Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:52
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Hi all!
Im a mom of 3 school aged kids (11 and younger), so Im not really sure what is in the realm of normal behavior for ages 13-18. DH and I have recently started socializing with a couple who has one younger child together and the husband has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. He splits custody of the daughter.
They came over for dinner on the weekend, and I assumed the 15 year old would want to hang in the kid area maybe playing video games with my 11 year old or just doing whatever with the kiddos. Instead, the teen chose to sit with the adults the whole night, first when we were out back drinking and socializing, then throughout dinner being served and eaten (the kids were served earlier), and even until after dinner. The teen interjected into conversation in a mostly appropriate manner, but still.... they are 15. It sort of put a damper on the evening for me as I felt I couldn't be as open with my friends as I usually would without a kid present and engaged.
So my question to this group is, is this normal for the kid to hang with adults all night at their age? Is this something I should expect more as my kids grown older and we continue to socialize at home with other families?
Thanks y'all!
Kids cannot win these days.
They get criticized for always being on their phones or YouTube or Xbox, rather than participating in familial or societal conversations... but now, when one actually prefered to remain with the adults, socializing in a mature, appropriate manner, that gets criticized too? Unbelievable.
OP, you should pray that when your kids are 15, they'll have emulated the same decorum as this polite and mature child.
After all, you can't have it both ways -- you can't be annoyed at her growth & maturity, while also wanting your children to act as properly & respectfully when THEY'RE that age.
That would be incredibly hypocritical of you to do so.
It seems like her parents are raising her right... maybe you should start taking notes?
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:31
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone keep yammering on about the 15 year old babysitting? The kids' parents are right there, there's no need for anyone to babysit. That wasn't what OP was expecting.
No, OP wants the teenager to "go play" with her 11 year old.
Nothing wrong with that, she is a kid after all. She can't find anything fun to do with the other kids.
Do you think everyone under 18 enjoys playing together? It’s like you’re unfamiliar with humans.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:20
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone keep yammering on about the 15 year old babysitting? The kids' parents are right there, there's no need for anyone to babysit. That wasn't what OP was expecting.
No, OP wants the teenager to "go play" with her 11 year old.
Nothing wrong with that, she is a kid after all. She can't find anything fun to do with the other kids.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:15
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why can't the 15yr old stay home alone? That is the ideal situation
She could, but OP invited the whole family and they... brought their family. Now it will be awkward for OP when she has to invite "whole family except DD" or "whole family but DD can't sit with the adults (even though she was nice and polite)."
It doesn't matter. The other family no doubt picked up on OP's attitude and won't be coming back.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:11
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Why can't the 15yr old stay home alone? That is the ideal situation
She could, but OP invited the whole family and they... brought their family. Now it will be awkward for OP when she has to invite "whole family except DD" or "whole family but DD can't sit with the adults (even though she was nice and polite)."
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:06
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone keep yammering on about the 15 year old babysitting? The kids' parents are right there, there's no need for anyone to babysit. That wasn't what OP was expecting.
No, OP wants the teenager to "go play" with her 11 year old.
I think OP doesn't care what the teen does as long as she leaves the adults to their conversation.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:05
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
OP, I'd love to know what you communicated about this evening to your guests. Did you invite them for a specific time with no end time, or give them a sense that you were thinking 5-9? Did you explain that the kids and adults would eat and socialize separately?
It sounds like you and your existing friend group have a really strong pattern for how you socialize. These guests were new acquaintances you obviously didn't know veery well (since you didn't even know they had a teen in the family.)
Did you assume your pattern of socializing was the norm for everyone and the new family would expect it, or did you communicate what the night would look like? Your socializing pattern would very much NOT be what I would have been expecting with dinner with new acquaintances. Had you invited us for a family dinner I would have assumed that meant arrive, chat for a bit while kids play (30-60 minutes), eat dinner with everyone together, kids play a bit more while adults finish wine, dessert for all, and then home. I would certainly not expect to stay until 9 with younger kids, as this is past their bedtime. This is the norm in my social circle. Neither is right or wrong; neither is some universal default. With my version teen coming and hanging with the adults would have been fine (and much shorter); with yours it was long and awkward and I suspect teen wished she had stayed home. But it may well be a case of miscommunication, not rudeness, lack of social awareness, etc., and let's not go looking for someone to blame...especially not a kid.
It sounds like you and your existing friend group have a really strong pattern for how you socialize. These guests were new acquaintances you obviously didn't know veery well (since you didn't even know they had a teen in the family.)
