Anonymous wrote:Quality men in their 50s are married to the quality women they met in their 20s and 30sand are raising their quality children.

That is generally true. But sometimes things happen. Cancer is a big one and the loss of a partner. A stupid affair could be another one, from either party, which ends a marriage. Getting married too early and never getting over the incompatibility, but suddenly the kids are gone, and some are willing to make hard choices and move on from a marriage that isn't working for them outside the kids. But invariably, something painful has happened for a quality person to be single in their 50s. Most will focus on other things in their life - kids, work, training for a marathon, and so on - and aren't really there on the apps. Relationships are based more on serendipitous encounters rather than on an app.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are these men? Most men on OLD are not that attractive, usually don't take care of themselves, apparently never heard of botox, working out and coloring their hair - and we can tell! Don't they have some well intentioned people in their lives they can trust and who advise them to take care of themselves? What's with all the wrinkles and bellies?

I am in my 50s and I am stronger and thinner than guys at work who are 20 years younger. I am sure they'd say they "don't have time" to work out. But my observation is that a lot of guys hit 30, get married, and then let themselves go. Then this habit of being fat and weak continues into their 50s, and if they get divorced they need a while to improve their physiques, if they realize its a problem.

You described me pretty well. I worked all the time and also tried to be an involved dad. I didn't change my diet from my younger years. So I got a very big dad bod. I got more fit after divorce. I look much better in my 50s than my 40s. I dated women 35-65.

Men are being told they age like fine wine and don’t need to do anything to attract women. They are told by the “Mansphere” now that there will be always younger women after them and that new generations of younger men are “soy boys”, so women love middle aged men flabby dad bods and balding hairlines and saggy faces They think they will age like older movie stars and don’t need to look in the mirror. Reality is that middle aged and older movie star men that women find attractive get skilled plastic surgery and expand effort staying fit.

Also all of this assumes people have resources to chase attractiveness and anti-aging. Most people just live day to day grind trying to make it through the workday, traffic, meal prep and tedious household chores, than all draining parts of parenting in the modern world of screens and social media and college prep. It’s a luxury to live a life of self focus for parents.

Anonymous wrote:Where are these men? Most men on OLD are not that attractive, usually don't take care of themselves, apparently never heard of botox, working out and coloring their hair - and we can tell! Don't they have some well intentioned people in their lives they can trust and who advise them to take care of themselves? What's with all the wrinkles and bellies?

I am in my 50s and I am stronger and thinner than guys at work who are 20 years younger. I am sure they'd say they "don't have time" to work out. But my observation is that a lot of guys hit 30, get married, and then let themselves go. Then this habit of being fat and weak continues into their 50s, and if they get divorced they need a while to improve their physiques, if they realize its a problem.

Anonymous wrote:Quality men in their 50s are married to the quality women they met in their 20s and 30sand are raising their quality children.

I feel seen.

My ex and I are both in relationships but we talk 2-3 times a year, mostly about our kids but sometimes about other aspects of our lives. I want my ex to be happy and our kids appreciate our ability to communicate. We still celebrate some holidays together too. Kids are adults.

I hit send too soon --

When one spouse straight up dumps the other for their AP, engages in other types of egregious and hurtful behavior while still married, or engages in scorched earth divorce tactics, there is no reason for the victim in those situations to "get along" with the aggressor.

"I prefer people who get along with their ex. "No contact" with ex is often a red flag not a green one."

I have a child with my XH who is now 21. He's been away at school for 3 years now. We have no reason to be in touch 10+ years after our divorce, except to discuss things like whether his college tuition payment was received on time and who is buying his airplane tickets for Christmas vacation. I imagine that we'll want to help DC with a down payment for a house or paying for his wedding one day, but other than that, why would we be in contact?

My XH was divorced years before he and I married. They never had children together. It would have been very problematic to me if he had remained in touch with her. Every now and then, one of his siblings would mention having seen her back in the city where they lived before he moved to DC. But he had no reason to reach out and check in with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are these men? Most men on OLD are not that attractive, usually don't take care of themselves, apparently never heard of botox, working out and coloring their hair - and we can tell! Don't they have some well intentioned people in their lives they can trust and who advise them to take care of themselves? What's with all the wrinkles and bellies?

So no fatties?

70.7% of men in the 45-64 age group are considered overweight or obese.

Please remember this ladies when a man says he wants a fit woman.

Anonymous wrote:Quality men in their 50s are married to the quality women they met in their 20s and 30sand are raising their quality children.

Bingo!

