Anonymous wrote:"Any time I'd compliment my wife like that, I'd get some variation of "it doesn't count because you have to say it.""

There's a scene in the movie Love Actually that has always stuck with me. The cheating husband of Emma Thompson buys his mistress an expensive bauble for a Xmas gift and Emma her something like mittens. Buy your wife the gift you'd give your mistress. Treat her and speak to her like she's the woman you're wooing and who is giving you hot sex. That's the secret.

I’m wincing remembering that scene. Emma Thompson played it so well.

"Any time I'd compliment my wife like that, I'd get some variation of "it doesn't count because you have to say it.""

There's a scene in the movie Love Actually that has always stuck with me. The cheating husband of Emma Thompson buys his mistress an expensive bauble for a Xmas gift and Emma her something like mittens. Buy your wife the gift you'd give your mistress. Treat her and speak to her like she's the woman you're wooing and who is giving you hot sex. That's the secret.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most women just tolerate men.

Ok and most men only tolerate women because men want sex from them.

Suppress your lust and you’ll realize that 95% of women are boring, irritating, a waste of your time.

Oh great, Guy Who Hates Women is here. Again.

You're gross, Guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is mental. Everyone is responsible for their own arousal, state of arousal. It's the individual's fault (unless some physical impairment) if they can't achieve arousal in an emotionally healthy relationship. And yes it is a duty.

Tell me you know nothing about female sexuality without telling me you know nothing about female sexuality.

Eh, I’m a woman and I agree with a lot of what PP says about getting yourself in the right mental space.

And whose job that is.

-also a woman

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband has a lot of responsibility for how I feel about my body. He is literally the only person who sees me naked and the only person who can make explicit sexual comments about my body.
If DH wasn’t constantly telling me that he likes my body, that he wants to see me wearing xyz, and that he likes one body part or another, then all of my thoughts about my body would be from inside my own head or from my mom. And those are both terrible.

You really need to work on that voice in your head.

I’m okay, really. Terrible was probably a strong word to use. But the reality is that I’m an overweight middle aged mom. I’m not winning any beauty pageants.

It’s just that DH tells me something that he finds attractive about me pretty much every time I see him, so multiple times a day. If I’m going to the gym, he will tell me that he likes my hair in a ponytail so my neck is exposed. If I’m getting home from the gym, he will say that I look good all flushed like that. If I’m in taking the kids to the pool in my middle aged mom tankini, he will say that my butt looks good. If I go in my high waisted bikini, he will wolf whistle and ask if I need help putting sunscreen on. Like touching the torso of his wife of twenty years is super hot and somewhat forbidden.

You might say that men can’t help their wives with body image issues, but they definitely can.

You're lucky to have a husband like that; and he's lucky to have a wife who appreciates that kind of feedback.

Any time I'd compliment my wife like that, I'd get some variation of "it doesn't count because you have to say it."

Sexually active husband of 24 years here. I kinda saw and heard about the post marriage/kids sex dought. This is what I did that seemed to help:

1. Before we got married we both read and talked about the book His Needs/Her Needs. This made it clear from the beginning the things she needed to not build resentment. I remindeded myself regularly of the things I had to do to meet her needs and did my best to stay on top of them. She did the same for me. Resentment was still built up over libido mismatch (in both directions).

2. From reading these forums, other forums, romance novels etc, I got the pretty clear impression that women need to feel wanted, sexy and irresistable. I do my best with compliments and actions to bring that which is pretty easy because she’s always stayed fit.

3. Next, she’s super type A and sensitive to time. She can only see what she has to get done every day. Sex isn’t even on the list. With her, you have to recognize that there can never be spontaneous sex. There also can’t be sex in a place that’s not the bed or positions that we don’t always do. And no wasting time with foreplay. If I really need it bad, we can schedule for tomorrow at x time.

4. I stay fit and attractive. I’ve seen the women on DCUM complain about their attractions to their dh’s. It also helps that I have women flirt, open conversations with me or make outright plays with me while we’re in public. I think this is mostly because I look like this older, busted face actor who’s in everything right now. Like I look enough like him that women will creep shot me while I’m standing in a group of people talking and then ask if I’m him.

5. When we do have sex, I make sure she enjoys it and is satisfied every time. At least that way, she knows she’s not just taking one for the team (which I wouldn’t want her to do anyway).

I think all of this adds up to retaining attraction and sex - which has been a big help to our relationship. Our only kid has moved off to college now and I rarely get turned down when I ask. It still has to be scheduled but can be same day. Wine and/or gummies help. Lol.

Anyway, I think you have to work at it to keep sex in your relationship but it gets better after the child rearing years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband has a lot of responsibility for how I feel about my body. He is literally the only person who sees me naked and the only person who can make explicit sexual comments about my body.
If DH wasn’t constantly telling me that he likes my body, that he wants to see me wearing xyz, and that he likes one body part or another, then all of my thoughts about my body would be from inside my own head or from my mom. And those are both terrible.

You really need to work on that voice in your head.

I’m okay, really. Terrible was probably a strong word to use. But the reality is that I’m an overweight middle aged mom. I’m not winning any beauty pageants.