Did you assume your pattern of socializing was the norm for everyone and the new family would expect it, or did you communicate what the night would look like? Your socializing pattern would very much NOT be what I would have been expecting with dinner with new acquaintances. Had you invited us for a family dinner I would have assumed that meant arrive, chat for a bit while kids play (30-60 minutes), eat dinner with everyone together, kids play a bit more while adults finish wine, dessert for all, and then home. I would certainly not expect to stay until 9 with younger kids, as this is past their bedtime. This is the norm in my social circle. Neither is right or wrong; neither is some universal default. With my version teen coming and hanging with the adults would have been fine (and much shorter); with yours it was long and awkward and I suspect teen wished she had stayed home. But it may well be a case of miscommunication, not rudeness, lack of social awareness, etc., and let's not go looking for someone to blame...especially not a kid.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:04
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why can't the 15yr old stay home alone? That is the ideal situation
How should she be informed that the rest of the family is invited to socialize, but her presence is not welcome? Should her dad tell her to stay home, and risk alienating the daughter he only sees 4-6 days per month, making her feel like she’s not really part of his second family? Should the stepmom tell her, and risk looking like the evil stepmother, who doesn’t want her step kid to ruin their otherwise perfect match with another family?
She could be given the option of going to the gathering for pizza and video games with the kids or staying home.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 14:03
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone keep yammering on about the 15 year old babysitting? The kids' parents are right there, there's no need for anyone to babysit. That wasn't what OP was expecting.
No, OP wants the teenager to "go play" with her 11 year old.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:32
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
It’s weird to expect teens to disappear. Nor do I change the conversation. What are you discussing that a teen can’t hear? Ours are able to converse properly with adults because they’ve been exposed to dinner party conversation since they were children.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:31
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A 15yo hanging out with kids 11 and under is not “playing”….it is babysitting. A high school sophomore. Are you kidding with this? Of course the girl doesn’t want to be stuck babysitting a bunch of kids she doesn’t know.
Her dad and stepmom should’ve foreseen it could be a problem- but if he doesn’t get much time with her, he probably didn’t want to leave her home. They may have also expected a shorter evening as opposed to hanging out for hours after- and did not want to be rude after seeing you’d planned otherwise.
If you don’t want her there- then just invite this family over when the girl is at her mother’s. Problem solved.
I see no problem with a 15 year old kid reverting back to being a younger kid for a few hours and yes, playing with other kids. It'll be good for them.
You don’t know many 15 year old girls, do you?
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:28
Subject: 15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:Why can't the 15yr old stay home alone? That is the ideal situation
How should she be informed that the rest of the family is invited to socialize, but her presence is not welcome? Should her dad tell her to stay home, and risk alienating the daughter he only sees 4-6 days per month, making her feel like she’s not really part of his second family? Should the stepmom tell her, and risk looking like the evil stepmother, who doesn’t want her step kid to ruin their otherwise perfect match with another family?
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:24
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Anonymous wrote:A 15yo hanging out with kids 11 and under is not “playing”….it is babysitting. A high school sophomore. Are you kidding with this? Of course the girl doesn’t want to be stuck babysitting a bunch of kids she doesn’t know.
Her dad and stepmom should’ve foreseen it could be a problem- but if he doesn’t get much time with her, he probably didn’t want to leave her home. They may have also expected a shorter evening as opposed to hanging out for hours after- and did not want to be rude after seeing you’d planned otherwise.
If you don’t want her there- then just invite this family over when the girl is at her mother’s. Problem solved.
I see no problem with a 15 year old kid reverting back to being a younger kid for a few hours and yes, playing with other kids. It'll be good for them.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:23
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
Why does everyone keep yammering on about the 15 year old babysitting? The kids' parents are right there, there's no need for anyone to babysit. That wasn't what OP was expecting.
Anonymous
09/26/2023 13:19
Subject: Re:15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?
A 15yo hanging out with kids 11 and under is not “playing”….it is babysitting. A high school sophomore. Are you kidding with this? Of course the girl doesn’t want to be stuck babysitting a bunch of kids she doesn’t know.
Her dad and stepmom should’ve foreseen it could be a problem- but if he doesn’t get much time with her, he probably didn’t want to leave her home. They may have also expected a shorter evening as opposed to hanging out for hours after- and did not want to be rude after seeing you’d planned otherwise.
If you don’t want her there- then just invite this family over when the girl is at her mother’s. Problem solved.
Her dad and stepmom should’ve foreseen it could be a problem- but if he doesn’t get much time with her, he probably didn’t want to leave her home. They may have also expected a shorter evening as opposed to hanging out for hours after- and did not want to be rude after seeing you’d planned otherwise.
If you don’t want her there- then just invite this family over when the girl is at her mother’s. Problem solved.