Do you think she is actually bored? Or does she lose interest when she's not thinking of herself as the best or top in the activity?

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

I don’t know what to tell you - my kids (2 out of my three) are in middle school and won’t try new things easily.

And when we tried less formal things like “bike around the neighborhood” it got pushed for weather or other stuff so it rarely happened.

I hardly think once a week rec soccer is “optimizing” - it won’t help with college admissions or anything. But it’s teaching how to live a full life, which is the actual goal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

My DD will try something new if it’s something where everyone or most everyone else is new, but not something where she’s the only new kid. So in middle school, she would be open to something like Model UN, but not soccer. A lot but obviously not all kids are like this.

My kid has always been this way. She doesn't want to go join an activity where everyone else has been doing it for years. Which I get. So when it's a new-to-her activity, I always try to find a true beginner class with same age peers, or with mixed ages where they aren't obviously the oldest. Sometimes you have to look around a bit, but you'd be surprised. And don't hesitate to contact an organization and ask -- sometimes they can help you figure it out even if it's not obvious. Coaches and teachers are well aware of this issue for kids new to an activity, and often motivated to create environments where they can learn the sport/activity in a low pressure way with other beginners.

Anonymous wrote:My 10yo complains about pretty much every sport or activity I try to sign her up for. She’s tried several things and was actually enjoying a ninja class for a few weeks, but now suddenly that is “boring” too.

At this point I am tired of fighting, tired of wasting money, and tired of dragging her to one weekly class while she complains in the back seat. I’m very tempted to just stop. No more trying to sell her on things. If she asks to do something, fine. Otherwise I’m done.

Is that terrible? Is 10 too young to just back off and stop trying for a while? And no, she does not have unlimited screen time or her own tablet.

Would love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

- Exhausted mom

OP, my kid was like yours, complaining about every activity, for years…. DD would want to quit, or not even start an activity, through some combination of 1) it stopped being fun because she had to work at it, 2) she was a little embarrassed at being an older beginner, and/or 3) she didn’t have friends in the class with her. She also has anxiety about trying new activities and going to new places.

One time, i told her in a really firm voice “no matter how much you complain, you have to do X activity. You know how school is mandatory, and no matter what, you have to go? Well that’s how I feel about [X]. Until you start high school, [X] is non-negotiable, period.” I think subconsciously, she must’ve thought that if she wore me down enough, I’d let her quit, but I must’ve finally convinced her that this was not the case, and she stopped complaining.

In addition, I think it helped a lot that I did let her drop some things and she felt “heard.” For instance, she wanted to quit both gymnastics and piano, and I told her that I’d let her quit gymnastics, but only if she continued piano, without complaint, and did some minimal practice like 3x a week for 45 minutes. She was so happy to quit gymnastics and has actually kept her side of the bargain for the last six months, which if you knew my DD, is practically a miracle.

Anyway, this is my long way of saying I wouldn’t just let her quit altogether. If I were you, I’d negotiate a compromise with her that works for both of you. Something that involves her continuing say one activity -without complaint- but gives her something she wants in turn. The carrot you give her has to be something she finds compelling enough though.

Anonymous wrote:The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

My DD will try something new if it’s something where everyone or most everyone else is new, but not something where she’s the only new kid. So in middle school, she would be open to something like Model UN, but not soccer. A lot but obviously not all kids are like this.

The people who are saying that kids don’t do new stuff in middle school are being weird. There are a bunch of clubs in middle school that people get into that they have never done before (like Model UN, drama club, etc). And while I agree that sports are tougher, a bunch of kids do track with no formal track/running training.

My daughter went through a phase of dropping lots of stuff elementary. But in middle school, she decided musical theater was her passion and wants to do clubs, classes, dance, voice, acrobatics. Is it tough because she dropped dance for several years? Sure, but she loves it and she does it.

I don’t think pushing kids makes any sense if they really don’t like something. But I can see some level of guidance around “you have to get some exercise, but that can be biking around the neighborhood.” All of this “we must optimize children at all costs” is part of the mental health problem we have.

My kid doesn't have a strong work ethic in sports, but she's super social, so what's worked well for me is coordinating with other kids on activities. If she has a friend, she's all in. The hard part has been teaching her that she can't socialize during the sport. I kind of solved this by setting up playdates for after the sport, where possible, by offering rides. She knows if she engages during practice, she gets to play after. It's a lot, but I want her to be fit and active now and throughout her life.

If she’s complaining in the backseat on the way to class, what’s she saying on the way home. For example, my kid who’s not great with transitions doesn’t like to stop playing and go to a specific activity, but is generally positive about it on the way home.

