First weeks are hard, there is also so much build-up and glamorizing of college after all the efforts to get into these top schools that the reality can be a crash initially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

I am sad to hear this. The first week of any place can be a transition - is it possible it's just homesickness? 9th street has a bunch of shops and restaurants and she can easily get over to Chapel Hill for more options. Are you from a more urban area?

I think it's often like this. The first weeks can be very lonely. The kids are excited to be there but don't have familiar faces or friends.

Kids need to know that the first year will be hard. Even at your "dream" school (which isn't really a thing) you will have days where you are super lonely and you will wonder if you made a mistake. That's normal, especially in the first few months! If the feeling is pervasive and doesn't subside by the holidays, then you start thinking about Plan B.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

I am sad to hear this. The first week of any place can be a transition - is it possible it's just homesickness? 9th street has a bunch of shops and restaurants and she can easily get over to Chapel Hill for more options. Are you from a more urban area?

I think it's often like this. The first weeks can be very lonely. The kids are excited to be there but don't have familiar faces or friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

I am sad to hear this. The first week of any place can be a transition - is it possible it's just homesickness? 9th street has a bunch of shops and restaurants and she can easily get over to Chapel Hill for more options. Are you from a more urban area?

Exactly. The first week of everything sucks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

Your daughter has issues. Classes started yesterday. How bad can it be? East Campus where freshmen live is a short walk from 9th Street. 9th Street is not the most exciting place on earth but there are shops and restaurants there, and they can also easily get downtown, which has grown tremendously in recent years. If it is that important, I think freshmen can have cars so get her one and there are plenty of places within driving distance - it isn't like she is at Colby or somewhere else in the middle of nowhere.

Duke also has an incredibly robust orientation program where students do activities based on their interests to make it really easy to meet like-minded people.

Your daughter sounds like someone who was not going to be happy no matter where they went.

DP here. That is mean and unnecessarily harsh.

We’re talking about an 18 year old who is only 10 days into a massive life transition. Of course she has big feelings.

Speaking of which, it’s normal for those feelings to vacillate between positive and negative depending on the day (hour?) until they settle in, which may take weeks, months, or the whole first year.

All depends on the kid. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her.

Finally, my guess is she’s more exhausted than she realizes, which affects mood. Duke goes BIG with orientation. As do many schools. It can feel a bit overwhelming by the end. And then they roll right into FDOC.

It takes time for the true experience to settle in, but the kids don’t yet have the life experience to know that. Lots of highs, lows, and everything in between.

Go Duke!!!

There is having mild second thoughts and being in tears. Being in tears after one day of classes is being melo-dramatic and over-reacting. No one has a perfect first year of college (or four years of college). But dramatic mood swings like this are not OK.

I am hoping that this parent is using DCUM to vent and over-react a bit and is keeping a brave, calm presence for her child. One can empathize with some mild doubts but should not enable major questioning this early or it will lead to a slippery slope.

You are right - Duke goes big on orientation. It is a pretty rah-rah school, especially compared to its peers. But this is what you are signing up for. It is also hard for many people to go from being one of the biggest fish in the pond to being surrounded by all superstars and potentially having some self-doubt. I totally get it (I'm also a Duke alum). But it is also way too early to give up and to be in tears and to be making excuses (saying you don't like the city environment this early is making excuses).

Things change very rapidly in the first few weeks of college. Call me back in a month. Tell her to find some people to go to the football game with Thursday night. Go Duke!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

this feels made up. most of the new kids were off campus on orientation hikes/trips and are only now back starting classes.

Duke started classes yesterday.

Both schools are fantastic, and it sounds like she’d thrive at either one.

Personally, I’m more practical. All other things being equal, I’d go with the one more likely to accept me ED. (How amazing would it be to be dove with this insanity by mid-December?!!)

So take a good look at Naviance but recognize the data may be incomplete. (That’s the case at our public school.) Then really ask around to find out which of the two schools (a) has accepted more kids from your HS in the past five years; and (b) who are those kids, and how similar are they to your DD.

Maybe there isn’t a difference, but sometimes that will tip the scales. Sometimes a high school has a stronger “pipeline” to one college over another, which could tilt the odds a bit.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

this feels made up. most of the new kids were off campus on orientation hikes/trips and are only now back starting classes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started at Duke. Her dream school. We just spoke last night and was in tears. She is having second thoughts. Even though she has met people she feels a little isolated in the campus. They’ve already been to Durham and not impressed. She is hoping once she joins some clubs, it will get better but wishes there was a more accessible downtown area, even just a few shops and restaurants. She also got accepted to Boston college which also has a similar campus but close to Boston and although she liked BC more, went with the prestige. She is also not happy with one of her teachers since he has already made some mistakes in her calculus class. I really hope it gets better for her. She didn’t realize how important off campus would be to her.

Your daughter has issues. Classes started yesterday. How bad can it be? East Campus where freshmen live is a short walk from 9th Street. 9th Street is not the most exciting place on earth but there are shops and restaurants there, and they can also easily get downtown, which has grown tremendously in recent years. If it is that important, I think freshmen can have cars so get her one and there are plenty of places within driving distance - it isn't like she is at Colby or somewhere else in the middle of nowhere.

Duke also has an incredibly robust orientation program where students do activities based on their interests to make it really easy to meet like-minded people.

Your daughter sounds like someone who was not going to be happy no matter where they went.

DP here. That is mean and unnecessarily harsh.

We’re talking about an 18 year old who is only 10 days into a massive life transition. Of course she has big feelings.

Speaking of which, it’s normal for those feelings to vacillate between positive and negative depending on the day (hour?) until they settle in, which may take weeks, months, or the whole first year.

All depends on the kid. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her.

Finally, my guess is she’s more exhausted than she realizes, which affects mood. Duke goes BIG with orientation. As do many schools. It can feel a bit overwhelming by the end. And then they roll right into FDOC.

It takes time for the true experience to settle in, but the kids don’t yet have the life experience to know that. Lots of highs, lows, and everything in between.

Go Duke!!!