How are you communicating your role to her?

You are a SAHM of older kids— it’s actually not irrational of them to conclude that your “job” is taking care of their minutiae. Not polite and not, as you put it, very high EQ, but not irrational.

You want her to put herself in your shoes— she would probably say you have had “free time” all day while she goes to school, she needs (or feels she needs) things when she gets home, and you’re “mad” she even asks.

So first of all make sure her actual and academic needs (like a spelling list) are met, use your time wisely in meal prep, and then have a super direct response to her: “Larla, crochet supplies are in the downstairs closet. I am focused on helping your brother with his homework right now, your choices are get them yourself or I will get to this tomorrow” and brook absolutely no argument.

The more you jump when she says jump the more you reinforce this.

I think, coupled with all the great advice, a helpful idea would be to set aside time with your daughter to give attention. Crochet together, play a card game, etc. So while teaching her that she cannot "bother" you, you are also available to give her undivided attention. She's not too old to be read to. She's trying to find ways to occupy herself.

Just want to say some kids make more asks than others. Mine is one of those. I willl make her wait especially if it’s something she can do herself. I will quickly be busy with something and she has to wait till I’m done or do it here. Nine times out of ten she does it herself.

For other asks like buy me this or sign me up for that I say let’s think about it. Just postpone to see if it’s a real desire or passing fad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids do this. I just keep putting it back on them over and over again. Like did you look for it?

Or I’ll say hey I’m really busy so I’m not able to help with that now, but let’s revisit it on Saturday when I have time.

Usually they’ve forgotten by then or figured it out themselves.

I am not here to be their servant.

OP here. How old are your kids? I figured by age 10, DD wouldn’t make so many unnecessary requests, but I guess not? My siblings and I were latchkey kids who never asked anything of our parents, so I don’t have a good sense of what’s normal.

I mean, my husband is 54 and is constantly asking me to do stuff he can do just fine by himself.

This is similar to my 10 year old DS and makes me SO FRUSTRATED! I get it. He has ADHD so very poor impulse control, and low situational awareness of what annoys people. Knowing this I try to give him grace and try to explain "that is something you can do yourself" or "we dont have time time for that now" without getting mad, but it is hard!

He also sometimes reacts poorly when I say this and storms off or throws a fit so that is an extra struggle (although that is getting better).

I'm glad to hear other 10 year olds are similar because I feel like he is never going to grow up and take responsibility! Someone with older kids please say it gets better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dads are 6 and 9. These types of requests would be unacceptable and they know it. They are told to figure it out themselves most of the time anyway. If they need a new item, I will get with them ant a free moment and discuss options and prices. They also spend their own $ on those and I will order and they pay me back.
No request without a "please, thank you , if you have time" gets honored. Any "I want" request gets a "wanting is great" response.

OP here. I think I’m responding the right way (e.g., do it yourself, figure it out), but the breadth of requests wears me down. How do you stay patient and not sound totally annoyed? Like I do, lol

My DD (9 years old) is like this. FWIW, I used to be a SAHM, but have been back at work for a few years. Regardless of being home or not, I consider myself a fairly connected and responsive parent, and sometimes I think this is the price of that lol. The kids rely on me to help, provide informatino, etc. But I do try to typically respond by requiring patience. Like for the crochet, I might say, "I love that you're looking to get back into crocheting, it's such a great hobby. Can you think of a few places you can look to try to find it yourself? If you can't find it, I'll make a note that we'll find it together Saturday afternoon when we're home from sports for the day." If she complains, I say something like, "I understand your frustration because you want it now, but mom has more immediate things to do for the family like getting dinner on the table and helping with homework. I know you can be patient even though it's hard." This also is my 3rd DC, and I do think she's just a bit more impatient and impulsive than your average kid (maybe birth order, maybe just personality, who knows).
This all is tiring, and it can be hard not to snap, but I do see gradual acceptance and more self-help, so I think it pays off if you don't always hop to.

There's a lot going on here...

I would ask her to problem solve (ask where something is after looking for it herself)

understand that you are busy sometimes

have a conversation about needs vs wants