Anonymous wrote:You need to realize that they're in it together. After all, your dad chose her and vice versa. He's not going to go against her wishes and he may well choose not to contact you, perhaps even unconsciously, not to anger her. But he knows fully well what is going on. For a long time I thought of my mom as an instigator, and she sure is, but my dad was complicit. That's why he's apathetic -- he lets her do what she wants and agrees to it silently.

I agree as someone with parents who had a similar dynamic.
I am still not sure he fully realized anything or was just too scared of her and too cowardly altogether, but it doesn’t really matter to me.
I am painfully letting go of an illusion that he is or ever was a good man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.

New poster. As someone with an “evil” mother and an apathetic dad I can tell you several things.
- your dad is as bad as you mom, he is her accomplice. It’s better for you if he dies first, that way at least you won’t have to come to terms with realizing he is not a good man. I am going thru this now after my mother’s death
- your mom is mentally ill, stop chasing her affection, she is just not all there, she can’t give it
- she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she only wants your brother in her life

These are all hurtful realizations, so I wish you luck in processing them

You need to realize that they're in it together. After all, your dad chose her and vice versa. He's not going to go against her wishes and he may well choose not to contact you, perhaps even unconsciously, not to anger her. But he knows fully well what is going on. For a long time I thought of my mom as an instigator, and she sure is, but my dad was complicit. That's why he's apathetic -- he lets her do what she wants and agrees to it silently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.

That’s rough. I think you have to weigh the cost here. If you don’t apologize and give in to your mom, it sounds like you lose access to your dad. It’s a very unfair and painful spot to be in. I wonder if you could talk to a therapist to help you figure out what is best for you, and if that includes continuing to interact with with your mom, strategies for minimizing the damage. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Anonymous wrote:OP are you able to maintain contact with your Dad when your mother is cutting you out? How does he feel about things? Your mom sounds very difficult and destructive, but all the advice to simply have no contact isn’t practical if she controls access to your dad. So is that a factor you need to consider?

OP here - I’ve tried calling and texting my Dad but he won’t respond. I texted him letting him know he can always call me directly. I suspect she’s taken his phone or has told him not to talk to me.

He’s always been pretty apathetic but it’s so hard for me to imagine that he is on his own choosing not to contact me.