Anonymous wrote:How old are all these kids and what ages were they when all these incidents happened? Because some of this sounds horrible and some of it may be no big deal. If you are over the top about EVERYTHING, it isn’t going to help you here. Not giving a kid a bath every single day is not a big deal (if this is what you meant).

Focus on the few things that really, really matter — like water safety. The truth is that most parents have likely stepped out of the bathroom for a minute while a 2-4 year old was bathing. I’m not saying they should have, but it happens. I know I did it years ago on incredibly rare occasions for something urgent and, in my case, I kept talking to the kid or had them sing so I knew they weren’t underwater. Sounds like you can’t trust your husband to give them a bath until they are 5 years old or so.

The car safety thing, I’m really curious how old these kids were as they got out of the car by themselves. 3 or 8? Because there comes a point when kids do get out of the car by themselves.

But overall, you seem to have a benignly neglectful husband on your hands. It will likely actually get better as the kids get older — unless he becomes the parent pouting the shots for 8th graders. You need to function like a single parent on some issues to maintain safety. And see if you stick to a few issues if he can do better.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.

Anonymous wrote:PP. I think parenting has become more careful over the decades. We are more aware of safety hazards than our grandparents. It's possible the husband's family was more cavalier in their parenting so he doesn't know.

OP does not need to divorce. And does not need to do all the work herself. She needs to swap chores so she is doing the safety-oriented things.

OP, btw, Americans supposedly are among the most frequent baby bathers in the world. It's an artifact of our modern conveniences and baby product marketing. So maybe your kids don't need baths every day. Research it if you don't believe me. I read up on it because my babies hated bathtime and would get sad about being in the baby bathtub. I felt bad making them cry when I could just wipe them off during diaper changes and they never got stinky in between less-frequent baths. So don't make extra work for yourself.

Local hospitals may have first aid classes for parents. That would be a good start.

Another piece of advice. Watch your children around choking hazards. Avoid serving large ice cubes, large apple slices, hotdogs, and grapes until your kids are old enough to chew neatly and thoroughly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

If she divorces he will get 50/50 custody and then have the kids alone 50% of the time.

OP, I agree with the others that you need to parent like a single mom. Your husband is not trustworthy to be alone with your children, at all, ever. I almost never recommend being a stay at home mom but you say he cares about his career, so would this be feasible?

You are not crazy. The things you're describing are insane, from the more dangerous, the gross. Letting kids sleep in pee sheets, what the actual f***??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even get through this whole list because I am aghast and I’m a mandated reporter. How could you have let this go on this long? Why did you have 3 kids with this person?? At this point you are an enabler and complicit. I’m not a troll- I’m being straight with you here. At a certain point, you become just as guilty as he is by continuing to leave your children with him. First, document all of this as you have here. Second, get him a full psych evaluation and parenting classes. In all seriousness, if I knew who you were irl, I would have to report all of this. You need very serious intervention at this point- and I would try this before divorce because I worry there would be 50/50 custody.

Could you recommend parenting classes?We are not having anymore kids. For a long time I doubted my self because I can generally be too much the other way.(according to him…but I was convinced and I am definitely a mom that is type A in a lot of ways I guess you can say. ) but with the baby now I am seriously concerned.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to clarify he has a demanding job and has been able to perform well and receive good feedback. He has been in school for most of our relationship. But now has a good job since the past 3 years. I have already stepped down in position and intensity from my career which I really don’t want to let go(but I see the point of being a SAHM in this case). He has always been “easygoing” but I just never imagined that he would be so nonchalant with our children.

The only things I have ever seen him accomplish with care and urgency are his schoolwork and his job. he justifies his behavior on safety by believing that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that accidents happen and things will get better.

The things I mentioned are the life threatening things. In general though he refuses to accept the importance of safety hygiene and his role as a parent in these key areas for the kids. For example, he thinks it’s okay to let our son continue sleeping in his bed after he wets it. He also doesn’t wash the kids properly and puts up more of a fight about bath time than the kids do. I know he loves his kids and his family. He is with them playing reading books building things etc all the time. We are a really close family otherwise and spend most of our time together.

Any specific advice on parenting classes, safety classes or anything else I would appreciate it. For example tonight the bath thing he just thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like a crazy person here.