Anonymous wrote:Not being able to heal enough from childhood trauma to be the person I want to be. Part of that is just accepting me as I am and appreciating what I have. Why is that so hard?!

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Anonymous wrote:Marrying my husband.

Why?

He started off with the "quiet nerd" vibe, which I appreciated. And then over many years, and while researching my child's symptoms and realizing he had autism, I realized my husband had high-functioning autism as well, and it explained his emotional distance from his child and his social difficulties with everyone. I thought these problems would get better, not worse, with self-awareness and social practice. No. He's getting angrier, more paranoid and irrational, and more reclusive with age.

So given that I've got a kid with autism (who has a sweet nature and whom I hope will never end up like his father), and an angry spouse who is now reflexively argumentative and disrespectful... I feel my life could have been better without that marriage.

Of course I love my child to bits. But I sacrificed my career to stay home and look after him so that he could grow up to be as independent as possible. My husband just couldn't share the special parenting work it takes to continually engage with an autistic child.

Anonymous wrote:Not answering my 95 year-old Grandma’s phone call on the day Obama was elected president. I was too caught up in the excitement on Capitol Hill. She died a few days later and I am still bummed I never shared that moment with her (albeit on the phone) before she passed.

Anonymous wrote:Not saving more earlier. Not taking my life or career or relationships seriously until I was able to unpack/heal from serious childhood abuse. Both of these probably could have been avoided if I hadn’t been abused, so I can’t say I have regrets, but some resentment over having to overcome so much just to reach a pretty basic baseline of operations in life.

Anonymous wrote:Not playing football in middle school. I was fast, strong and tall. I played backyard football with my brothers, and I was great. I was not deluded to think I could play HS.

I asked my dad and he said no, I asked the coach (my friend's dad) he said yes.

My dad said, "I'm not worried about you getting hurt or not being successful. What I'm worried about is the boys feeling bad that a girl is beating them and how their dads will react to their son being tackled by a girl"

FF to 8th grade, I had the fastest time for the Presidental Fitness. A boy in my class said, he'd have a faster time, but he didn't run his fastest none of the boys did, because they didn't care. I challenged him to race me at recess. He did and I destroyed him. Almost every boy stopped talking to me for the rest of 8th grade.

I know there are a ton of studies that show girls do this in academics for my generation, pretending not to be as smart so boys don't feel bad.

FF to college... a guy challenged me to a basketball 1-1, I said yes and he was going to spot me 5 point play to 10, I didn't take the 5 points and I beat him. I was no longer invited to that house for parties.

Here comes the rest of the regret.
After that... I stopped trying to win... pool, darts, cards, boardgames. I would not beat guys because I didn't want to deal with their ire.
This continued at work and life in general.

I'm kind of bummed I just didn't say f it I don't own their feelings, I'm just doing my thing.

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Anonymous wrote:I did not marry the man I loved with all my heart and soul, because timing.

Decades on, I see timing was just an excuse for fear, and cost me the chance to live life with my soulmate.

Is he married now?

He may be separated. Neither of us have social media, but he’s accepted a professorship distant from his home and I hear his wife hasn’t moved. She has a serious career, so they may be doing LD. I have been separated for years. I feel like he would find me if he were meaningfully single.

To the snickers lady: Ahahaha, you are my hero

I found this one of the hardest regrets to read. I think we need a spinoff thread where everyone convinces you to reach out.

What if he is not separated, though? Or only kind of testing the waters. That would be so awful. He is one that would never, ever cheat, nor would I. I look for him in airports 😬

DH here: NGL, “I look for him in airports” got me right in the feels. PP: I kind of know what this feels like, I’d say reach out, the worst can say is “still taken” and take it from me you don’t want to wonder “what if” for decades.

🫶

I might consider it if I get strong clues that it’s a perma-separation or a divorce, but I really think if he’s free he will find me.

15 years ago, I pressured a colleague into calling her first husband from her 20s. We argued over this, because she felt I'd overstepped and I had. Long story, but she held a lot of regrets and felt like he was the one who got away. They ended up rekindling in their 50s and remarried until his death maybe 5 years later.

You need to reach out and stop making excuses not to. Respectfully.

😱 They only had five years. That is devastating, but so much better than never getting back together. Well, you all have certainly given me quite a bit to think about. I’m going to nose around and see if I can figure out anything more about his possible separation.

Can you just reach out casually? “Hey, I saw _____ and it made me laugh. Reminded me of (college/hometown). Hope you’re doing well.”

Neither of us have social media so any contact is going to inherently reveal that I’ve been semi-stalking. We haven’t spoken since shortly after he graduated college which was decades ago.

Can’t you send a friendly “you were on my mind” email and ask about family? Simple enough.

Or contact someone else who might know from your past? DH had an old college girlfriend of his best friend (the one who got away imho) call him out of the blue several years ago. She had located DH on LinkedIn and they had a nice chat. She was divorced and asked about the ex-boyfriend. DH still was in touch and brought her up-to-date. He was still happily married in this case.

I think this is the best way. Deep breaths. I think I could do that.

When is the last time you've spoken with him? Think hard about whether you really miss him or if it's a fantasy. You could end up feeling much more regretful if you reach out and he thinks it's nuts that you're still harboring feelings.

I've seen friends do this and end up much more distraught after it fails than if they kept this as a nice memory.

An ex once reached out to me 4 1/2 years after we broke up. He got my number through one of my friends who he was able to track down. Yes we "got" each other like no one else because we met when we were 14 and broke up when we were 25. He broke up with me and I was devastated.

