Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not keeping the kids away from him. He broke whatever little bond he had with them when he abused me in front of them. We expect adults to set boundaries and yet teens they have no agency in setting their own? They don't owe him their love or their time. They owe me nothing either. They don't owe him phone calls. He doesn't call them. Trust and respect have to be earned. I set up a visitation two weeks ago. They again refused to go in his car. If it comes down to an order by the judge, the same thing will happen, not because I did not facilitate, but because the kids know inside themselves what is emotionally healthy for them. And thank you for those who said reunification therapy is not advised.

Then get his rights terminated and stop taking child support as you terminated the relationship.

Ha! He never paid for the kids when we were living together (financial abuse) and I am not asking for child support now or in the future.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not keeping the kids away from him. He broke whatever little bond he had with them when he abused me in front of them. We expect adults to set boundaries and yet teens they have no agency in setting their own? They don't owe him their love or their time. They owe me nothing either. They don't owe him phone calls. He doesn't call them. Trust and respect have to be earned. I set up a visitation two weeks ago. They again refused to go in his car. If it comes down to an order by the judge, the same thing will happen, not because I did not facilitate, but because the kids know inside themselves what is emotionally healthy for them. And thank you for those who said reunification therapy is not advised.

Then get his rights terminated and stop taking child support as you terminated the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did leave! Why don’t you think how sad it is that without having a rational conversation je just filed an eviction case in court. I was just served. No talking. How do your kids think the kids felt? Goodnight. I am done with this thread.

Don’t let this bitter man troll upset you. Some men get off on trying to tear women down. Please just ignore those posts.

And yet in every post you tear down men. I hope you don’t have sons.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not keeping the kids away from him. He broke whatever little bond he had with them when he abused me in front of them. We expect adults to set boundaries and yet teens they have no agency in setting their own? They don't owe him their love or their time. They owe me nothing either. They don't owe him phone calls. He doesn't call them. Trust and respect have to be earned. I set up a visitation two weeks ago. They again refused to go in his car. If it comes down to an order by the judge, the same thing will happen, not because I did not facilitate, but because the kids know inside themselves what is emotionally healthy for them. And thank you for those who said reunification therapy is not advised.

Sorry, OP. I just posted about a friend's kid—similar story. During his last visit, he gave a note that said, "Help" with his mom's phone number to an adult in the building. He has called the cops many times during forced visitations. He has also run away. Dad was abusive to the kid, too. There's the stuff that's hard to prove, and the stuff that's easy to prove but doesn't qualify as physical abuse, like dad shaving his head as punishment for reporting him to authorities. Forcing visitation and reunification therapy on this kid made things go from bad to horrible.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am not keeping the kids away from him. He broke whatever little bond he had with them when he abused me in front of them. We expect adults to set boundaries and yet teens they have no agency in setting their own? They don't owe him their love or their time. They owe me nothing either. They don't owe him phone calls. He doesn't call them. Trust and respect have to be earned. I set up a visitation two weeks ago. They again refused to go in his car. If it comes down to an order by the judge, the same thing will happen, not because I did not facilitate, but because the kids know inside themselves what is emotionally healthy for them. And thank you for those who said reunification therapy is not advised.

Solidarity, OP. I completely understand what you and your children are going through - it's horrendous.

Ignore the misogynist troll(s) in this thread, he/they are not worth one second of your time.

My friend is required to do this with her son. From what I've heard, it's only made things worse for her, her son, and her son's relationship with his father. In other words, he hates him more than he did before. Layers of purported abuse caused the separation over many years.

Anonymous wrote:I did leave! Why don’t you think how sad it is that without having a rational conversation je just filed an eviction case in court. I was just served. No talking. How do your kids think the kids felt? Goodnight. I am done with this thread.

Don’t let this bitter man troll upset you. Some men get off on trying to tear women down. Please just ignore those posts.

OP here.

I am not keeping the kids away from him. He broke whatever little bond he had with them when he abused me in front of them. We expect adults to set boundaries and yet teens they have no agency in setting their own? They don't owe him their love or their time. They owe me nothing either. They don't owe him phone calls. He doesn't call them. Trust and respect have to be earned. I set up a visitation two weeks ago. They again refused to go in his car. If it comes down to an order by the judge, the same thing will happen, not because I did not facilitate, but because the kids know inside themselves what is emotionally healthy for them. And thank you for those who said reunification therapy is not advised.

I would do anything I can to not have my kids end up in reunification therapy. Reunification therapy is basically the kids being gaslit by the therapist and the dad at the same time.

Reunification therapists use a lot of tolerance where the kids are forced to tolerate time and interaction at the level they can just barely handle, which is then slowly increased. They are constantly uncomfortable and being forced to override their natural (healthy) feelings.

Read the reviews of any reunification therapists - lots of them have kids come back as adults and write terrible really sad and awful reviews about exactly what the process did to them heart mind and soul.

I went through a family law experience personally. My kids endured 3 different assessing psychologists. Their dad's motivations were not relationship based. I then worked with family law lawyers and assessing psychologists years after. It's awful from both angles.

Show you're doing something. Like keep a log of what you do - I listed things like when I asked the kids if they wanted to call him and what they said. I listed random things the kids said. I listed things I supported like pictures or gifts they had. I noted how I supported and optimized conditions for supervised visits when those were happening.

You can't build a relationship between them, that's his job. It sounds like he thinks you can just make it happen, or that it's in your power. He needs to take responsibility.

My most success in court was highlighted the abusive and unhealthy patterns but also his total lack of responsibility taking or understanding that the situation he created was entirely his doing (he wanted to blame me).

Anonymous wrote:To 12:52, I understand they had a bad breakup. Divorced I am sure are never fun and it is likely there is some blame on both sides. But parents need to get over themselves for the sake of their kids. Also, castigating someone is not helpful when suggesting someone open up and ask that they consider a different approach.

What is not helpful is invalidating and minimizing someone who is and has been clearly enduring abuse from the other party. It is not simply a "bad breakup". This type of situation is still so woefully misunderstood by society as a whole and it's sad.

To 12:52, I understand they had a bad breakup. Divorced I am sure are never fun and it is likely there is some blame on both sides. But parents need to get over themselves for the sake of their kids. Also, castigating someone is not helpful when suggesting someone open up and ask that they consider a different approach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

Please go back and carefully re-read OP's responses in this thread. The sheer number of back takes in this thread is unreal. Also, the projecting in the response above is inappropriate.

Correction to typo above: *bad* takes, not back takes.

Anonymous wrote:The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

Please go back and carefully re-read OP's responses in this thread. The sheer number of back takes in this thread is unreal. Also, the projecting in the response above is inappropriate.

The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is
don’t “believe” every nasty thing the attorney writes about you in their threatening email.

For most people:
You are a good parent. Your partner once loved you. It’s painful to be rejected but you are not alone. Your kids love you. You are going through a rough patch — and very probably need to separate for a few weeks and not see each other until you can get your break up feelings under control.

For most people:
Seek new tools and support systems. People who can nurture you while your family falls apart for a short while (it’s temporary!)….And once you come to terms with the fact that your family to be put back together differently and won’t look or feel the same, then start to rebuild with a new structure. Remember that your family will survive and thrive and you will always have the other parent in your life. You can still raise your children to be optimists.

This is such good advice. I am glad my kids therapist steered us towards an amicable divorce in the heat of the anger and pain of the loss and betrayal.

Amicable divorce is unfortunately impossible when a personality-disordered high conflict abusive individual is involved.