I’d also probe the word boring. Is something repetitive? Is there a lot of waiting for a turn? Is a specific part of class boring? Is she putting down a great book to go to class?

I generally suggest my kids have an active activity, at least in the winter, and one other of their choice. One of my kids prefers fewer activities and that’s ok with me.

I stopped forcing activities around 2nd grade, but that was partly because my kid had decided on a couple activities she liked so I was comfortable just letting her do those and not making her do activities that didn't interest her.

I continued to suggest things as opportunities came up, but if I got a hard "no", I never pushed. Sometimes I could tell she was interested but worried it wouldn't go well, in which case I might encourage trying it once just to see.

But mostly I've let her choose her own activities and not tried to push anything. She's done school clubs based entirely on her own interest, she tells me which camps are good and which she hates and doesn't want to return to, etc. As long as there are things she's saying "yes" to, I don't worry much about the stuff she rejects. Everyone has preferences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is she doing if shes at home?

If she is playing with friends, drawing, reading, being creative etc in some way I dont think activities are needed.

If she is bored asking for you to entertain her, or wants constant screens then yes activities are good.

This. Eventually she will need stuff to put on her college apps so in middle school I’d start exploring so she has stuff to do come HS.

In middle school kids are reluctant to try new things and look silly in front of peers. Plus, by then, everyone else is good at whatever because they have been doing it for years. There is no beginning soccer for sixth graders for example.

We also require one music activity and one active activity.

This exactly. By age 12, you basically missed the boat - kid will be stuck with younger kids because the older ones are advanced. I was a beginner aerobics at age 15, and I was so embarrassed. Everyone else was light years ahead of me. I was mad at my parents for not signing me up and pushing me sooner. I’m pushing my kids and made two of their activities non-negotiable. Most of the kids complain about everything, so I wouldn’t care. At this moment they have no clue and just want to sit and play on the computer

OP here, thanks I appreciate this feedback. This was exactly my concern, which sucks but it's reality. Curious, what are your non negotiable activities?

She really enjoys drawing and crafting but refused an art class. I did sign her up for a 2 week art camp this summer which she seems excited about. I'm going to start teaching her sewing this summer too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is she doing if shes at home?

If she is playing with friends, drawing, reading, being creative etc in some way I dont think activities are needed.

If she is bored asking for you to entertain her, or wants constant screens then yes activities are good.

This. Eventually she will need stuff to put on her college apps so in middle school I’d start exploring so she has stuff to do come HS.

In middle school kids are reluctant to try new things and look silly in front of peers. Plus, by then, everyone else is good at whatever because they have been doing it for years. There is no beginning soccer for sixth graders for example.

We also require one music activity and one active activity.

This exactly. By age 12, you basically missed the boat - kid will be stuck with younger kids because the older ones are advanced. I was a beginner aerobics at age 15, and I was so embarrassed. Everyone else was light years ahead of me. I was mad at my parents for not signing me up and pushing me sooner. I’m pushing my kids and made two of their activities non-negotiable. Most of the kids complain about everything, so I wouldn’t care. At this moment they have no clue and just want to sit and play on the computer

Can there be one ongoing mandatory activity, and you can add things once in awhile if she asks?

The one activity could be swimming (life skill) or an instrument. She might like adding one day or 3 day series workshop or clinic type of activities rather than a full 12 week weekly class.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is she doing if shes at home?

If she is playing with friends, drawing, reading, being creative etc in some way I dont think activities are needed.

If she is bored asking for you to entertain her, or wants constant screens then yes activities are good.

This. Eventually she will need stuff to put on her college apps so in middle school I’d start exploring so she has stuff to do come HS.

In middle school kids are reluctant to try new things and look silly in front of peers. Plus, by then, everyone else is good at whatever because they have been doing it for years. There is no beginning soccer for sixth graders for example.

We also require one music activity and one active activity.

There are plenty of activities other than soccer.

Without having more information its hard to tell if this is the case but is your DD able to push herself to do hard things? I don't think a weekly activity is an absolute must but at age 10 she should learn to deal with a little bit of discomfort. Committing to something and showing up even when you don't want to are important life skills. Many kids get that through activities like sports or theater but you also have kids that are self-motivated enough to do that on their own. Learning a new skill like playing the guitar or starting a mother's helper or weeding business are ways that kids do that without a structured activity. There are healthcare facilities that accept baked goods for their patients or employees. She can commit to baking something every week or just making dinner once a week for your household.

The other thing is that 10 year old girls go through alot of fluctuations in friendships and confidence and activities are a good outlet that expose them to other kids and different friend groups. I think you should push her to find and commit to at least one thing. And committing means not whining or complaining but just getting it done.