Are there any 14 year olds who aren’t sometimes rude and recalcitrant?

It’s pretty normal and even healthy for young teens to set out to become more independent and separate from their parents. A lot of posters here have good advice about choosing your battles carefully.

You’ll get through this, and even look back and laugh a bit at times. And on the posyside, I found that my kids improved a lot when they were 15- so hold on, there’s a light at the end of the terrible teens tunnel.

You also need her screened for ARFID and anorexia. In the meantime, let her eat WHATEVER she wants. Don’t worry about healthy eating. Just get calories into her. Any calories.

Hi OP...this sounds really hard and I'm sure there are plenty of positives but you are drowning in the negative. I understand and can relate. Our daughter similarly went down similar path. She did seek therapy but therapy for her was a gripe session and refusal to work on herself. She struggled with motivation, confidence (academically, physically), keeping friends, blaming others etc. Food was a big thing and we struggled down the path of an eating disorder with a kid who refused to work with nutritionist. Its awful. Please watch the food thing..it is the priority of everything you are talking about and needs to be addressed first. Daughter had a neuropsych test and were surprised at neurodivergence (she was older). Suggested DBT. It's a struggle but you may want to look into it and a group who has a neurodivergent ASD focus. Good luck OP...turning the ship is going to be a long road that requires a partnership with you and your partner as well as your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

This. Something is going on. Depression? Autism? ADHD? ODD? Has she been screened for any mental health issues? Eating disorders?

She’s going to be evaluated and is going to therapy as well. We are exploring all avenues. But it is really hard- she is very angry about going to therapy and is refusing to talk. She also said she won’t do the evaluations, and is very angry about us going down that path. She denies she has any issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

This. Something is going on. Depression? Autism? ADHD? ODD? Has she been screened for any mental health issues? Eating disorders?

Neuropsych. And spend ten minutes a day doing what she wants, one on one (for each parent). With no mention of chores, homework, brushing hair, food, growth, anything. It helps build and maintain connection, and that’s the most powerful tool you have (cynically)

I mean — not eating, not brushing hair and teeth and refusing activities for a teen girl screams that she may have some neurodivergence or a mental health issue. I would get an evaluation before I thought this kid was lazy.

It sounds like you veered towards authoritarian parenting, which may be blinding you to a child that needs some real help. I would try to stop thinking of this as bad behavior for 6-12 months while you seek some other types of help. If they all say this kid is just fine, then you can revisit consequences.

If you want her to grow, she has to eat. If you force her to eat and she doesn't like it... guess what... she'll not eat. At 14, you should not be badgering anyone. She should have her own agenda. Where were you until now? I have a 15 yo and there's absolutely no way I'd be in her business like you are. I did what you do when she was younger, until about age 10-11, make sure she had food, sleep and activities. After that, the chickens come home to roost.

Try to establish an actual relationship with her rather than acting as her owner/handler.

If she needs to eat more, let her pick what she wants to eat. Ice cream, cookies, whatever. She needs a eval for neurodivergence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

This--this sounds like neurodivergence.

PP again - and personally chores would not be the hill I die on. She sounds overwhelmed generally and perhaps taking things off her plate will help. I never had to do any chores growing up and yet I am an exceedingly clean and responsible adult. Cleaning up after herself is another story however because that’s just courtesy in my mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick your battles. And they need to be in much greater control of their life. You sound controlling. You shouldn't be asking your 14 year old to brush their hair or finish their food. Do they enjoy their paid activities? Maybe it's time to switch. Not doing their chores or being disrespectful would result in loss of screentime in my house.

I do agree op is too controlling that’s why this is happening your kid is old enough to do their ie. Hair big whoop they won’t omg OP shut up.

Your kid is not the problem op you are

The hair is the least of my worries. But just so you know the extreme nature of the problem, she has often gone more than 2 weeks without brushing her hair. 2 years ago she finally asked to have her hair cut very short so it would be less of a hassle to keep brushed. But she still regularly has to cut out pieces of her hair because the knots and matting gets so bad and she can’t get it out on her own and won’t let me help get them out either.

OP that does sound very extreme, poor thing seems like she’s struggling (as are you of course). Have you done any neuropsychological testing? The food and hair brushing aversion sounds like it could be anxiety or autism? Dropping the activity seems like an easy one in the short term. Does she struggle to fall asleep? Would a sleep aid like a low dose of melatonin help?

OP, I fully where you’re coming from. Kids are just exasperating some days or for some months. I recommend laying back a little and maintaining communications. I feel if you push too much at this point, will lose hold of the kid. Hang out with her. Do some fun things. Maybe once she sees the pressure is off she will cooperate more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't like the food you make nor the activities you've signed her up for. She's 14, not 4 as someone else said. Let her have a say. ASK what she wants and let her do/have/prepare it her way. She's "defiant" because you're controlling. I was like that with my mom (listened to dad) because she was unbearable (she also had undiagnosed anxiety).

Op here and I have to say I’m surprised by all of the posters here saying I’m being controlling. But also willing to consider letting some of this go if that’s the case. It’s not like I want to be badgering her, but I feel like these are the things we have decided do fall on us as parents to try to get her to work on.

We are pushing the sleep and food stuff because I feel like these pediatrician is one step away from saying our daughter is failing to thrive and this may be her final year or 2 of growth. And she is still in the bottom first percentile for weight and height.

We told her she has to do just one physical activity. This is the one activity she chose. She doesn’t want to do anything else. Honestly I’m willing to cut it if you all think it’s too much, because it’s been such a battle getting her to go and frankly it’s expensive.

Where is your partner in all of this? You two need to come up with a plan and present an undivided front

We are working together. We are also all working together with a therapist to work through these and other issues.