Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:43     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.


You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:41     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m with your husband. The rule in our house was that there needed to be one person getting uninterrupted sleep. Two adults with interrupted sleep was a disaster. Since I was nursing that meant that I was up with the baby. Spouse slept.

BUT…it was all hands on deck. Because I was up with the baby, that meant I needed to nap during the day. I wasn’t doing all the meals or laundry. Spouse would come home from work and take the baby so I get some alone time. No one complained about the house not looking perfect. Groceries were delivered or take out ordered.


I generally agree with this, with the caveat that he handles all feedings on the weekends so OP can get two nights of uninterrupted sleep. I know you can't "catch up" on sleep, but there's a big difference between an unending expanse of bad sleep and seeing a day in the not too distant future when you can sleep through the night.

Also, you should have him do what you describe as the "bedtime feeding" and go to sleep as soon as he gets home/off work. That'll give you a bigger block of time to sleep.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:40     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
There are moments during marriage, when your baby is awake yet again, and your husband is sleeping like a rock through it all. You will look at your husband and probably have a fleeting thought of smothering him with his own pillow. Welcome to motherhood with most men.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:35     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.


Not reading all the responses…you have one kid?! sorry, but your husband is right, are you kidding me, you are staying home and can nap when baby naps. He’s at work. If you both worked , that’s a different situation. Once you return to work, you will need a new system, but right now, you should be doing all the night feeding and leave your husband sleep.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:17     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Who wakes up when a baby cries in the middle of the night? Answer - the mom. Dads sleep through everything. It's nature telling us what to do. Don't mess with nature.


What’s even the point of a dude like you? Woman would be better off a single mother than with a pointless “partner”.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 18:15     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Your husband is being selfish, as men usually are where babies are concerned. Mine had me doing all the night waking, and I was breastfeeding and pumping to keep a stash for daycare. I also went back to my nursing job doing 12 hr shifts. And doing all the night waking.

He's an ex husband, for many reasons. If you ask him, the babies slept great and never interrupted his sleep. The reality is that he sleeps very soundly, a bomb could go off and he doesn't wake up, much less to a crying baby. The baby stage was easy and great for him. Only because I made it so.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 17:23     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Who wakes up when a baby cries in the middle of the night? Answer - the mom. Dads sleep through everything. It's nature telling us what to do. Don't mess with nature.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 17:19     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.


What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?


The man will go back to helping like he was before he went back to work and a new deal has to be worked out. Sorry, the one staying home has no pressure to perform at work. Can’t be fired from being a parent, but you can from not performing well at work. The man baby is doing his role for the family as is the mother and it will be tough for a time while baby needs to be fed every few hours.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:45     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?


OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.


You have too many excuses. Relax your cleaning standards or get a once a week cleaning person. Don’t cook. Make sandwiches and keep it simple. Washing bottles and pump parts doesn’t take all day. The baby will have to get over being held every time for an entire nap. You’re setting yourself up for failure by giving in to that anyway.


OP here. Nutrition is super important to me and a sandwich will not do. One, it's not nutritious, and 2, it's not very filling. I make all organic, healthy foods to give my body and baby the best nutrition. I make myself breakfast and lunch everyday. My husband I switch off on cooking. We make everything at home, do not eat frozen fast foods, and do not eat takeout much. I need a lot of calories and that requires a lot of food.

Cooking requires cleaning. I wash my pump parts every other pump. I wash baby bottles once a day. I do admit I like a clean home and I do not feel like I mentally do well without a clean home. I wash so much laundry because baby goes through laundry so fast.

There are times where I just enjoy sitting down with my baby and holding him.


Ok this has to be fake.

I was with you OP, your husband is a jerk and needs to take a night feeding. But while we are talking about compromises we will all make to survive this very difficult period.... you need to open your mind to some as well and this "we have to cook all our own healthy organic food" crap is absolutely on that list.


Agreed. All that super organic healthy food and she has supply issues? Maybe her diet is part of the problem. This person can not be real.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:39     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:I’m not totally sure what is going on here. What it comes down to for me is that sleep is essential for both parents, whether or not they are working. For many women, “just nap during the day” doesn’t work because they can’t fall asleep (that was my issue) or the baby doesn’t nap easily yet (many babies don’t have a stable nap schedule until 3 months - that’s very normal.) But I’m not sure if that is OP’s situation.

On the other hand, it is selfish and churlish for a parent to declare unilaterally that they are not going to participate in an aspect of childrearing. No parent can just refuse to do night-time parenting altogether like the DH here. At a minimum he needs to take night feeds every other day so she can get some solid night-time sleep. He has no right to declare that she bears all the burden of night parenting.


