Simple as people change. Things change. YOU change.

I’m late 40s and definitely find myself being more selective about who I spend time with. I’m also pretty low key and don’t mind spending time alone- either at home or out doing things. Only you know if these friendships are worth it for you, but I think there is always room to give people grace.

I also get the feelings that many/most of my friends do not have time to socialize very much. So when we do, everyone is a little desperate to talk and share. Some people manage better than others but sometimes gatherings turn into everyone taking turns bragging or gossiping or whatever the pressing need is. It almost feels like a kind of disjointed group therapy session, where the audience puts up with listening because their turn will come soon. I am sure I am guilty as well but I really try to be self-aware.

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that you say it’s happened among different buckets of friends.

For me, mid 50’s, I’ve noticed it the most with mom friends I made due to our kids. Our kids are young adults now and I’ve realized that I have less in common with some of them when our kids aren’t factored in. I think sometimes we try to extend these friendships longer than we should.

But for my friends who have nothing to do with kids and are organic friendships, I’m still enjoying them.

I was thinking something similar, as the OP mentioned kids in the first sentence. Maybe these friends were right for a season of life that is now over. People say maintaining friendships takes work, but if it feels like too much work maybe it's time to move on.

When people age a few things usually occur. They gain wisdom, lose their filter and patience with those who are stupid.

You friends have reached that stage in life or are closer to it than you are at this point. Give it time you will fit in again soon.

I have been close friends with a group of women for 30 years in N Virginia--we met here and socialized after college and are still friends. Some married with kids, some not. Unfortunately, the slow death of one of us last year and going through that together brought us even closer, regardless of the things that drive us crazy about the other.

I’m a similar age to OP and have found that people have worse social skills lately, including my friends (and I’m sure me too). Not sure if it was covid, people spending time looking at screens instead of talking on the phone, or spending so much time with our nuclear families over the past years while raising kids. It feels harder to connect with people I consider good friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have a friend almost exactly like friend B and had to take a major step back because of the outbursts and lack of impulse control.

Another friend who is a very nice person, but has gotten worse and worse with her inability to shut up. Every social gathering that she is at is dominated by her because she just never stops talking, and telling some long-winded irrelevant story. I don't remember it being so obnoxious until the last year or so.

Hi PP, sorry you are going through the same. I don’t think it’s a DC thing - one of the friends I mentioned is several states away. It feels like some personality traits that existed before have been turned waaaay up. Like caricatures of their former selves. I could take it in small doses, but it feels bad now.

- OP

It's not a DC thing. I have a friend group from college. We've done girls trips for going on 30 years. When we were 40 we did a weeklong surf camp in Costa Rica. For 50 we talked about a week in Paris. We ended up going to one of their beach houses for a long weekend and that seemed to be enough. The woman I consider myself closest to has become sort of unbearable. I feel really bad about saying that. But one of the other women remarked on it a few years ago. The conversations are very much all about her, long, loud, and kind of braggy. She was always a little gossipy, but now it seems flat out mean.

It's really a bummer.

I have a couple friends, who like myself, do not have sisters. We knew each other's Mothers, families. So much history. We now, after all these decades, probably act more like sisters to each other. I don't think we are ever going to be without each other in our lives. However, I can't say any of us would know for sure that we would choose the other(s) for friends if we were meeting today ~ best not to dwell on that.

People change. If you had to make friends with these people all over again, you might choose not to.

Anonymous wrote:Menopause and lower estrogen causes you to have less tolerance and care for others.

You are essentially turning into a man who has no social support group.

or your friends suck, come on don't you know?

+1 100%

loss of estradiol causes personality changes

I’m 45 and am in an ebb with a lot of my old friends, and wondering how much effort to put into gently maintaining these friendships just in case/out of loyalty vs. cultivating new ones.

I think this must be normal. What’s fun and appealing at 20 is not what I want in a friendship when I’m 45 and life is more complex. I used to be drawn to really outgoing people because I used to be shy, so it’s left me with people who I wouldn’t necessarily choose as new friends if I met them now.

I’m also realizing that there is a wide gap now between my friends who drink once in a while and my friends who only leave the house or have people over for activities that involve alcohol. I can’t drink much anymore because of a health problem. My social life often reminds me of the feeling of walking into a college party 3 hours late and realizing that everyone is too drunk to catch up to and that they’re not as funny/interesting as they think they are.

I find it interesting that you say it’s happened among different buckets of friends.

For me, mid 50’s, I’ve noticed it the most with mom friends I made due to our kids. Our kids are young adults now and I’ve realized that I have less in common with some of them when our kids aren’t factored in. I think sometimes we try to extend these friendships longer than we should.

But for my friends who have nothing to do with kids and are organic friendships, I’m still enjoying them.

I am 50 with a lot of decades-old friendships and don't feel this way. I think part of the reason is I see them more regularly so can better ride ebbs and flows and everyone is just more relaxed and it's small doses? So sure sometimes there's a dinner out where it's a bit flat or Friend X talks too much but then I see everyone or some of them again relatively soon and have a better time. It's also good I think to mix up the group and settings. So dinners out, casual at home, parties, different combos of people, larger groups, one-on-ones, day time, night time. Over the course of a year, I mean.

I think it's a lot of pressure to build up to a weekend away together or a "girls night out" sometimes and then not see each other for long stretches.

Gap between expectations and reality: you were/are looking forward to post-kid era reconnecting with people your own age who you’ve known for ages and care for a lot and are surprised to discover that all of you have grown and changed (or grown more so into certain characteristics) and don’t actually get on as smoothly as you felt you would when you only had time to chat every few years. Up to you if you want to dedicate the time and energy to reacquainting yourself properly with your old friends or find new ones who are more suited to who you are now. But it’s neither your fault nor theirs.