It’s just that DH tells me something that he finds attractive about me pretty much every time I see him, so multiple times a day. If I’m going to the gym, he will tell me that he likes my hair in a ponytail so my neck is exposed. If I’m getting home from the gym, he will say that I look good all flushed like that. If I’m in taking the kids to the pool in my middle aged mom tankini, he will say that my butt looks good. If I go in my high waisted bikini, he will wolf whistle and ask if I need help putting sunscreen on. Like touching the torso of his wife of twenty years is super hot and somewhat forbidden.

You might say that men can’t help their wives with body image issues, but they definitely can.

Love this.

My partner perks up if I change clothes in front of him. He doesn't make a move, just makes evident his appreciation of what he's seeing. If I'm taking a shower and he's not working or otherwise busy, he'll ask if he can wash my back. Then he washes my back, tells me I'm beautiful, and goes on his way. My ex would have gotten grabby, assuming my nakedness in the shower was an invitation. And then gotten petulant when I didn't respond the way his porno girls would have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my husband has a lot of responsibility for how I feel about my body. He is literally the only person who sees me naked and the only person who can make explicit sexual comments about my body.
If DH wasn’t constantly telling me that he likes my body, that he wants to see me wearing xyz, and that he likes one body part or another, then all of my thoughts about my body would be from inside my own head or from my mom. And those are both terrible.

You really need to work on that voice in your head.

I’m okay, really. Terrible was probably a strong word to use. But the reality is that I’m an overweight middle aged mom. I’m not winning any beauty pageants.

It’s just that DH tells me something that he finds attractive about me pretty much every time I see him, so multiple times a day. If I’m going to the gym, he will tell me that he likes my hair in a ponytail so my neck is exposed. If I’m getting home from the gym, he will say that I look good all flushed like that. If I’m in taking the kids to the pool in my middle aged mom tankini, he will say that my butt looks good. If I go in my high waisted bikini, he will wolf whistle and ask if I need help putting sunscreen on. Like touching the torso of his wife of twenty years is super hot and somewhat forbidden.

You might say that men can’t help their wives with body image issues, but they definitely can.

Anonymous wrote:I think most women just tolerate men.

Ok and most men only tolerate women because men want sex from them.

Suppress your lust and you’ll realize that 95% of women are boring, irritating, a waste of your time.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that resentment is the #1 libido killer in women. In this woman, anyway. Falling into bed exhausted from a full time job and being responsible for 90% of the childcare and housework does not lend itself to sexy funtimes.

And yes, feeling sexy-- being with a man who is interested in ME, not in my tits-- is a good thing. Foreplay is a good thing. (And no, ExH, grabbing my tits while I'm trying to make dinner is not foreplay, and was never welcome.) I joke with my partner that I like when he pets me. Like a cat. If he spends 10-15 minutes while we're watching TV, just stroking my hair, running his fingers up and down my arms, etc, I'm likely to jump him.

Yes, but you’re not bored with him to the point that you hate the stupid way he breathes. If you’re past the child raising years maybe it will never get to that point.

I feel like birth to kids moving off to college is the time span wjere most resentment is built up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is mental. Everyone is responsible for their own arousal, state of arousal. It's the individual's fault (unless some physical impairment) if they can't achieve arousal in an emotionally healthy relationship. And yes it is a duty.

Tell me you know nothing about female sexuality without telling me you know nothing about female sexuality.

Eh, I’m a woman and I agree with a lot of what PP says about getting yourself in the right mental space.

Anonymous wrote:If you’re attitude is “I don’t care how my wife feels, she needs to deal with her own insecurities and emotions so she can have sex with me on demand”, yea, dude, nobody’s going to want sex with you.

Like this attitude boggles my mind. Relationships aren’t about what you can get from the other person (sex, money, etc). It’s about caring about somebody more deeply than you care about yourself and WANTING to help them with their problems. I’ve dated insecure men and if they needed me to sit there and talk about how sexy they are to feel better, no problem, happy to do it if it makes the person I love feel good.

I’m a woman, and no relationships are not about caring about somebody more deeply than I care about myself. Unless of course you are talking about children.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is mental. Everyone is responsible for their own arousal, state of arousal. It's the individual's fault (unless some physical impairment) if they can't achieve arousal in an emotionally healthy relationship. And yes it is a duty.

Exactly! Everyone is responsible for their own arousal. So obviously it's ok if a woman isn't in the mood, because her man is responsible for his own arousal, and can deal with it himself.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is mental. Everyone is responsible for their own arousal, state of arousal. It's the individual's fault (unless some physical impairment) if they can't achieve arousal in an emotionally healthy relationship. And yes it is a duty.

I agree with everything but the last part. Nothing kills libido like a sense of obligation, and I don't want someone in my bed/body just because they think they're obligated to be.

But to the rest? Yes. Desire begins in the mind, and each individual is responsible for the vibe they bring to the space. Making sure your partner has enough time to clear the rest of their head and think sexy thoughts is where the "duty" part comes into play, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is mental. Everyone is responsible for their own arousal, state of arousal. It's the individual's fault (unless some physical impairment) if they can't achieve arousal in an emotionally healthy relationship. And yes it is a duty.

Tell me you know nothing about female sexuality without telling me you know nothing about female sexuality.