This will escalate if you don't address it. Trust me been there and in it now. My kid dug and refused a job last summer and we cut off allowance. Wanted to get a job they wanted for the summer but refused to look for anything. Offered a job and they didn't want it b/c they didn't like the others who would be working there...it was a few week drama session but finally took the job begrudgingly b/c lets face it ...they wouldn't have started looking until after school and it would have been minimal effort finding it to run out the clock.
Ask you psychiatrist to consider medication for anxiety/depression this emotional disregulation is not just ADHD

Why are Americans so obsessed about making materialism into something negative?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at “ she won’t hand over her phone”

WTF OP.

actually, lost me at "couple hundred since 8th grade." An 8th grader with several hundred dollars per month. OP created this. It's not really fair to expect DD to conform 100% to whatever behavior it is OP wants today. After years of teaching DD otherwise.

+1 this exactly.

Anonymous wrote:OP- She had a full neuropsych evaluation, so she does have inattentive ADHD. School refusal is something we've struggled with in the past, but she's been doing really good lately since we've medicated but this situation set her off and she did not go the next day, so we cut her data off and didn't let her go out with friends this past weekend. She refuses to do anything when she's upset/angry so she is in therapy working on that and her emotional regulation skills. She did act remorseful this morning though, and apologized for screaming at us. Our main dilemma is whether to keep pushing her to get a job. She's very social and isn't anxious about a job, but just has not had that kind of responsibility yet and is a little immature for her age due to her ADHD.

Sounds like a lot of excuses for the radical behavior tbh. Cut the allowance, only purchase the necessities for her, don’t focus on the job for now but on tamping down the materialism. What does refusing to go to school even look like? Does she go limp and refuse to move, like a toddler? That doesn’t track for me.

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll post. No one gives their kid a couple hundred dollars a month as an allowance starting in eighth grade. Right?

We don't, but my DD's friends from the wealthy neighborhoods certainly do!

OP- She had a full neuropsych evaluation, so she does have inattentive ADHD. School refusal is something we've struggled with in the past, but she's been doing really good lately since we've medicated but this situation set her off and she did not go the next day, so we cut her data off and didn't let her go out with friends this past weekend. She refuses to do anything when she's upset/angry so she is in therapy working on that and her emotional regulation skills. She did act remorseful this morning though, and apologized for screaming at us. Our main dilemma is whether to keep pushing her to get a job. She's very social and isn't anxious about a job, but just has not had that kind of responsibility yet and is a little immature for her age due to her ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at “ she won’t hand over her phone”

WTF OP.

+1. OP’s child has no fear of her parents this is the problem. If asked for my child’s phone and it was not given, I’d call and have the service disconnected. I’d also refuse to drive them anywhere but school and change the wifi password. I’m not saying they never argue or back talk, but they know there is a line. Mom doesn’t play and the kids know it.

Stand your ground, OP. But she has to go to school. Take away her phone altogether if she refuses to go to school or therapy.

This has to be a troll.

Anonymous wrote:Oof...you.need to take the phone away for awhile, no allowance, make her volunteer and get a job and pay you back for the missed therapy session

This. Get this in check asap

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could she refuse to go to school?!? That’s not an option.

If OP goes to the Special Needs forum, which she might not do, because it doesn't sound as if she entirely recognizes the scope of her daughter's mental heath issues, she will see that this is called school refusal and is a known symptom in several diagnosed disorders that encompass autism, ADHD and anxiety.

The problem is not materialism here. It's the teen's mental health.

So getting spoiled rotten is the kid’s mental health problem?

Anonymous wrote:

My kid started tutoring at 14, earning $15 for every lesson. She's really happy with the money she's earning, but doesn't have a lot of clients. It doesn't come near $200 a month total.

By giving your teen so much money for free, you're not really making an entry-level, minimum-wage job attractive!

I doubt she’s capable of tutoring. People who are overly materialistic don’t have time for studying. Too busy online shopping or at the mall.

Anonymous wrote:

She seems to have some anxiety, OP. This feels more serious than just general brattiness. She's probably terrified at the idea of a job.

Also, there is no universe where she gets to skip school because she's upset at you. That is also very concerning in terms of mental health and family dynamics.

I would stop the allowance and address her emotional dysregulation: what is causing such over the top reactions? Does she have anxiety and ADHD? Is there something else?

What’s the current term for “spoiled rotten “?

The kid is probably in a rich kid circle where no one ever works and parents are giving them hundreds of dollars a month for spending money ever since they were 12. I suspect the social anxiety of actually having to work in that milieu is creating a lot of stress for the kid since all her friends have it so easy. But the parents created the problem with their ridiculous indulgence. There's no walking back from that. But now that it's a problem, I'd be insistent on getting a job. And help out in any way with helping her get that job. As for at-home petulance and unpleasantness, a parent of a teenager has enormous control - because of the phone. I took my kid's phone away for a week bc a teacher mentioned they were part of some poor group behavior in a classroom. And oh my goodness, the drama. I knew then that I have all the power. The phone is your tool to change behavior. Take it and use it.

Anonymous wrote:How could she refuse to go to school?!? That’s not an option.

If OP goes to the Special Needs forum, which she might not do, because it doesn't sound as if she entirely recognizes the scope of her daughter's mental heath issues, she will see that this is called school refusal and is a known symptom in several diagnosed disorders that encompass autism, ADHD and anxiety.

The problem is not materialism here. It's the teen's mental health.