Anonymous wrote:when we went to build our dream house, we asked each of the architects we interviewed what their divorce rate is.

anyway, we made it through 10 years since getting a contract on the property and then purchasing, zoning, architecting, building, and finally living in our dream house. still married!

but i think the process can really highlight disconnects around money and taste and just decision-making styles, and if people aren't in sync, or particularly good about communicating, or can't differentiate/articulate between wants and needs, things can go very badly.

The architects I know are divorced themselves.

when we went to build our dream house, we asked each of the architects we interviewed what their divorce rate is.

anyway, we made it through 10 years since getting a contract on the property and then purchasing, zoning, architecting, building, and finally living in our dream house. still married!

but i think the process can really highlight disconnects around money and taste and just decision-making styles, and if people aren't in sync, or particularly good about communicating, or can't differentiate/articulate between wants and needs, things can go very badly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A successful women friend built a gorgeous beach house in Delaware and some people got very jealous. They won’t visit her beautiful home because it makes them feel less than. These are mature women.

We are buying a nice home, and my sister (who lives in a nice home, smaller scale) told me it makes her feel terrible about her life. Not jealousy, just bad I guess? I was expecting her to be happy for us, but a lot of people can't process people gaining well anything.

I think this is especially true when the home is purchased mostly with funds from one spouse. The other spouse just got lucky and is along for the ride.

My husband's sister and her husband both work very demanding jobs and make good money. They live a very lavish life with their kids. But it doesn't make me feel bad because neither my husband nor I want to work that many hours or be that stressed. We are content with where we are. It's harder to take when it feels "unearned" or like they got it for "free."

Anonymous wrote:A successful women friend built a gorgeous beach house in Delaware and some people got very jealous. They won’t visit her beautiful home because it makes them feel less than. These are mature women.

Usually the story goes more like this - a successful woman friend built a gorgeous beach house in the Hamptons and some people got very jealous, but their jealousy was overridden by their desire to be invited to said gorgeous beach house. They ingratiate themselves to the successful woman friend in order to be invited over. At least this is how it goes in NY.

Anonymous wrote:A successful women friend built a gorgeous beach house in Delaware and some people got very jealous. They won’t visit her beautiful home because it makes them feel less than. These are mature women.

We are buying a nice home, and my sister (who lives in a nice home, smaller scale) told me it makes her feel terrible about her life. Not jealousy, just bad I guess? I was expecting her to be happy for us, but a lot of people can't process people gaining well anything.

Anonymous wrote:No specific stories but 3 years ago we bought a larger house in the same neighborhood instead of renovating the house we lived in.

We had several couple friends divorce in the 2 years before we moved. Not everyone we know who built a house or did a major renovation got divorced, but everyone who divorced had done a renovation or bought a new-build at the top of their budget in the 24 months before the divorce.

Yep. I posted earlier. I don't think the house is the REASON for the divorce. I think the one or both partners was unhappy, thought maybe a fancy house would make them happy, it didn't, they divorced.

Anonymous wrote:War of the Roses

Game of Thrones. Getting the Red Keep didn't work out so well for the Baratheon-Lannisters in the long run.

I don't know any real life examples, but for those who are readers, this theme is explored in a really unusual way in the novel The House Next Door by Anne Rivers Siddons. It's about a woman in a wealthy neighborhood who watches a grand new house that was just built next door, and the way the lives of each new occupant are ruined in hideous ways. Not gory, but unsettling and a really good read. Many of the characters, including the narrator, are the kind of people who would post on DCUM.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

No specific stories but 3 years ago we bought a larger house in the same neighborhood instead of renovating the house we lived in.

We had several couple friends divorce in the 2 years before we moved. Not everyone we know who built a house or did a major renovation got divorced, but everyone who divorced had done a renovation or bought a new-build at the top of their budget in the 24 months before the divorce.

DH and I were the original flippers - bought a very old, positively tiny 2 BR house as newlyweds. Had 2 babies and outgrew our house. Sold to a developer, made a significant profit that we used for a down payment/bargain on a larger, newer (but still old!) fixer upper. We’re still here almost 25 years later.

Immediately, MIL set about with suggestions; we should expand this room, remove this wall, renovate/replace/improve X, Y, Z. Even family gatherings she’d rattle off her new ideas for us.

All rooted in jealously, criticism and general mean-spiritedness. Never a compliment, never the thought that maybe we couldn’t afford to fill our house with all-new furniture not the idea that we had other priorities and certainly never an offer to pay for these things she deemed so important and essential.

We are just now getting around to major renovations but I still consider this our daydream house. Has its flaws and failings with aging (don’t we all) but it’s been a comfortable if not kind of sparse place to raise a family. We plan to do some renovations that we can enjoy for a few years and then sell.

Anonymous wrote:War of the Roses

Ha! 🥲

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes friends who are in a similar circumstance, commiserate. "I would never want to live outside the Beltway." "I would never want to send my child to -whatever- school." They commiserate about all kinds of things and are insync. When one person breaks the bond, it will be ok, if they were to say, "hey, as crazy as this sounds ...this is what we're going to do." What's not ok is if they don't own-up to it. If they ignore the disconnect and pretend they never had the previous discussions.

DP. Good point. Also, if you never let on that you were living below your means and commisserated with them about not being able to afford this or that, expect them to think you were a hypocrite and thus not want to share their financial struggles with you going forward.

Sometimes friends who are in a similar circumstance, commiserate. "I would never want to live outside the Beltway." "I would never want to send my child to -whatever- school." They commiserate about all kinds of things and are insync. When one person breaks the bond, it will be ok, if they were to say, "hey, as crazy as this sounds ...this is what we're going to do." What's not ok is if they don't own-up to it. If they ignore the disconnect and pretend they never had the previous discussions.

I think it depends on your family and social circle. If you have the nicest, biggest house then you will get comments and some people will feel that you would not want to be in their more modest home. That may result in less invitations to their home and the expectation that you will do most of the hosting, especially of family events. My BIL took pics of our house to show his family. I thought it was rude because I knew his family, although wealthy, did not believe in conspicious consumption and would make fun of us. Then there are those, from family/friends and landscapers to amateur interior decorators, who will critique everything you do inside and outside your house and suggest x and y improvements. The outlay can be endless unless you keep strictly to a budget. Will it change you? Probably not except perhaps make you more worried about money and keeping up with other people with similar homes.