Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

I've given up on my dh. We basically coexist amicably. I work a lot with my son on scaffolding. I am leaving medication up to him. He is entering high school still getting straight As, but he may need it eventually.

Specifically wrt the lying, I explained to him that it is a symptom of impulsivity and that he needs to take a beat to respond. I also try not to phrase things in a way that causes him to lie and unfortunately I need to be more circumspect with the way I give feedback to both him and my dh. The both have rejection sensitivity dysmorphia.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. Too much work.

With a coparent like this, there will be plenty of work after divorce too. They have a 5 year old that is also starting to lie.

Divorce. Too much work.

Anonymous wrote:I am not looking for advice on path forward. I already told myself and told him that if he lies again, it's over.

The question is, in the meantime, assuming he is sincere in trying to address his issues, where to turn for help. He has an appt set up with a clinical social worker. Is that an ok starting place? Will that person be able to tell if husband needs someone more specialized?

And yes I will get therapy too, just havent gotten around to that search yet. Does insurance cover anything, or only certain things like addiction therapy?

Is this man incapable of finding his own therapist ? Asking insurance questions ?

Why do you need therapy ? Do you lie too?

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

Based on what I observe (and acknowledging I have no mental health background here), I tend to suspect undiagnosed ADHD. He said the more he feels like he needs to get something done, the more unable he is to do it, like some kind of wall goes up around the issue in his mind. And then I guess he compartmentalizes it and lies about it to avoid it and avoid questions.

We are not talking wild lies like he use to be in the backstreet boys or something, so I guess not like the nytimes article, though if someone could gift a link, I would love to read it. His lies are more avoidance lies to cover up laziness (which is where I suspect ADHD), and also exaggerations to make a point or to make something/himself seem more interesting (his words of why he started lying in college).

Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Anonymous wrote:What type of thing does he lie about? Says he made the kids dentist appointments and called the roofer type lies or “I used to be bffs w bono” and “I won the top sales award for the tristate area?” It makes a big difference as to appropriate treatment (and prognosis.)

(If it’s the latter, have you read the nyt article or from a couple of years ago about the compulsive liar?)

I know the guy from NYTimes article through my spouse’s work. OP, if it’s anything like that, get out while you can.

Likely ASPD ( sociopath)…. Most skilled liars going.

Read up, and if you agree , move on. Good luck

When did therapy the become the answer to all problems?

Agree. Look out for Flying Monkey therapists who want your $200 / session for zero progress and possibly degradation entirely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not looking for advice on path forward. I already told myself and told him that if he lies again, it's over.

The question is, in the meantime, assuming he is sincere in trying to address his issues, where to turn for help. He has an appt set up with a clinical social worker. Is that an ok starting place? Will that person be able to tell if husband needs someone more specialized?

And yes I will get therapy too, just havent gotten around to that search yet. Does insurance cover anything, or only certain things like addiction therapy?

My ex suffered from bipolar. His social worker said that he could go off of his meds. Good luck. You are in for another horrible several years until you make your kids’ first.

Therapy works on the "garbage in, garbage out" principle. Liars will lie to their therapists, and then the "answers" they get are based in BS. Useless, or even worse than useless because the harm caused from ongoing BS justified by "Well, my therapist says..." is just painful

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between the types of liars: pathological, compulsive, or just out of convenience? I don't think my husband lies on a daily basis like some compulsive liars. But he lied when he thinks it is just easier than having to deal with or explain the truth. I feel like it stems from some deep conflict avoidance, bad communication skills, and who knows what else. But over time he has become so comfortable lying.

What is the difference between a clinical psychologist and a clinical social worker? I am seeing a lot of therapist who are the latter, and it seems they deal with very similar issues as the former.

A clinical psychologist has a doctoral level degree, a clinical social worker usually has a master’s degree. The training is somewhat different. If the therapists that you’re considering are all experienced, I’d say that the critical factor would be the amount of experience and expertise the particular therapist has had with the types of concerns they’re being asked to address in treatment.

Anonymous wrote:I am not looking for advice on path forward. I already told myself and told him that if he lies again, it's over.

The question is, in the meantime, assuming he is sincere in trying to address his issues, where to turn for help. He has an appt set up with a clinical social worker. Is that an ok starting place? Will that person be able to tell if husband needs someone more specialized?

And yes I will get therapy too, just havent gotten around to that search yet. Does insurance cover anything, or only certain things like addiction therapy?

My ex suffered from bipolar. His social worker said that he could go off of his meds. Good luck. You are in for another horrible several years until you make your kids’ first.

Anonymous wrote:I am not looking for advice on path forward. I already told myself and told him that if he lies again, it's over.

The question is, in the meantime, assuming he is sincere in trying to address his issues, where to turn for help. He has an appt set up with a clinical social worker. Is that an ok starting place? Will that person be able to tell if husband needs someone more specialized?

And yes I will get therapy too, just havent gotten around to that search yet. Does insurance cover anything, or only certain things like addiction therapy?

A clinical social worker might be able to help if the issue is: "He lies when he's overwhelmed or embarrassed, but feels badly about it" and he just needs to learn better coping/honesty strategies.

If the problem is different, it's really hard to know how effective therapy can be. My ex has been in therapy for years but still gets caught lying to me, and to his kids and family, pretty consistently. In his case, he just doesn't perceive lies as lies. If there is some kernel of truth there, based on a totally non-standard understanding of truth or the English language, he does not feel that he has lied.