Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is the SAHP. I travel 3 days a week.


Kids activities - I sign up, DH does most of the rides and transportation

Kids academic enrichment - I sign up and DH does most of the helping if stuck and responsible for helping DS keep track of homework and helping if needed

Cooking meals - DH

Packing school lunch - DH

House cleaning - DH

Dishes - DH

Taking trash out - DH

Planning vacations - me

Kids bedtimes - 1/2 DH, 1/2 me

I’ll add yard work, car maintenance is also DH

I’m a SAHM but the reverse of this is exactly our setup. I’m good at execution but my DH is much better at anticipation/planning so he is the one who signs the kids up for things and plans our vacations. He also is usually the one to take the kids back to school shopping or buy bigger shoes.

He plays board/card games with the kids at night, and later I’ll read to them. He doesn’t get a huge “break” at home but as much as possible his time is available for our kids, and I do whatever cleaning/chores are left to be done (e.g. dinner and dishes).

It’s a good set up. I would say he contributes significantly more than I do, but he seems happy and content with the way things are.

You're a SAHM and don't even contribute more than someone who works FT and makes all the money?

Correct. You seem confused.

I am not quite a SAHM but work very part time (less than 15 hours a week while kid is in school) and am the primary parent. Here is what my DH does:

- Packs lunch and does school run two days a week when he is WFH. I help kid get ready on those days so DH can work during that time (which gives him leeway to do the school run). On other days DH leaves before kid is up and I do it all solo for both morning and evening.

- Takes DC to swimming one evening a week and is in charge of everything associated with that activity -- that DC has the right gear, talking to instructors and school about progress or issues, ensuring DC showers afterwards, etc.

- Helps with homework a couple nights a week.

- Attends all performances/competitions and all parent-teacher conferences.

- Is home solo with DC a few nights a month when I go to a class, work, or meet with friends.

- Will take DC on an outing on the weekends if I have extra work (I freelance and set my own schedule but do have deadlines so this happens about once a month). Otherwise we do outings together as a family though DH and I will also give each other breaks if we need it.

I handle all sick days, arrange all childcare including summer camps, schedule and budget for all activities, book all doctors and dentist appointments and usually take DC to these (occasionally DH will do the actual appointment and he does know all DC's doctors and dentist by name and is up to date on all issues), do all clothes and shoe shopping, book almost all playdates (occasionally the dads will communicate about a dad and kid outing and they handle that), and handle the bulk of family administrative, budgeting, and logistic planning (vacations, 529, birthday parties, buying appropriate furniture like a bigger bed, etc.).

The most important thing is that DC feels supported and loved by both parents and comes to both of us with problems and trusts us both. DC definitely comes to me more at this point and I perform more of an emotional support role (and am better suited to that) but we constantly work on this and really emphasize 1:1 between DH and DC and developing strong communication and a strong bond. They have stuff they only do together that I am not involved in, they have inside jokes, they have a unique dynamic that doesn't need to be mediated or pushed by me. And that's what I think matters. I didn't have any of that with my dad as a kid and I believe it has been very detrimental to me as an adult. So this is something we've really focused on and I think we've done a good job. It was definitely something I worried about when I decided to quit my full time job, but I think it's worked out really well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is the SAHP. I travel 3 days a week.


Kids activities - I sign up, DH does most of the rides and transportation

Kids academic enrichment - I sign up and DH does most of the helping if stuck and responsible for helping DS keep track of homework and helping if needed

Cooking meals - DH

Packing school lunch - DH

House cleaning - DH

Dishes - DH

Taking trash out - DH

Planning vacations - me

Kids bedtimes - 1/2 DH, 1/2 me

I’ll add yard work, car maintenance is also DH

I’m a SAHM but the reverse of this is exactly our setup. I’m good at execution but my DH is much better at anticipation/planning so he is the one who signs the kids up for things and plans our vacations. He also is usually the one to take the kids back to school shopping or buy bigger shoes.

He plays board/card games with the kids at night, and later I’ll read to them. He doesn’t get a huge “break” at home but as much as possible his time is available for our kids, and I do whatever cleaning/chores are left to be done (e.g. dinner and dishes).

It’s a good set up. I would say he contributes significantly more than I do, but he seems happy and content with the way things are.

You're a SAHM and don't even contribute more than someone who works FT and makes all the money?

I would give a different answer if the SAHM has babies / toddlers at home all day vs kids are school age.

If kids aren't home during the day then I would expect SAHP to do everything that can be done during the day. Obviously things like driving kids to activities and bedtime can't be done during the day. Since the sahp is absolving themselves of all financial responsibility for their family and handing all responsbility for all aspects of life that require money (housing, food, activities, clothes, vacations, savings, cars etc etc) to the working person, I think they need to also take on a high level of responsibility themselves.

I would expect a working parent to come home to a clean house, errands done, meals prepared but to help out in the evenings with activities or homework or bedtime etc to stay engaged with their kids.

I also think both parents should have equal amounts of no responsbility time during the week to do as they please. So if a SAHP goes to they gym or to breakfast with friends etc during the day then the working parent should have equal amounts of time to do similar things in the evenings or on weekends.

My mom was a mostly SAHM, my Dad a doctor.

We had a firm rule that the person who made dinner didn't wash dishes. That meant Dad, sis, and I did dishes together most nights, if Dad cooked/grilled, mom, sis and I did dishes. Sister and I did them so sometimes too.

Mom and Dad split homework help depending in area. Dad helped us with math, mom with English/history.

Dad mowed the lawn, mom gardened. Dad mostly took us to weekend activities, mom did weekdays. Mom packed lunches. Mom handled all the finances/bills/did the taxes. Mom did most of the shopping.