I like the point about character but I have to admit that sexual chemistry matters. Maybe the right overweight partner would be ok, but it usually doesn't work out.

I prefer people who get along with their ex. "No contact" with ex is often a red flag not a green one.

"All quality men in their 50's are settled , married, parenting, planning of empty nesting, early retirement, taking care of aging etc.

They aren't dying hair and getting Botox to impress desperate spinsters or divorcees. Ones who are, they are dingle or divorced because they aren't good relationship material and have liabilities like alimony, children support, narcissism, health issues, debt etc."

This is ridiculous. My XH never paid alimony since I had and still have a great job. He's done with child support next year when our youngest graduates from college. I have no idea what his emotional state is now, but he still works out multiple times a week and has the same toned body he did 25 years ago when I married him.

Things like early retirement, empty nesting, and taking care of aging parents are unrelated to whether you're divorced or remained married.

What makes my man a "quality man" IMHO: He recently turned 60. Grown kids with successful careers, and no contact with his ex/their mom. He's about 6' tall with broad shoulders and arms with big muscles from his years in the military as an officer. He's got a demeanor that can calm animals and control unruly people. He's been through years of therapy, including on his own in the years after his marriage ended. He has a ton of airline points from his heavy work-travel days (international), and consults now that he's retired from the military on international issues, and he's a ton of fun to talk with about lots of different topics. Very well read, holds two master's degrees, and is into art, music, and foodie things. Loves to practice his Spanish and French that he learned through his career. Loves the outdoors, as do I. He is very at ease as my date at a dinner party hosted by a former MOC, AND he consistently treats wait staff with kindness and respect even when nobody is looking. He's involved in his church and contributes/volunteers with non-profit charities. When we first met, he invited me on a date, planned everything with my input, and paid. He "used his words" to make it clear that he was interested in developing a LTR with me, and was explicit about his hope to marry again. In almost a year, I have never once wondered where things stand between the two of us. He grooms himself well, dresses in clean and pressed up-to-date clothing that he buys from "the right" places for someone of his UMC social standing. He wears glasses that flatter his face. He accessorizes well. He loves costume parties and is a really good sport about silly things like that. He even dressed as Santa for my brother's grandchildren. He helps my elderly mom walk from the car into restaurants or stores. Best of all, he loves me for my brains, accomplishments, and professional success as well as for my looks.

He would never do Botox himself, although he doesn't have a problem knowing that I have used it. He still has a full head of hair that he jokes is "platinum blonde" and he'd never color it. He's fine with me coloring mine. He does need to lose about 30+ pounds, but his concern about that is related to his health and not his looks.

Both of us think the other was totally hot back when we were in our twenties. And thankfully, we both find one another very physically attractive now that we're well past 55. But that's because our expectations and standards have changed as our waists have expanded. I was not attracted to men who look like today's version of him back in my 30s or 40s. I'm sure he'd say the same. If you can't let go of believing that youth=attractive, you'll
likely miss out on finding a great partner in mid-life. FWIW the only men over 55 I know who use Botox or color their hair are openly gay or work as on-air talent.

Where are these men? Most men on OLD are not that attractive, usually don't take care of themselves, apparently never heard of botox, working out and coloring their hair - and we can tell! Don't they have some well intentioned people in their lives they can trust and who advise them to take care of themselves? What's with all the wrinkles and bellies?

We have the pot (this poster) calling the kettle (men her age, of which there are few left) black.

You should get off OLD and into therapy STAT. This is at least the third thread on the subject of "no quality men in their 50s" on DCUM in the past two weeks. Next time, please troll with something original.

No matter how much you spend on botox, working out, and coloring your hair, you still have a belly and wrinkles. And it is okay for a woman your age. The worst part is that your attempt to feel superior about it here makes your self-loathing even sadder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and if I were to enter the dating arena, I would want a man who was natural looking with normal wrinkles, greying or receding hair, and would expect him to have above average body fat like I do and most middle aged people I know.

So long as he engages in good hygiene and wears clean clothes, I'm just not concerned about all the vanity.

What puzzles me is that anybody could reach midlife without having grown to a point where CHARACTER is the first and foremost consideration in a partner.

As a woman I would never being able to orgasm with an overweight partner. I tried. Character won’t help me in bed

Its easy to lose weight than lose character flaws.

This. I saw a divorced friend recently and her new boyfriend was HOT. I was kind of shocked. She said she met him online a year ago and he was very overweight but he had a great personality so she started dating him. He went on a GLP and is now smoking. Good for her.