future. I'm not angry (ok some stuff pisses me off but my reactions are pretty measured) I wish him well. I hope he finds whatever he's looking for. Our kid deserves a present dad. And did I say my kid rocks? Because my kid rocks.

It's great that you're not being the caricature he undoubtedly made in his head. You're going to do great on the other side of this. Sounds like OW was a cope/avoidance strategy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Glad to hear you are on track.

Do you think he's being nicer because you've been acting low conflict? Or because of guilt?

Sounds like calm and minimal reaction is the way to go.

He's very shame/guilt driven. He has to be baffled by my non-responses. But hey, I spent the last few decades going to therapy and working on myself and it turns out I was finally able to access those tools and go through this process without feeling like crap about myself. It's an interesting time for sure. People who know me well keep saying "is it weird to say you look amazing right now?" Nah not weird. I'll take it. I did not realize how heavy this weight was and how it was killing me slowly inside. I have a lot of hope for the future. I'm not angry (ok some stuff pisses me off but my reactions are pretty measured) I wish him well. I hope he finds whatever he's looking for. Our kid deserves a present dad. And did I say my kid rocks? Because my kid rocks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Glad to hear you are on track.

Do you think he's being nicer because you've been acting low conflict? Or because of guilt?

Sounds like calm and minimal reaction is the way to go.

Anonymous wrote:Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

OP here - Well this thread was started 3 weeks ago.....not to be a jerk but if you had read through any of this you would see that stbx told our kid immediately. He couldn't wait to break the news. I was not included in that decision which is now having repercussions for stbx. Not my problem.

Update from me: DH served me with divorce papers this week but I had already spent last week interviewing lawyers and I paid my retainer last Friday, so my attorney is dealing with his and she will update me when there's anything I need to start doing. I'm not freaking out. Based on conversations with several lawyers I will not be screwed financially. I have minimal communication with stbx. He's suddenly trying to be nice about certain things. Because I basically gave him no reaction when he said he wants a divorce, other than "ok", he now seems to be working hard to get my attention and show me that he's actually a really good guy. To which I say(in my head): spare me, and save it for your girlfriend. I'm saving my energy for my legal battle, taking care of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for our kid.

Tell your child the truth ...
If he/she doesn't know already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him explain it to the kid?

(Bitter laugh) He couldn't even explain it to ME. I had to drag it out of him based on mounting evidence. And then he admitted and then said he was moving out. I don't think he really gives AF about anyone's feelings right now but I'm not going to do this heavy lifting for him. He's not capable of being honest and if he were to tell dc on his own he would not be truthful about this being a unilateral decision and not a conscious uncoupling (insert vomit emoji...)

I have lived this. You as mom must share the narrative from your view and not let dad act like an innocent victim or to lie. I moved out and spoke w almost adult son before hand so he had a heads up. I did it while we were out not over the phone though. Not telling you what to do.

PP again. When I spoke w son I stated the facts without adding anything to it including emotion. I didn’t use judgments etc. DS is seemingly fine. My parents divorced my freshman year and why was never discussed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him explain it to the kid?

(Bitter laugh) He couldn't even explain it to ME. I had to drag it out of him based on mounting evidence. And then he admitted and then said he was moving out. I don't think he really gives AF about anyone's feelings right now but I'm not going to do this heavy lifting for him. He's not capable of being honest and if he were to tell dc on his own he would not be truthful about this being a unilateral decision and not a conscious uncoupling (insert vomit emoji...)

I have lived this. You as mom must share the narrative from your view and not let dad act like an innocent victim or to lie. I moved out and spoke w almost adult son before hand so he had a heads up. I did it while we were out not over the phone though. Not telling you what to do.

Anonymous wrote:OP, in time you will realize this is a gift. You no longer have to waste your life with a narcissist. Some other woman will waste the best years of her life changing your ex’s diapers. He’ll never be able to retire because his new family will force him to work into the grave to keep them going. I’m happily married and this is not my experience but in my line of work, I see a lot of tired old men with younger wives. These men complain because they can’t afford to retire, even with high incomes. I find it satisfying to see this natural karma play out. One guy is in his mid70’s and not rich by any standard,still working and with 8 kids, the youngest of which is 1yr old. His second wife is a tyrant.

I never thought of my dh as a narcissist. If anything that fits me and I have worked on it in therapy over the years. Perhaps I deluded myself, though, and he is also a narcissist; I was just blind to the signs. Who knows. TBH I don't care at the moment what is psychologically motivating him. I have work to do and I intend to come out of this experience stronger. I would feel awful for our kid if he ends up with someone as you describe. Again, that's beyond my control. I can only deal with my own stuff. And wow is there a lot to deal with....😭😭😭

OP, in time you will realize this is a gift. You no longer have to waste your life with a narcissist. Some other woman will waste the best years of her life changing your ex’s diapers. He’ll never be able to retire because his new family will force him to work into the grave to keep them going. I’m happily married and this is not my experience but in my line of work, I see a lot of tired old men with younger wives. These men complain because they can’t afford to retire, even with high incomes. I find it satisfying to see this natural karma play out. One guy is in his mid70’s and not rich by any standard,still working and with 8 kids, the youngest of which is 1yr old. His second wife is a tyrant.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a sad and dark phase and I wish I could give you a warm hug. It is also telling that while you were here trying to figure out what would be best for DS, DH just upped and shared the news.

You will probably be spinning about how this person could be so callous, cruel, thoughtless towards you, your past, and the end of a long life together. I was there 2 years ago and it was the pits.

I only posted to let you know that it will be hard and slow but you will get back your own power and self-esteem bit by bit. You are already showing that even in your deepest grief you are thinking as a mother and I am glad for your son that you are. He will need that.

Please take care. Please surround yourself with people who do value and cherish you and are there for you. I wish you all the best. Thanks to the PP above who is 7 years out, gave me hope too.

Your virtual hug means more than you know! Thank you for your words. They mean a lot. Ironically I have been moving into a better mental space over the course of the last year and confronting myself about some very major areas of my life that need work. It's giving me a lot of strength right now. This was not the narrative I was writing in my head for how things could be. I had hoped that by working on myself I could then work on my relationship with dh but I couldn't focus on that until I started owning my own deep and serious issues. So here I am. I'm the only person who hasn't been absolutely blindsided by dh's infidelity and wish to divorce. DC says he isn't totally surprised but had hoped things were going to get better between me and dh. "Mom you just seem so much better and happier lately. It seemed like you and Dad were getting along again." It's actually been a year of working to repair my self-esteem and stop raging at the world. I think this work on myself probably scared dh on some level so he took the opportunity to cut and run. I can't control him, and maybe some day he'll do some work on himself. I don't want ds to hate him or take sides. I'm a mom and even if my kid is now a young adult, the parenting isn't going to stop. It's a crappy situation right now but people like you, oh internet stranger, are hugely helpful. Thank you.

OP, this is a sad and dark phase and I wish I could give you a warm hug. It is also telling that while you were here trying to figure out what would be best for DS, DH just upped and shared the news.

You will probably be spinning about how this person could be so callous, cruel, thoughtless towards you, your past, and the end of a long life together. I was there 2 years ago and it was the pits.

I only posted to let you know that it will be hard and slow but you will get back your own power and self-esteem bit by bit. You are already showing that even in your deepest grief you are thinking as a mother and I am glad for your son that you are. He will need that.

Please take care. Please surround yourself with people who do value and cherish you and are there for you. I wish you all the best. Thanks to the PP above who is 7 years out, gave me hope too.