Op - also to clarify DH is a big law partner. He does have a little more leeway with his schedule now so he makes most of kids big events but it’s still stressful.

He is worried about going in house would be still stressful but take a 50-60% pay cut. He works with in house lawyers. They are still stressed. As are government lawyers.

Anonymous wrote:People don't accidently end up in such a high paying, stressful job accidentally. Since that much money is not needed to support a family and live a comfortable life style they are driven by the stress and greed (or horrendous financial planning). No matter what they say, it is what they want.

We switched from A to B and it is better. I, the mom, was the DH in OP’s scenario and I wanted to be more hands on at home. Now I am. Yes it took conscious adjustment to how I work but I was excited to have the opportunity to adjust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op why are you asking?

Op - we go back and forth with thinking it makes sense for DH to get a different job and thinking that any different job will just be the same stress/work but lower paying. Due to the nature of his work it all pretty much is stressful.

It doesn’t make sense for me to quit my job and be a SAHM. My job is not stressful, pays pretty well and I have great health insurance and a pension.

This seems to pretty much answer the question. The only thing worse than a well paying stressful job is a less well paying stressful job.

You’ll miss the money more than you think. Choose instead to save as much as you can so DH can retire early or get some household help to make things easier at home.

People don't accidently end up in such a high paying, stressful job accidentally. Since that much money is not needed to support a family and live a comfortable life style they are driven by the stress and greed (or horrendous financial planning). No matter what they say, it is what they want.

Anonymous wrote:Op why are you asking?

Op - we go back and forth with thinking it makes sense for DH to get a different job and thinking that any different job will just be the same stress/work but lower paying. Due to the nature of his work it all pretty much is stressful.

It doesn’t make sense for me to quit my job and be a SAHM. My job is not stressful, pays pretty well and I have great health insurance and a pension.

Op why are you asking?

"Scenario D
DW keeps the job she has
DH finds a less demanding job and takes a pay cut and you both figure out how to live on a lower HHI.
You don’t get this time back with your kids. You need to prioritize family over income."

+9,000,000

The ideal would be for DH to take a less demanding job and DW to stay in her current job.

The key to a decent family life is both patents home by 6, ideally st least one by 4 to make dinner etc. But if the dinner maker also have activities drop offs its kind of a mess.

With $800k, and the DW works at home, who is unhappy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did have some telework that increased over time and after Covid. . Yes, it’s key which is why the dual fed thing sucks right now. We each had been going in 3-4 days since kids were in early elementary so we alternated and were both only gone one to two days for longer days. I went in. We did have SACC but kids didn’t go for too long on a given day. I would go in early and be home by 5, DH got home around 6:15. We were lucky to have an elementary school with an earlier start.

Oh yeah an 8am start would be a game changer. Morning SACC makes for a very long day, they just sit in cafeteria, no playground or gym or anything.

Yes, our bus came at 8, or maybe it was even a little earlier, so DH got them on the bus and then left. It was just luck - neighboring schools have much later start times. Going to SACC after school a few times a week for 90 minutes or up to 2 hrs or so was manageable. They didn’t love it but it wasn’t awful either. They sometimes got homework done, socialized a bit etc…our school also offered various afterschool activities through the pta so sometimes they had one of those on a given day of the week.

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this belongs in jobs or money. Current HHI is around $725,000 with no bonus. Last year HHI with bonus was $875,000. But there is a huge discrepancy in salaries. DH makes $575,000 (plus bonus) and DW makes $150,000. Have 3 kids. DW has a very stable, not overly demanding WFH job and manages everything for the kids, house, pets, etc. DH has a very demanding, exhausting, time consuming job that requires travel and being ON all the time.


Would you rather have the scenario above OR a scenario with DH takes a pay cut and has a less demanding job and DW finds a higher paying more demanding job? So scenario A you have one super stressed out parent and one parent who can take on the lion share of responsibilities for the kids and still provide some of the household income. OR scenario B where you have two parents who both work somewhat stressful higher paying jobs but DH would hopefully be a little less stressed and working more BUT DW would be working more and more stressed than current job.

Which would you chose?

I would downsize and prefer to have a spouse that is around with the kids and me more.

Anonymous wrote:Scenario A, I doubt he'll step up at home and then mom is stuck with a hard job and still doing everything at home.

I'd never give up a 150k wfh job. If DH is under stress, let him switch to a lower pressure job and make do with the income cut. No one needs to make three quarters of a million to survive. You can do fine on 300 or 400k HHI which is still an obscene amount.

Yep, most men would not step up and then you’ll be stuck doing everything. Ask me how I know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

The two less stressful jobs can work well though - it’s just that right now sucks if both those are Fed jobs. My DH and I raised our kids this way and it was stressful sometimes, yes, but u do think the benefit is that there is no default parent in our house. We each have household chores we split into each of our domains but the parenting was really a team effort and we had a lot of family time - dinner every night, never missed kid events, and so forth.

We are dual feds and it's just not working. Both of us actually downshifted into fed world, so we're at a loss for what we can do to get more quality of life. Work is incredibly stressful, zero flexibility around hours (can't take a kid to a Dr. and then come in an hour late, stay an hour later), zero telework. Honestly we can barely make a parent teacher conference anymore. Kids basically just exist at school or aftercare. Snow days mean that we take leave for the entire day and work just PILES up at work, meaning even more stress when we return from our annual leave.

We used to love both being present for the kids and there not being a default parents, but now that is effectively no parent at all. We miss every kid event unless they're at 6pm+. We pulled our kids from sports.

So my vote would be for a SAH parent and a parent who makes $$$. Like I said, DH and I both downshifted. One of us should have stayed working and the other just quit. It didn't seem equal to me though, but I see now that it would have been a better quality of life.

If DH is burnt out you should cut your budget and live within a lower HHI.

The job market is tough so finding any kind of job is going to be more difficult. If DW becomes bigger earner or even makes more are you sure the kid duties will be more 50/50? Maybe now you should save and invest more in case you need $ to outsource things until you get into a rhythm.

If DH wants to leave I would say ask him to stay for a couple months in order to budget and save on a lower HHI. Cut all the crazy spending and live now like you make a lot less $.

I know people who tried to cut salary and hours and most worked the same crazy hours but made less $, so take that into consideration.

Anonymous wrote:We did have some telework that increased over time and after Covid. . Yes, it’s key which is why the dual fed thing sucks right now. We each had been going in 3-4 days since kids were in early elementary so we alternated and were both only gone one to two days for longer days. I went in. We did have SACC but kids didn’t go for too long on a given day. I would go in early and be home by 5, DH got home around 6:15. We were lucky to have an elementary school with an earlier start.

Oh yeah an 8am start would be a game changer. Morning SACC makes for a very long day, they just sit in cafeteria, no playground or gym or anything.