My husband and I both work and we flow the "person who cooked doesn't do dishes" rule but we split dinner more evenly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Involved dh means he’s home for family dinner every night. He play games and does homework, he reads books at bedtime.

Splits chores after work, but most chores should be done by the sahm during work hours.

Same. Plus DH takes the lead on DS's sports and cub scouts and was a assistant coach for his little league team for a couple years.

That is not involved that is ghost wisping through the house for a moment in time daily.

Anonymous wrote:There’s another thread talking about how SAHP is great IF both parents are involved. What counts as involved? I’m a SAH. Who do you expect does:

Kids activities - signup and rides

Kids academic enrichment

Cooking meals

Packing school lunch

House cleaning

Dishes

Taking trash out

Planning vacations

Kids bath and bedtimes

I expect a H to do all these things except "house cleaning". But I also would be fine if you had someone else do your house cleaning.

Also laundry, yard work (unless you hire someone), volunteering, school trips - a few not a lot (true for SAHM's too don't go to everything FFS), financial planning, taxes, bills, college visits, coaching or at least attending games, reading to kids, helping with homework, walking the dog, taking kids to doctor, meeting with teacher, shopping for xmas/birthdays,

I'm sure i missed something.

Anonymous wrote:Involved dh means he’s home for family dinner every night. He play games and does homework, he reads books at bedtime.

Splits chores after work, but most chores should be done by the sahm during work hours.

Same. Plus DH takes the lead on DS's sports and cub scouts and was a assistant coach for his little league team for a couple years.

Depends on the age of the kids. If you have little infants and toddlers home all or most of the day, that's very different than a SAHM who has older kids in elementary school and above that mostly need help with transportation but are gone most of the day and can be left at home for an hour.

Anonymous wrote:DH is the SAHP. I travel 3 days a week.


Kids activities - I sign up, DH does most of the rides and transportation

Kids academic enrichment - I sign up and DH does most of the helping if stuck and responsible for helping DS keep track of homework and helping if needed

Cooking meals - DH

Packing school lunch - DH

House cleaning - DH

Dishes - DH

Taking trash out - DH

Planning vacations - me

Kids bedtimes - 1/2 DH, 1/2 me

I’ll add yard work, car maintenance is also DH

I’m a SAHM but the reverse of this is exactly our setup. I’m good at execution but my DH is much better at anticipation/planning so he is the one who signs the kids up for things and plans our vacations. He also is usually the one to take the kids back to school shopping or buy bigger shoes.

He plays board/card games with the kids at night, and later I’ll read to them. He doesn’t get a huge “break” at home but as much as possible his time is available for our kids, and I do whatever cleaning/chores are left to be done (e.g. dinner and dishes).

It’s a good set up. I would say he contributes significantly more than I do, but he seems happy and content with the way things are.

Anonymous wrote:I work PT - three evenings a week.

Kids activities - signup and rides: me unless I am at work, then my mother will do pickup since he's still at work at those times.

Kids academic enrichment: me

Cooking meals: me. If I am working I leave a cooked meal behind.

Packing school lunch: me

House cleaning: me

Dishes: whoever is home runs before bed

Taking trash out: me unless he notices it's overflowing

Planning vacations: 100% me. I've decided to drop the rope on this this year and see what he does.

Kids bath and bedtimes: he does if I am at work, otherwise me

Did you warn him? Doesn't seem fair to at least not provide a heads up.

Also if you're going to resent him if it doesn't work, this seems like a terrible plan.

Anonymous wrote:There’s another thread talking about how SAHP is great IF both parents are involved. What counts as involved? I’m a SAH. Who do you expect does:

Kids activities - signup and rides

Kids academic enrichment

Cooking meals

Packing school lunch

House cleaning

Dishes

Taking trash out

Planning vacations

Kids bath and bedtimes

I am a longtime SAHM. When kids were under 5 it was all hands on deck whenever DH was at home. Once the kids are school aged I do everything on that list except DH helps with evening rides, academics/homework and bedtime. I do all the rest (and am fine doing so.)

Working mom jealous of these involved dads. I work and handle 90% of this list. Womp womp.

I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. K and 2nd Grade.

Kids activities - I sign up for all the activities and populate the calendar. DH helps with driving. We try to do some activities online, if possible.

Kids academic enrichment - Me

Cooking meals - Me

Packing school lunch - Me

House cleaning - Me + I coordinate cleaners.

Dishes - Me more, but DH helps sometimes

Taking trash out - DH

Planning vacations 100% me

Kids bath and bedtimes - Me

Doctors kids visits - Me

Grocery Shopping- mostly Me

Fixing up around the house- DH

Cars maintenance - DH

Yard/Lawn - DH and he coordinates cleaning, mowing etc

I was a SAHM with a spouse working long hours.

I did all the mental load things. I planned the menu, shopped, and cooked and packed lunches. I kept track of which kids needed medical appointments and took them and filled the prescriptions, and remembered which nights the kid wore the retainer. I planned all the birthday parties and summer camps and selected and kept the schedule for extracurriculars.

I did all of the household tasks that aren't super time dependent, like laundry, and cleaning the toilets, and taking the dog to the vet.

But when DH was home and awake (DH worked shift work, including overnights), he was a 50/50 partner. If the table needed to be cleared, he was as likely as me to do it. If a kid needed a bath or to be put to bed it might be him or me. If the trash needed to go out or the dishwasher needed to be emptied during the time he was home then it might be him or me. I did all the cooking, and all the homework help, because those are my strengths, and he did the yard work that came up during those times, and the dog walking, and took the kids outside to play, so we were both doing things but not always the same thing, but it was equal.

We also prioritized sitting down to a meal together whenever possible, whether that was breakfast, lunch or dinner, going to church together, and him attending the kids sports as much as possible.