Anonymous
04/22/2025 14:58
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
OP here: so far, I’ve helped him study for the test in his honors class which will (hopefully!) help him pull his grade up. The goal is to have a B- as a semester grade, or at least a C.
For his regular D class, he submitted some late work but the teacher didn’t grade it yet (though he said he would, it’s been a week). We got a letter for his summer school for that D. I told him he needed to prod the teacher for grading (the teacher grades notoriously late), and that it’s up to him if he wants to improve the grade, talk to his counselor, and not go to summer school or if he wants to spend 2 weeks of his summer paying for his laziness. I let it go for now.
I am not going to the counselor just yet because even if he improves the grade and it’s a C, maybe it’s best to stay under the radar with a place in summer school and get an A there to expunge the C (which is not allowed but since he is already scheduled for summer school it MIGHT fly).
For his regular D class, he submitted some late work but the teacher didn’t grade it yet (though he said he would, it’s been a week). We got a letter for his summer school for that D. I told him he needed to prod the teacher for grading (the teacher grades notoriously late), and that it’s up to him if he wants to improve the grade, talk to his counselor, and not go to summer school or if he wants to spend 2 weeks of his summer paying for his laziness. I let it go for now.
I am not going to the counselor just yet because even if he improves the grade and it’s a C, maybe it’s best to stay under the radar with a place in summer school and get an A there to expunge the C (which is not allowed but since he is already scheduled for summer school it MIGHT fly).
Anonymous
04/18/2025 16:57
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:I strongly disagree with the Self-Driven Child, despite appreciating the excellent psychological practice Dr. Stixrud has built and using the services of Prep Matters, the tutoring business founded by Ned Johnson.
I feel this book is written such that it's easily misunderstood by a lot of readers, and gives a pass to all families with untreated or mistreated mental health disorders to let their kids close doors for themselves. Sure, if the kid has an IQ of 70 and not college-bound, maybe don't push him to academic heights he's never going to reach. But the book insists way too much on letting immature teenage brains make life-changing decisions at a moment in time when those decisions will probably have huge repercussions for their future. Regret later in life doesn't make up for missing a possible pipeline to a decent college - something that for most people, procures a middle class lifestyle.
It's important to create a bond of trust and listen to one's children, to what they want out of life and what they envision for themselves; but at some point if you've observed your child and have a good sense of their potential, you as the parent also have a say, and you can push back against social anxiety, fear of failure, refusal to go the classic route, or whatever it is that may be driving your child in an alternative direction. And there are therapists and psychologists who can help you tease out your child's mental make-up and what might be behind their decisions.
I agree with this PP. OP, I think of Self Driven Child as a needed warning for grade-grubbing, helicopter, or snowplow parents: to back off. But for parents who are ignoring signs of depression or anxiety, spending money on a fast food habit, or enabling a screen addiction, etc. they need to not back off - because the problem is them. They need to connect with and encourage their kid, but also - and this is where the book falls down - set appropriate boundaries.
Look closely at the privileges you are giving. There's no need to yell at your DS if his privileges are contingent on doing his work. Just pull the privileges. Instead of getting a tutor to hand-hold your DS through schoolwork he doesn't want to do independently, think about getting an EF tutor, whose job is to help your DS get organized, and to hold him to account for building good habits.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 16:55
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:Gotta love the system we've created. Let's dump our kids into a highly distracting environment, strap em to desks all day every day and pump em full of drugs if they don't 'succeed'.
Schools have been around for hundreds of years.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 16:32
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:There is so much to unpack here.
Freshman DS.
I suspect he has ADHD which I am planning to evaluate him for so that’s more or less covered, as in I know what to do if not the steps.
He also has a C in an honors class and refuses to do anything about it. He doesn’t go to the teacher or the tutoring center (yes I told him many times). I am getting a tutor which he also didn’t want to do but will have to.
Now, His grade went from a B to a C and now even a D in a regular class in a subject that was always relatively easy for him. He got a summer school assignment for it. Also refuses to do anything about it, doesn’t talk to the teacher or counselor, just hopes that as his late assignments are graded it will get better.
Anyway, it has become a battle of wills by now. I can’t keep punishing him and engaging in screaming matches.
What should I do?!
I’ve reached out to both teachers indicating DS has trouble asking for help and asking them how I can help him on my end. Not much help from them unfortunately but at least they know I am aware.