But I had moved on by then. It was a long, horrible conversation. I refused to consider getting back together and had to outline all the reasons that we weren't compatible to he could get it in his head that there was zero chance of getting back together. It made both of us feel awful. I was single at the time. It would be even worse with marriage and children involved.

But if you absolutely need that closure, then go ahead. Just be prepared that this closure might have other unintended consequences. I truly hope that one way or another, you get what you need to move on. Good luck.

This sounds super romantic and all, but everyone is forgetting that if PP ended up marrying this guy when she was young, she would be on here complaining about how little he does around the house or that he yells at the kids too much or whatever. Really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not playing football in middle school. I was fast, strong and tall. I played backyard football with my brothers, and I was great. I was not deluded to think I could play HS.

I asked my dad and he said no, I asked the coach (my friend's dad) he said yes.

My dad said, "I'm not worried about you getting hurt or not being successful. What I'm worried about is the boys feeling bad that a girl is beating them and how their dads will react to their son being tackled by a girl"

FF to 8th grade, I had the fastest time for the Presidental Fitness. A boy in my class said, he'd have a faster time, but he didn't run his fastest none of the boys did, because they didn't care. I challenged him to race me at recess. He did and I destroyed him. Almost every boy stopped talking to me for the rest of 8th grade.

I know there are a ton of studies that show girls do this in academics for my generation, pretending not to be as smart so boys don't feel bad.

FF to college... a guy challenged me to a basketball 1-1, I said yes and he was going to spot me 5 point play to 10, I didn't take the 5 points and I beat him. I was no longer invited to that house for parties.

Here comes the rest of the regret.
After that... I stopped trying to win... pool, darts, cards, boardgames. I would not beat guys because I didn't want to deal with their ire.
This continued at work and life in general.

I'm kind of bummed I just didn't say f it I don't own their feelings, I'm just doing my thing.

Your dad was right. What’s the point of wining some stupid game? You know you are good; you don’t need to keep proving it - or you can compete with other women.
And relationship are… not everything but 99% of success and happiness.

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Anonymous wrote:I did not marry the man I loved with all my heart and soul, because timing.

Decades on, I see timing was just an excuse for fear, and cost me the chance to live life with my soulmate.

Is he married now?

He may be separated. Neither of us have social media, but he’s accepted a professorship distant from his home and I hear his wife hasn’t moved. She has a serious career, so they may be doing LD. I have been separated for years. I feel like he would find me if he were meaningfully single.

To the snickers lady: Ahahaha, you are my hero

I found this one of the hardest regrets to read. I think we need a spinoff thread where everyone convinces you to reach out.

What if he is not separated, though? Or only kind of testing the waters. That would be so awful. He is one that would never, ever cheat, nor would I. I look for him in airports 😬

DH here: NGL, “I look for him in airports” got me right in the feels. PP: I kind of know what this feels like, I’d say reach out, the worst can say is “still taken” and take it from me you don’t want to wonder “what if” for decades.

🫶

I might consider it if I get strong clues that it’s a perma-separation or a divorce, but I really think if he’s free he will find me.

15 years ago, I pressured a colleague into calling her first husband from her 20s. We argued over this, because she felt I'd overstepped and I had. Long story, but she held a lot of regrets and felt like he was the one who got away. They ended up rekindling in their 50s and remarried until his death maybe 5 years later.

You need to reach out and stop making excuses not to. Respectfully.

😱 They only had five years. That is devastating, but so much better than never getting back together. Well, you all have certainly given me quite a bit to think about. I’m going to nose around and see if I can figure out anything more about his possible separation.

Can you just reach out casually? “Hey, I saw _____ and it made me laugh. Reminded me of (college/hometown). Hope you’re doing well.”

Neither of us have social media so any contact is going to inherently reveal that I’ve been semi-stalking. We haven’t spoken since shortly after he graduated college which was decades ago.

Can’t you send a friendly “you were on my mind” email and ask about family? Simple enough.

Or contact someone else who might know from your past? DH had an old college girlfriend of his best friend (the one who got away imho) call him out of the blue several years ago. She had located DH on LinkedIn and they had a nice chat. She was divorced and asked about the ex-boyfriend. DH still was in touch and brought her up-to-date. He was still happily married in this case.

I think this is the best way. Deep breaths. I think I could do that.

When is the last time you've spoken with him? Think hard about whether you really miss him or if it's a fantasy. You could end up feeling much more regretful if you reach out and he thinks it's nuts that you're still harboring feelings.

I've seen friends do this and end up much more distraught after it fails than if they kept this as a nice memory.

An ex once reached out to me 4 1/2 years after we broke up. He got my number through one of my friends who he was able to track down. Yes we "got" each other like no one else because we met when we were 14 and broke up when we were 25. He broke up with me and I was devastated.

But I had moved on by then. It was a long, horrible conversation. I refused to consider getting back together and had to outline all the reasons that we weren't compatible to he could get it in his head that there was zero chance of getting back together. It made both of us feel awful. I was single at the time. It would be even worse with marriage and children involved.

But if you absolutely need that closure, then go ahead. Just be prepared that this closure might have other unintended consequences. I truly hope that one way or another, you get what you need to move on. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I became morbidly obese in 3rd grade when I was 9-10 years old due to severe physical and sexual violence. Being a fat girl ruined my life more than the abuse did. It was a miserable, joyless existence.