Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.

I can tell you that you are not alone. We have the same dynamic. It's really hard. I have to do breath work to get through some days with my ADHD high school boy. On the outside, he looks like he is thriving, but in reality, he has a very involved mom who doesn't let him forget his schoolwork, and who literally has to supervise him making his bed and brushing his teeth every morning. I'm sooooo tired. I kind of want to get a divorce after he leaves and just live happily ever after in peaceful solitude for the rest of my life.

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I would drop most of the scheduled activities and have a talk about trade school with him.
Because that is actually not a bad option. Seriously, even after he gets through college, what then with this organization skills deficit?
The licensed skilled trades pay very well actually.

Anonymous wrote:Boy moms are next level. The amount of work mothers put in, helping their sons with assignments, reminding them to do work, saving them left and right. I have daughters who I stopping helping in early middle school. That’s the time to make mistakes. That’s the time for crappy grades and hard lessons and forgotten sports equipment. 9th grade isn’t too late. Let him be. He will be happier, become more responsible, have agency and grow more confident.

Anonymous wrote:You think your freshman son isn't also hormonal? You think he appreciates being screamed at? Has it occurred to you that he spends all day surrounded by OTHER hormonal teens and then comes home to his stressed out perimenopausal mother who is stressed about his grandparent? Why aren't you letting him fail? Get the bad grades? Because he won't get into a good college? But you can't go with him to college. Let him get into an easier college where he can succeed. Tell his teachers to STOP reaching out to you when he doesn't show up for his extra help. They can reach out to him or call him out for it when they see him the next day

Teach him when his schedule will be out of the norm (like staying late for extra help) to set an alarm on his phone that reminds him what he's supposed to do. And then drop that rope.

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic between my freshman son and me is all stress -- meanwhile his dad is mr. fun/coach/sports guy. I am the one who fields academic stuff, paperwork, deals with his tutor, camp or sports sign-ups, reminds him when he has 10 missing assignments in powerschool, manages his IEP (he is dyslexic/adhd). Today he forgot he was staying for extra help for math and came in bewildered on his bike. His teacher emailed me asking where he was. I lost it. I just got so frustrated and screamed at him while driving him back to school.
I try to do less and let him fail on his own but it also does result in worse grades, missed deadlines, etc. My husband says he's "happy to help" but that will take delegation and direction - he's not the default logistician and point of contact. My son then told me he associates our whole relationship with stress, that I need to care less, and that his dad makes everyhting fun and I just began crying and crying because I do so much - work hard - try to give my kids a good life nad I feel like I failed at my one job. I am 47, perimenopausal, work full time, have an elderly mother in need of assisted living, I have another kid, I am just DONE and feel taken for granted.