Should I also reach out to his counselor? Just to let her know I am aware of the issue and trying? Anything else?
Any help is appreciated. Please do not berate me, I am trying. The biggest issue it seems is that the teachers won’t help him unless he asks for help, and he just won’t. He also seems to be delusional and requested to take an honors version of the class he is currently failing, and was allowed to, it seems! He refuses to change his request too.
My problem is I don’t know how much autonomy to give him in this, and how much to just force him? And also what to write to the counselor if anything.
Thank you for reading my long post.
Chillax!
Remember: C’s earn degrees.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 15:00
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:Mine is in 7th not 9th but she loses her phone for Cs and Ds. She also knows she can’t play her sport on the school team if she gets a failing grade. ( school rule)
Has ADHD so struggles but if she’s got time for her phone she’s got time to work on finding work and turning it in and studying for tests.
Does she get help with organization for her adhd? It can be tough.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 08:54
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:I strongly disagree with the Self-Driven Child, despite appreciating the excellent psychological practice Dr. Stixrud has built and using the services of Prep Matters, the tutoring business founded by Ned Johnson.
I feel this book is written such that it's easily misunderstood by a lot of readers, and gives a pass to all families with untreated or mistreated mental health disorders to let their kids close doors for themselves. Sure, if the kid has an IQ of 70 and not college-bound, maybe don't push him to academic heights he's never going to reach. But the book insists way too much on letting immature teenage brains make life-changing decisions at a moment in time when those decisions will probably have huge repercussions for their future. Regret later in life doesn't make up for missing a possible pipeline to a decent college - something that for most people, procures a middle class lifestyle.
It's important to create a bond of trust and listen to one's children, to what they want out of life and what they envision for themselves; but at some point if you've observed your child and have a good sense of their potential, you as the parent also have a say, and you can push back against social anxiety, fear of failure, refusal to go the classic route, or whatever it is that may be driving your child in an alternative direction. And there are therapists and psychologists who can help you tease out your child's mental make-up and what might be behind their decisions.
I liked the book but I can see your points. Parents could use it to justify complete non involvement. I think there's more nuance there, though.
One of my kids is like what a pp pointed out, more likely to resist ideas they didn't come up with themselves. If I tell them to do schoolwork they won't. For them, their actions basically beg for a hands off approach.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 01:21
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Mine is in 7th not 9th but she loses her phone for Cs and Ds. She also knows she can’t play her sport on the school team if she gets a failing grade. ( school rule)
Has ADHD so struggles but if she’s got time for her phone she’s got time to work on finding work and turning it in and studying for tests.
Has ADHD so struggles but if she’s got time for her phone she’s got time to work on finding work and turning it in and studying for tests.
Anonymous
04/18/2025 00:47
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Even my very motivated honor student has told me multiple times that the more I nag at her to do things, the more she wants to rebel and not do them. If you have stubborn kids, this is a thing for some of them. Your best bet might be to let go and see what happens. He may get more motivation when it’s his own idea.
Adhd does create a state of overwhelm that is hard to explain unless you have it - but generally there would be other life symptoms and issues other than school struggles
Adhd does create a state of overwhelm that is hard to explain unless you have it - but generally there would be other life symptoms and issues other than school struggles
Anonymous
04/18/2025 00:02
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
OP here, thank you everyone, I am reading and will follow up on recommendations, I am just too beat up tonight. Will come back tomorrow.
Anonymous
04/17/2025 23:59
Subject: Re:DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:What was he like in middle school? Kids need to start advocating for themselves and talking to teachers in middle school. Was he doing it then and this is new behavior?
He was very bad at it, but I was able to force/scare him into doing it. I would also email the teachers as needed and they would gently nudge him and it was usually enough. It’s as if he needed a nod, an invitation of sorts.
Anonymous
04/17/2025 23:57
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:He's probably seeking the thrill of bringing his grade up to the minimum he'll be satisfied with, at the last minute
Kind of looks like that, yes! At the last moment he does the minimum and gets a B- or a C. He doesn’t start working on hw until it’s very close to bedtime. I used to be able to make him start earlier but it’s now become a power struggle and I want him to actually be responsible for it and not just do it because mom says to.
Anonymous
04/17/2025 18:44
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it
Anonymous wrote:Drug test him.
Check for depression also
Anonymous
04/17/2025 17:42
Subject: DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it