Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some of the responses in this thread directly contradict each other.

Either she is totally out of control, doesn't have the tools or knowledge to calm herself down, and needs my support to learn those tools (staying with her while of course not letting her hit).

OR

She is a sly mastermind - she can stop herself from hitting or screaming, but is taking advantage of me and I'm a bad parent letting her walk all over me. In which case I need to shut her in her room until she calms down.

Both of these cannot be true.

Based on observing her in the moment + talking to her after + reading Dr Becky, Dr Laura, Janet Lansbury, and other books about how kids' brains work, I thought it was the former. But still some people say that's wrong and the latter is true.

My brain is exploding here, ladies - what is the right answer?

There is no one size fits all for parenting. You try it all and see what works. Just because she is having a big reaction doesn’t mean it’s not working. Try something multiple times before trying something else.

Also, we aren’t all “ladies” on this forum.

????

this is a moms forum

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all the comments but I specialize in pmt. First send her to a brief ( no me than 5 min time-out) where goal is sitting quietly without attention/reinforcement. Be in view. Don't send her to her room. Praise for going and praise again when done ( I'd probably do like 2 min on a stair). Reinforce all thr times she acts calm when upset and keeps hands to self ( avoid words like thanks for not hitting, instead praise what she did do). If she doesn't go calmly or goes screaming you calmly say you have a choice sit on this chair/step quietly for 1 min or I'm going to take away x. Key thing with whatever you take away is that it doesn't extend beyond the day and can be even less- like in taking this doll for an hour and she can say I don't care!! You take it anyway and then you're done... you don't go searching for more things to extend the time of the punishment

this sounds all very MAGA

How is this MAGA? This is a very mainstream discipline technique that gets at the root of the problem, which is a child seeking attention in an inappropriate manner and teaching that child how to regulate his/her emotions in an acceptable way.

Gud help the teachers when these brats start schoo!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some of the responses in this thread directly contradict each other.

Either she is totally out of control, doesn't have the tools or knowledge to calm herself down, and needs my support to learn those tools (staying with her while of course not letting her hit).

OR

She is a sly mastermind - she can stop herself from hitting or screaming, but is taking advantage of me and I'm a bad parent letting her walk all over me. In which case I need to shut her in her room until she calms down.

Both of these cannot be true.

Based on observing her in the moment + talking to her after + reading Dr Becky, Dr Laura, Janet Lansbury, and other books about how kids' brains work, I thought it was the former. But still some people say that's wrong and the latter is true.

My brain is exploding here, ladies - what is the right answer?

OP – All you are coming across is people with different parenting styles. I have what I think is the right answer for me and my kids, and other people are chiming in with what works for them and their kids.

For me, being empathetic with firm boundaries feels right. And more importantly, it has worked to create a healthy relationship between me and my children.

Part of being a parent is sifting through a bunch of differing opinions to figure out what suits you and your family.

I’m not saying all strategies are equal. I think most experts would say that authoritative parenting is ideal versus authoritarian or just being a complete pushover. But there’s a lot of variance even in what authoritative parenting looks like.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some of the responses in this thread directly contradict each other.

Either she is totally out of control, doesn't have the tools or knowledge to calm herself down, and needs my support to learn those tools (staying with her while of course not letting her hit).

OR

She is a sly mastermind - she can stop herself from hitting or screaming, but is taking advantage of me and I'm a bad parent letting her walk all over me. In which case I need to shut her in her room until she calms down.

Both of these cannot be true.

Based on observing her in the moment + talking to her after + reading Dr Becky, Dr Laura, Janet Lansbury, and other books about how kids' brains work, I thought it was the former. But still some people say that's wrong and the latter is true.

My brain is exploding here, ladies - what is the right answer?

There is no one size fits all for parenting. You try it all and see what works. Just because she is having a big reaction doesn’t mean it’s not working. Try something multiple times before trying something else.

Also, we aren’t all “ladies” on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave.

OP. Leaving makes it worse. Sitting with her, rubbing her back, and reminding her that she's a good kid usually ends it within a few minutes. Is it really better to leave and have her scream and destroy her room?

Yes. Take things out of her room that she is “destroying”. Or let it be and clean up later.

Consequences have to be relevant. Taking away sweets for hitting isn’t relevant. Walking away is. “I don’t want to be around a girl who hits me, I’m leaving.” There is a great class on consequences from PEP

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all the comments but I specialize in pmt. First send her to a brief ( no me than 5 min time-out) where goal is sitting quietly without attention/reinforcement. Be in view. Don't send her to her room. Praise for going and praise again when done ( I'd probably do like 2 min on a stair). Reinforce all thr times she acts calm when upset and keeps hands to self ( avoid words like thanks for not hitting, instead praise what she did do). If she doesn't go calmly or goes screaming you calmly say you have a choice sit on this chair/step quietly for 1 min or I'm going to take away x. Key thing with whatever you take away is that it doesn't extend beyond the day and can be even less- like in taking this doll for an hour and she can say I don't care!! You take it anyway and then you're done... you don't go searching for more things to extend the time of the punishment

this sounds all very MAGA

Take her to be evaluated for autism. I know people blame autism or adhd for everything but the destroying her room is during a meltdown is a sign. Neurodivergence presents differently in girls than boys.

I don't think anyone has said the kid is a master mind in control of their emotions? Did i miss that? The goal of the time out is to give the child a break to work out their own feelings, similar to many of the other suggestions made.

If you have a child that responds well to a parent giving back rubs and telling them they're a good child, and that child learns to stop hitting, learns to follow directions from adults in the appropriate settings, and learns emotional regulation - that's wonderful. You have an easy kid and you found out what works.

If you have a child who responds well to holding their hands back and saying "I will not let you hit me," do that. I think many parents wish it would work for them. I did.

If your child responds well to a "time in" where you don't leave, and can help the child name their feelings and the better responses, that's great too. One of my kids responds well to a "time in," and so that's what we do.

If your child does not respond to any of these, then you end up with a parent who puts the child in the room and holds the door closed while the child calms down. You shouldn't have to do that a lot before the child starts to calm down on their own and sits in time out.

You have a child that chases you around the house hitting you. Sounds like you've already tried simply leaving and that hasn't worked. The next step is to pick another option, *be consistent,* and give it a couple months or more to see if this helps the child, before trying something different.

Haven't read all the comments but I specialize in pmt. First send her to a brief ( no me than 5 min time-out) where goal is sitting quietly without attention/reinforcement. Be in view. Don't send her to her room. Praise for going and praise again when done ( I'd probably do like 2 min on a stair). Reinforce all thr times she acts calm when upset and keeps hands to self ( avoid words like thanks for not hitting, instead praise what she did do). If she doesn't go calmly or goes screaming you calmly say you have a choice sit on this chair/step quietly for 1 min or I'm going to take away x. Key thing with whatever you take away is that it doesn't extend beyond the day and can be even less- like in taking this doll for an hour and she can say I don't care!! You take it anyway and then you're done... you don't go searching for more things to extend the time of the punishment