I think new parents don’t get the idea of “night parenting”. Being a parent is a 24 hour/7 days a week gig.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:35     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:OP I'm not a fan of lazy husbands... but I do think you need to make this simpler for yourself. I would encourage you to stop pumping at night. Roll over, nurse baby in bed, place baby back and everyone goes back to sleep. Don't turn on lights, don't get up out of bed, don't change diapers (get better ones!!). I personally couldn't go without sleep, so that was my attack plan. 3 babies, I EBF and dh never got up once because it was too hard for me (woke both of us up, I leaked milk everywhere and pumping totally wakes you up). If you don't fully wake up, you will be able to go back to sleep very easily.

You're currently choosing the hardest path (pumping, bottle feeding and nursing). Either choose to breastfeed or go with formula. Also, baby should start dropping wakeups soon. By 8 weeks, most are down to 1-2 and by 12 some start STTN.


All this! It’s best advice. Pumping sucks and I don’t know why anyone would do it voluntarily. You have to do everything you can to maximize your sleep options. I would also do most middle of the night feedings and DH did early morning.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:27     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
After reading the updates- team DH. I think he's not on board with her martyrdom. Choosing to pump is a personal choice and it isn't the best method. You're choosing the hardest path possible, so why should his sleep suffer for it too? You're like my friend who whined that her husband wouldn't help with her 150 Christmas cards. He doesn't help.... because he thinks it's too much!
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:23     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
OP I'm not a fan of lazy husbands... but I do think you need to make this simpler for yourself. I would encourage you to stop pumping at night. Roll over, nurse baby in bed, place baby back and everyone goes back to sleep. Don't turn on lights, don't get up out of bed, don't change diapers (get better ones!!). I personally couldn't go without sleep, so that was my attack plan. 3 babies, I EBF and dh never got up once because it was too hard for me (woke both of us up, I leaked milk everywhere and pumping totally wakes you up). If you don't fully wake up, you will be able to go back to sleep very easily.

You're currently choosing the hardest path (pumping, bottle feeding and nursing). Either choose to breastfeed or go with formula. Also, baby should start dropping wakeups soon. By 8 weeks, most are down to 1-2 and by 12 some start STTN.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:11     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?


OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.


You have too many excuses. Relax your cleaning standards or get a once a week cleaning person. Don’t cook. Make sandwiches and keep it simple. Washing bottles and pump parts doesn’t take all day. The baby will have to get over being held every time for an entire nap. You’re setting yourself up for failure by giving in to that anyway.


OP here. Nutrition is super important to me and a sandwich will not do. One, it's not nutritious, and 2, it's not very filling. I make all organic, healthy foods to give my body and baby the best nutrition. I make myself breakfast and lunch everyday. My husband I switch off on cooking. We make everything at home, do not eat frozen fast foods, and do not eat takeout much. I need a lot of calories and that requires a lot of food.

Cooking requires cleaning. I wash my pump parts every other pump. I wash baby bottles once a day. I do admit I like a clean home and I do not feel like I mentally do well without a clean home. I wash so much laundry because baby goes through laundry so fast.

There are times where I just enjoy sitting down with my baby and holding him.



A sandwich is not enough! Okay lady enjoy martyrdom


So eat two sandwiches. You think laundry from one baby is a lot? That’s cute. Your baby isn’t colicky, doesn’t have reflux, doesn’t take hours to put to sleep, and takes a 3 hour nap? You have no idea how easy you have it right now. Don’t have any more kids. Seriously
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 15:07     Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?


OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.


You have too many excuses. Relax your cleaning standards or get a once a week cleaning person. Don’t cook. Make sandwiches and keep it simple. Washing bottles and pump parts doesn’t take all day. The baby will have to get over being held every time for an entire nap. You’re setting yourself up for failure by giving in to that anyway.


OP here. Nutrition is super important to me and a sandwich will not do. One, it's not nutritious, and 2, it's not very filling. I make all organic, healthy foods to give my body and baby the best nutrition. I make myself breakfast and lunch everyday. My husband I switch off on cooking. We make everything at home, do not eat frozen fast foods, and do not eat takeout much. I need a lot of calories and that requires a lot of food.

Cooking requires cleaning. I wash my pump parts every other pump. I wash baby bottles once a day. I do admit I like a clean home and I do not feel like I mentally do well without a clean home. I wash so much laundry because baby goes through laundry so fast.

There are times where I just enjoy sitting down with my baby and holding him.



A sandwich is not enough! Okay lady enjoy martyrdom


Easy. Have two sandwiches