Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1

It’s a crapshoot and highly dependent on so many things. A mean or mentally ill parent of any kind can pose challenges. I actually see a LOT of pairings where there is a super nice but somewhat passive dad who gets bullied around by an unhappy or unwell mother. This can cause trouble too.

is this also the reason a few of the women with absent dad also becomes avoidant in relationship? They like men to chase them but get cold feet whenever there is intimacy or vulnerability or conflict involved.

it could be. As a lot of people said, it could either way but trusting someone is always an issue and most importantly trusting themselves that it would work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1

It’s a crapshoot and highly dependent on so many things. A mean or mentally ill parent of any kind can pose challenges. I actually see a LOT of pairings where there is a super nice but somewhat passive dad who gets bullied around by an unhappy or unwell mother. This can cause trouble too.

is this also the reason a few of the women with absent dad also becomes avoidant in relationship? They like men to chase them but get cold feet whenever there is intimacy or vulnerability or conflict involved.

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

I can't tell you how true this is for me. I am 43F and recently broke up with my fiancé. My dad passed away when I was 2 months old so never saw him, had step-dad who was a little creepy and ended up marrying someone at the age of 17. Marriage was awful but I had two beautiful girls out of this and they are both in college. Divorced my ex-H at 41 and after several dating, met someone incredible who was smart, educated, devoted, kind and also rich and he treated me and my daughters in one of the best ways. I always felt that I was not good enough for him. He was patient and selfless but this negative feeling kept on lingering that he could find someone better than me easily then why he is with me, what am I bringing to the table, etc. This actually led to a lot of anxiety and control from my side and the relationship didn't work out. I used to micro-manage him and it didn't last long after that. We broke up and I am feeling regret which I would carry for a long time.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is eye opening. My dad was a good dad but he has a temper and is often grumpy. In turn, I married a man who has a temper and is often grumpy. The temper and grumpiness bother me and I tolerate it, although our marriage is otherwise great. I just didn’t know that there were men out that were emotionally stable - calm even during a disagreement (until I read DCUM).

That's because you were trained to think that most men are like your dad and you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to put up with a temper or verbal abuse.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had a better dad but I'm not sure it's as cut-and-dry as these posts make it seem. Because my dad sucked (abusive alcoholic, chronically unemployed and took it out on all of us) I was really content to just not mess with guys at all. I didn't date until law school and was perfectly fine walking away when I saw red (or even orange) flags. My husband is a great guy and provider (not in the millionaire sense but in the hard worker sense), and a hands-on dad. My sister, OTOH, desperately sought male attention and approval ever since we were teenagers and neded up with a series of inappropriate men, a useless (now ex-) husband, and is a single mom. People can react differently to the same stimuli.

That is great that you went to law school. Most women who grew up with alcoholic verbally abusive dads end up as strippers and never go to school. So I wonder why for what motivated you or who pushed you if your dad didn't.

Anonymous wrote:Eh. It can have the opposite effect. My dad was amazing, and I ended up dating a string of losers because I assumed all men were as good as him and would do the right thing. Took me a long time to realize most men aren’t as good as dad was and that they don’t change.

My childhood best friend had this issue (she has a great dad for sure) and she did eventually find a great person to marry although he earns a lower income. But her parents just subsidize them of course.

This thread is eye opening. My dad was a good dad but he has a temper and is often grumpy. In turn, I married a man who has a temper and is often grumpy. The temper and grumpiness bother me and I tolerate it, although our marriage is otherwise great. I just didn’t know that there were men out that were emotionally stable - calm even during a disagreement (until I read DCUM).

It's like that meme where they're like "He's such a good dad" whenever he does anything -- takes the kids to the park, packs their lunch, puts in a load of laundry.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those women who had a malignant narcissist dad (Yes, actually diagnosed) who took great pleasure in his cruelty towards us. He was also an alcoholic. He was almost completely indifferent to us except when he was being psychologically cruel and abusive. I literally do not have a single happy memory of anything as simple as him taking us out for ice cream, going for a walk with us. He used to brag about how he didn't know how old we were or when our birthdays were. He made up a mean nickname for me when I was like five and used it instead of my actual name until the day that he died. He was of course a pillar of the community and outside of the house everyone thought he was awesome.

Which is a roundabout way of saying that I could not for the life of me figure out why anyone would get married ever, and had absolutely no idea what one was supposed to look for in a prospective spouse. My bar was so low. If I could find someone who didn't call me by a mean nickname (my father's nickname for my mother was Fat. That's what he called her.), and who didn't drink until he passed out every night, then to me that seemed like an okay guy. I remember watching my girlfriends in college meet great guys and get engaged to them and feeling like I was so far behind everyone else in life. Now I watch my daughters meet and marry great guys and I realize that it was easier for them because they had a dad that took them swimming and knew how old they were. Simple things.

I think it’s tricky. I had a dad who was definitely not bad but one whom I am not close to and don’t really understand. I really tried to marry someone different and in a lot of ways my husband has a better relationship with my kids than I do with my dad. But he also works A LOT which my dad did too. It has gotten more and more over time too.

Eh. It can have the opposite effect. My dad was amazing, and I ended up dating a string of losers because I assumed all men were as good as him and would do the right thing. Took me a long time to realize most men aren’t as good as dad was and that they don’t change.

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree. I grew up with an absent father who was an abusive spouse to my mother. But I had so little interaction with him, I don't even really consider him my father. Sperm donor yes.

All I know is that my mom had me at 22 with a 30+ year old who hit her. She left him when I was young. She paid all the bills. She put herself through school. She bought us a home. She did every. single. thing. she could to give me a good life. And she did! The last thing on earth I could imagine is ending up with someone like my dad, after seeing what hell my mom went through.

I love and respect her so much <3 She loves my DH and is so happy that I ended up with someone calm, stable and kind who loves and respects me.

I think your DH won the jackpot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1

It’s a crapshoot and highly dependent on so many things. A mean or mentally ill parent of any kind can pose challenges. I actually see a LOT of pairings where there is a super nice but somewhat passive dad who gets bullied around by an unhappy or unwell mother. This can cause trouble too.

PP you replied to. Thanks. And I whole-heartedly agree with another poster who said that she was lucky to have been born with a reasonable amount of intelligence and functionality. I will add to that, emotional intelligence. Gene re-assortment is mysterious, and out of a terrible household can come perfectly decent human beings who create balanced lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

Was the thing you were born with condescension and superiority?

dp Where do you get that from pp? It is a major disadvantage when you have terrible parents!

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

I had a terrible MOM and DAD. It has affected me my whole life although my dh is the best so I got lucky there

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. However, I am doing everything I can to be the best role model for my daughter. I hope me being divorced isn't going to have a negative impact on her.

I'll take any advice I can.

I'm not dating currently and don't plan on doing so anytime soon. So I can't show her a healthy relationship.

Her mom is dating though. Hopefully, he is a good guy and if she can see a healthy relationship there I am all for it.

My daughter is extremely smart. I was worried that the divorce would affect her grade but so far she is still maintaining a 100% average in all subjects expect gym. She also loves to dance.

Ill admit I may not be the ideal dad that's caring but I am trying. We play chase and poker together and we went to NYC to watch the nutcracker.

Very few of us are ideal parents. That is not a bar you need to reach. You need to be reliable, present, and have good control over your emotions. You need to be able to provide a decent lifestyle so that all needs are met. You do n it need to be ideal.