Anonymous wrote:If you wait till college, unless they know it well in advance, you make their childhood seem like a lie and you make the home they knew vanish. My DH was the one whose parents drove up to tell him in his dorm room.
I never have pried into or learned details of what ensued but I never met his father and only met his mother three times in our 30 years of marriage before they died. He did see his mother for lunch on his own a few times and visited her in hospice.

If your husband's story is really just about the divorce and not years of prior abuse, that's really messed up, and not because of what his parents did.

If you wait till college, unless they know it well in advance, you make their childhood seem like a lie and you make the home they knew vanish. My DH was the one whose parents drove up to tell him in his dorm room.
I never have pried into or learned details of what ensued but I never met his father and only met his mother three times in our 30 years of marriage before they died. He did see his mother for lunch on his own a few times and visited her in hospice.

I know three couples who divorced the HS senior year of their youngest,which seems like an odd time. But, in all three cases, they had had it and couldn’t bear to be married a minute longer.

Anonymous wrote:Where are the stories where kids were happy that they finally divorced? They say it’s hard at any stage.

I had friends in their late 20s and then anytime in our 30s that were happy their parents divorced.

But… now that we’re late 30s, my friend has to take her parents to doctors appts when they need a second person (even eye doctors where they dilate your eyes). She had to help them recover from hip replacements since there’s no one else. It’s been rough on her having two parents like this and it takes away from her own kids. They fight at every holiday too and can’t be in the same room. She mostly spends holidays with her in-laws that have an intact family where no one argues.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's parents did when he was a freshman. It really frucked him up - he felt like his entire childhood had been a lie, and he distrusted both his parents, etc.

This was my experience. It’s not a great time to divorce. Elementary school is better imo or mid 20s.

Anonymous wrote:My separated spouse and I are actually working things out now that the kids are off to college. We had been separated for almost 10 years but never dated or saw anyone else. Just buried ourselves in work and kids.
I am pretty convinced that if we didn't separate, we would have ended up hating each other while under the same roof and then divorcing now.
There were family deaths in the past few years. That coupled with the separation - we're different now. I guess more accepting and when family seem to be dying left and right, priorities are different.

This sounds very mature. A journey worth undergoing.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is selfish boomer behavior. What are the reasons , are they legitimate like abuse or gay if not it's just arrogance and selfishness

Well, my friend’s boomer parents divorced in college because her dad was gay and had been meeting men in parking lots for years and finally got publicly exposed. So ya, that’s one reason.

and we’re approaching the time of year where she is shocked, just shocked that we don’t want her around for the holidays. Like I would expose my kids to that toxicity.

Fruit's not falling very far here, using the innocent kids as pawns for retribution

PP, what is "toxic" about obtaining a divorce? Do grandchildren only get a relationship with their grandparents if the grandparents remain married?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's hard, but the kid should be really thankful not to go through 50/50 custody BS. While they may feel untethered, at least they will have a choice of which parent to stay with, completely on their terms, instead of the misery of going back and forth while juggling HS life.

I don’t think custody matters in HS-they can still chose

It can matter immensely. My ex remarried and suddenly wanted 50/50 because his new wife wanted to eliminate CS so they could pay for fertility treatments.

Suddenly, he asked to take all of the time that he hadn’t taken in years and we had filled with activities. That’s a huge disruption for teens.

Some judges will listen to a 14-16 year old. Others will say the kid has to tough it out.

Yes kids are largely treated like assets/objects in divorce. It was heartbreaking to watch my son drop a lifelong sport (he was a top ranked athlete heading for a top college ) just because dad dudnt want to drive him to practices. But also didn’t want higher CS so he just resorted to abandoning son at the screen back home on his 50% while dating around

Divorce is selfish boomer behavior. What are the reasons , are they legitimate like abuse or gay if not it's just arrogance and selfishness

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's hard, but the kid should be really thankful not to go through 50/50 custody BS. While they may feel untethered, at least they will have a choice of which parent to stay with, completely on their terms, instead of the misery of going back and forth while juggling HS life.

I don’t think custody matters in HS-they can still chose

It can matter immensely. My ex remarried and suddenly wanted 50/50 because his new wife wanted to eliminate CS so they could pay for fertility treatments.

Suddenly, he asked to take all of the time that he hadn’t taken in years and we had filled with activities. That’s a huge disruption for teens.

Some judges will listen to a 14-16 year old. Others will say the kid has to tough it out.

Another one with a college friend whose parents sprung it on him freshman year. It’s not that kids don’t know their parents don’t get along sometimes. It’s that their world and family is made up of a lot more that “is mom or dad emotionally fulfilled”. When parents break up is cracks open the kid’s world. I know that’s hard to hear for people who need to get out of a marriage. And look if there’s abuse you have to get out.

But the people who are like “oh my kid wants to see me happy”…yeah that’s not their priority. If divorce is the least bad choice of all the bad choices, do it. But ask yourself if that’s the case.

Where are the stories where kids were happy that they finally divorced? They say it’s hard at any stage.

Anonymous wrote:Dont divorce. Just separate. Kids deserve married parents . Divorce is heartbreaking for kids. Dont be cruel

Having gone through this I don't see any benefit to staying married without some sort of solid monetary and safety arrangement that is made legal. In which case you are basically divorced.

My ex came out as gay and dated all around town including some people who appeared dangerous, spending money in places I had no control over. What possible reason should I have had to stay separated but in an open marriage? Either way there would have been problems. I think this is a dream that isnt really well thought out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it's hard, but the kid should be really thankful not to go through 50/50 custody BS. While they may feel untethered, at least they will have a choice of which parent to stay with, completely on their terms, instead of the misery of going back and forth while juggling HS life.

I don’t think custody matters in HS-they can still chose

Until they turn 18 it matters for determining child support.