Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

If people want to sit around gossiping about who I did and did not hug, thus making it a much bigger deal than it actually is, that is their business. I would never make a big deal about something like this because forcing people to touch me or other people is not important to me. Shrug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Believe me, they all talk about you once you leave after choosing who to hug and who to ostracize. It is called a "cultural norm" for a reason -- because it's seen as normal. Not participating is not normal. Deciding not to hug particular people at a gathering is really offensive and hurtful and just plain weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

Why is it so important to you that people who don't want to hug you do so anyway? Why would you want a coerced hug?

This is what I told my parents and ILs when my kids were young and they wanted to force hugs. Why do you want a forced hug? These children are getting to know you and just learning how to navigate the world. Family gatherings can be overwhelming and sometimes they just want to fist bump or wave. Do you want your grandkids to remember grandma smiling and waving goodbye to them after Thanksgiving, or do you want them to remember an uncomfortable hug that a group of adults made them participate in, or grandma frowning and upset when they shied away from a hug? No one wants the latter.

Being able to accept other people's physical boundaries is a sing of maturity and self-possession. It's not odd.

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

How is it "weak" to decline to participate in what you just acknowledge is a performative hug? You are calling people weak for refusing to give into a cultural norm that even you think lacks meaning or purpose. That makes no sense.

It takes strength to set a personal boundary with family, especially when you know it might upset them. But guess what, I choose not to hug family members when I don't feel comfortable with it and it's fine. We're still family and there has been no dramatic fallout. Turns out it doesn't matter that much!

Anonymous wrote:We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes it is your problem. Because you can't act normal. You are the oddball.

You're pretty weak if you can't muster a hug, which most realize is performative anyway. Grow up. Of course you hug everyone if everyone else is doing that.

Ew no.

We need to normalize not having physical contact with someone if you don't want to. I don't care if it "takes two seconds" and the person hasn't been abusive to me in the past. If I don't want to touch or hug someone, I'm not going to, and if they're upset about it, that's not my problem.

Yes. I hug the huggers. It takes 2 seconds. But none of them have done anything physically inappropriate - that's a different problem.

My husbands family are cultural huggers. You hug literally everyone in the room, which could be like 50 people. It's gross and I hate it. I recently decided to introduce the "irish goodbye" for a new cultural experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes because I’m an adult who can put aside my emotions for 20 seconds.

I'm also an adult and don't have to hug anyone I don't want to.

This is very childish and immature. There is no reason to create drama over a hug. You don’t need to like every family member, but don’t create drama at family gatherings over a stupid hug. If you are doing this at family gatherings, it’s very likely that you are the problem, not the other people you dislike. Anyone who acts like this at a family gathering does not have enough introspection to realize they are the one Instigating arguments and causing conflict in the family.

Hard disagree. Offering a handshake or wave if that's what you're more comfortable with is not "creating drama." But getting upset over the fact that someone has chosen to greet you in a less physical way sure sounds dramatic. Why do you care? Why is it important for people to submit to having your bodies pressed together? If the person feels uncomfortable with it, you are clearly not close anyway.

I did stop hugging my BIL some years ago and it was seriously distressing to my ILs but it was something I had to do for myself. He was inappropriate and frequently made inappropriate comments to me that made me uncomfortable. Then once he was hugging me goodbye and (despite having never done this before in several years of knowing each other) gave me a kiss on the cheek that landed uncomfortably close to my lips. It was extremely uncomfortable and I stopped hugging him after that.

I know it made people mad but sometimes you hit your limit and you need to draw a boundary.

I actually think it was a wake up call to BIL to stop being so weird and inappropriate around me, and he's actually a little better now. I still don't hug him though.

One armer

Anonymous wrote:No one outside of America hug presses your body. Get over it old smelly or creepy peeps.

So true. We hug a lot but it is also mostly a side hug and a pat on the back or handshake.

No, I do not hug everybody. If I don't like you, I don't hug. It drives DH's family crazy, they are all about appearances.