I have family I am very low contact with. In the earlier years, my husband was all “extend the olive branch, blah, blah, blah.” All he did was piss me off. By about year 5, he realized just how right I was to be very low contact. If he had actively sabatoged me by offering to see them more, I’m honestly not sure if we would have stayed married. But that would have meant he was allowing caregiving by drunks — which he never did.

That said, I do think you should consider if “low contact” rather than no contact works for you. Low contact could be “I don’t talk to this lady but my husband texts her and sends her pictures.” And I have asked my husband to never tell me when he does this because it stresses me out.

Think through what exactly the harm is there. Who does this really hurt? If she never actually bothers to see your kids, what game is there to the kids? Is the problem your husband is a moron and tells the kids to get all excited that Grammy is coming?

I think your husband is very wrong, but I also think he will learn his own lesson soon enough. And decide if you want to spend the energy fighting about this or divorcing over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have decided to go no contact with my mother (long story) about six months ago. My husband continues to reach out to her and invites her to my kids’ school events and tries to set up meet ups wit her behind my back. He invited her to their school musical performance this week. She of course showed up towards the end. I was not happy. Today was the last straw, I caught him calling her and asking my kids to wish her a happy Mother’s Day behind my back. I was like WTF???? She is not their mother, I am. HUGE FIGHT. Way to ruin Mother’s Day. I have a husband problem. How to deal with it? He just does not get it.

You sound difficult. Maybe stop with stupid, dramatic behaviors like going "no contact" with people. I realize it's some bizarre trend on the Tik Tok, but it's puerile and toxic behavior. Especially if you're using your children -- her grandchildren -- as pawns.

The narcissist has entered the chat.

You shouldn’t use big words you dont understand, my sweet summer child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have decided to go no contact with my mother (long story) about six months ago. My husband continues to reach out to her and invites her to my kids’ school events and tries to set up meet ups wit her behind my back. He invited her to their school musical performance this week. She of course showed up towards the end. I was not happy. Today was the last straw, I caught him calling her and asking my kids to wish her a happy Mother’s Day behind my back. I was like WTF???? She is not their mother, I am. HUGE FIGHT. Way to ruin Mother’s Day. I have a husband problem. How to deal with it? He just does not get it.

You sound difficult. Maybe stop with stupid, dramatic behaviors like going "no contact" with people. I realize it's some bizarre trend on the Tik Tok, but it's puerile and toxic behavior. Especially if you're using your children -- her grandchildren -- as pawns.

The narcissist has entered the chat.

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. He either doesn't understand or doesn't respect your decision to go no contact with your mom. You need couples counseling

+1

Anonymous wrote:DH probably misses his mom. He will get there eventually. You say mom doesn’t see the grandchildren when he offers. There you go, it’s all talk and about her. Point it out to him. He needs to learn to gray rock. It’s hard if his mom was ok.

OP—thank you. My MIL was a fabulous/amazing human being. She was just kind and amazing….My mother is a complete opposite…just trying to protect my kiddos.