Anonymous wrote:CBT. Complaining begets more complaining. She’s training her brain to complain. She has to make a conscious decision to stop.

Anonymous wrote:I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how I became a complainer but somehow it really became my identity. Anxious about everything and laser focused on the slightest thing that seemed unfair. I couldn’t stop venting about everything in life.

In my 20’s, I called a good friend to talk. I said I missed her and she said, “I deliberately haven’t called you. I’m going through a tough time and I’m trying to snap out of it. When I talk to you, you can be so negative and I don’t have the energy to listen.”

Yikes! That totally changed me!
She was right. Life as an adult also made me realize everyone has problems and people aren’t invested in other people’s issues.

OP your daughter’s negativity is surrounding her. People in her dorm and classes know she’s going to bring them down so they avoid her.

This can be a phase if she chooses to change. But she is going to have to realize nobody is responsible for her happiness except for her. I tell my son who is a college first year to call me to vent and not bother his friends. They don’t want to hear it. It’s my job to be a sounding board. But it can’t be about everything. It’s not excessive so I don’t mind but I definitely reinforce that when there are no major problems in his life, he can choose happiness.

Anonymous wrote:I have had to tell my dc that I know they can handle it. The more I believe in them the more they believe in themselves. Even if I have to fake it some.

Anonymous wrote:
You raised a dumper who can’t think on her own.
Establish some boundaries. Afterall you must have things to fill your day

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.