Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.

I don’t know, a year or two ago one of my kids did something quite nasty to another kid whose mom told me. We had some serious conversations with the kid, kid felt ashamed and apologized (sincerely as far as I could tell), we continue to talk about how we treat other people, and now those two kids are friendly if not close. I appreciated being told because it meant that I could help my child improve their behavior. They’re learning and growing, they will do stupid and thoughtless things, it’s the parents’ job to help them grow up well, and is easier to do that if you have more context!

If this is true, you are a unicorn.

Most parents think they are unicorns, but aren't.

IME, these parents aren't actually nice people when it comes down to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

You wait until one of the moms asks you why you're not around and you tell her. If they don't ask, assume they know.

Eh, in a similar situation sometimes the other parents are hearing dramatically different stories about why the kids aren't friends anymore. It gets tricky when any parents believe they can see the full picture.

Thus if you do talk to other parents about what you've heard about their kid's behavior, make it clear that you don't have all the info and leave open the possibility that your kids also is not perfect

In my case (book club/sexual harassment mom), I am pretty confident my DD and the other girls have no complicity in the incidents but I still don’t feel comfortable talking to the moms about it. There isn’t an easy way to say that someone’s son has been air-humping your child in hallway lines or demanding they give them oral sex and then acting it out at the lunch table.

Ugh, that's awful. That would be worth going through the counselor IMHO. Helpful for the parents to hear that but I understand why you don't want to deliver that message

I politely say hello and try to move on. If the behavior is worrisome, I have raised it with the counselors or admin at DD's middle school. Maybe the parents are complete pieces of s$@t or maybe something is going on at home. For example, one girl was absolutely awful and it was classic relational aggression. It turned out the father had cheated on the mother and they were in the process of getting a divorce and the kid was acting out. The school intervened and got everyone in counseling as well as set up a behavioral contract for the kid. It took some time but things smoothed out and the child is in a better place emotionally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

You wait until one of the moms asks you why you're not around and you tell her. If they don't ask, assume they know.

Eh, in a similar situation sometimes the other parents are hearing dramatically different stories about why the kids aren't friends anymore. It gets tricky when any parents believe they can see the full picture.

Thus if you do talk to other parents about what you've heard about their kid's behavior, make it clear that you don't have all the info and leave open the possibility that your kids also is not perfect

In my case (book club/sexual harassment mom), I am pretty confident my DD and the other girls have no complicity in the incidents but I still don’t feel comfortable talking to the moms about it. There isn’t an easy way to say that someone’s son has been air-humping your child in hallway lines or demanding they give them oral sex and then acting it out at the lunch table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

+1

Same thing happened with a group of women I thought were friends. Turned out they were a bunch of cruel a-holes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Ah, you got your kids a bunch of labels to excuse your bad parenting. I've seen this too. Find parents who did the same. You'll have company. But don't go to the good parents whose kids are really struggling with those labels and don't mistreat others - they might ice you too. Well, actually, they might be hanging out with me.

No. You say that to make yourself feel superior. Who knows, that may be the case for some families, but not ours. I’m a seasoned educator with an excellent track record for classroom management. This type of judgement is just so hateful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

You wait until one of the moms asks you why you're not around and you tell her. If they don't ask, assume they know.

Eh, in a similar situation sometimes the other parents are hearing dramatically different stories about why the kids aren't friends anymore. It gets tricky when any parents believe they can see the full picture.

Thus if you do talk to other parents about what you've heard about their kid's behavior, make it clear that you don't have all the info and leave open the possibility that your kids also is not perfect

They may not be so nice behind closed doors.

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

You wait until one of the moms asks you why you're not around and you tell her. If they don't ask, assume they know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.

I don’t know, a year or two ago one of my kids did something quite nasty to another kid whose mom told me. We had some serious conversations with the kid, kid felt ashamed and apologized (sincerely as far as I could tell), we continue to talk about how we treat other people, and now those two kids are friendly if not close. I appreciated being told because it meant that I could help my child improve their behavior. They’re learning and growing, they will do stupid and thoughtless things, it’s the parents’ job to help them grow up well, and is easier to do that if you have more context!

You have no idea what we’ve gone through with one of our kids and what we have done. We don’t need some random parent telling us things we know. So we have basically avoided all social events in the community because we don’t need your judgement. Our other kid is a nice rule following kid so we must do something right….

Do us a favor and don’t feel the need to say hi if you don’t want to be sincere and if you just want to gossip about the struggles we have with our one teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

They are separate people from their children. You should be able have a relationship with adult women that is separate from your daughter and their children’s dynamic

I should be able to, but since there is an active sexual harassment investigation at school involving their boys vs. my DD and two other girls, I think the dynamic is going to be hard to separate…

Anonymous wrote:They might not know. Kids don't come home and say "hey Mom I bullied Jack today! What a little twerp!"

Most of these kids also bulky their parents and siblings. OR their parents bully them. Either way, the parents know or they are intentionally closing their eyes hoping the problem solves itself.

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.