I just wanted to add that this is not about blended families.

I have twins. One is very smart, GT track for classes (twin B). The other twin (twin A) is more athletic and artistic and is a smart regular track student. Twin A spent their younger years trying to compete with twin B academically, and took umbrage when he was not selected for GT tracking classes, when twin was. But as we traversed elementary and now middle school, twin A has achieved a bit more musically and artistically. They both excelled at scouting in different ways.

The point is that this has nothing to do with blending families. Bio families still can and do struggle with children of different capabilities. For us, the solution has been to look for areas where the less academically gifted child has talent and skills and try to find ways for them the achieve outside of academics. We got them more active in scouting in large part because they both excelled there and were drawn to different areas where they both achieved. It actually created a bit more bonding because they complemented each other skill-wise and made them value their diversity. We found art competitions and music/band because twin A achieved there. So, while twin B has academic achievements, we found interests and skills that A had and we urged him to participate in those activities where he shone.

It's a bit late, but you need to help your step-son work to find areas where he can excel. And they don't have to be school related. If he likes video games, does he like Youtubing? If he is shy on camera, look into Toastmasters or speech/debate or theater where he can get skills that will help him be better at public speaking or presentation and then he might be interested in on-line gaming/webcasting. That's a big thing now. Twin A loves videogaming and has been actively gearing himself up toward being able to Youtube whenever I'll let him get an account (I've told him we have to wait another couple of years before he can be a Youtuber, but he narrates all his game play now and focuses on how to present for recording).

The key is not to make the disparities the elephant in the room, and not to focus on what your step-son doesn't do or isn't as good at, but to turn it around and look for areas where he has talents or interests and just highlight them for him. Give him the opportunities to do things he likes and is good at without worrying about what his step-brother is already good at and he is not.

There is virtually no such thing as a "blended" family, which assumes that everything is homogenized and smooth, so that term is very misleading. It rarely happens in bio families, either.

That elusive family standard is something we need to drop.

OP, don't make "blending" your goal. Recognize that your SS is an individual with a different childhood background, likes/dislikes, and skills and abilities. Don't look at his differences from your son like they are somehow lacking - they are just different.

More like a stew than blended - obviously different ingredients all in one pot. Don't try and make a carrot a potato.

I think your DH is the one who should be taking the lead on his son. Does he make a concerted effort to go out and spend time alone with him? If not, he should. IMO the best thing is to get him out of his room and away from video games. He may balk but your DH should be insistent and find something outside the house the two of them can do together.

Op is bragging. This is why blended families are tough.

Anonymous wrote:Blended family with two high school aged boys. My bio kid runs circles around his older step brother in terms of maturity, achievement and drive. Blended family or not, I grew up an only child and I'm worried about how this will effect them both.

It's becoming very blatant that they're on two different paths and I'm not sure how to navigate this divide, especially while making sure both of them have the supports they need.

It's not just that my bio kid is significantly ahead, but that older step brother is significantly behind.

Dinner conversations are a little uncomfortable given the divide sometimes and I'm looking for perspective and suggestions on how to minimize this.

Affect them both, OP. Not effect.

Anonymous wrote:You get the struggling child the help they need or help them. How is this even a question?

Because OP is humble-bragging, that’s why.

You get the struggling child the help they need or help them. How is this even a question?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

Non-academic kids don't care about other people's academic award ceremonies. And kids who like gaming enjoy long stretches of time at home. If you nonchalantly say that you're taking Younger to an evening thing at school and Older can go if he wants or stay home, I'm pretty sure Older won't mind a bit.

Thank you for this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

OP stop playing dumb. You take your aon to the award ceremony by yourself and don’t talk about it.

I'm not playing dumb. Step-dad wants to be there to celebrate. He's stepped in and stepped up in ways you wouldn't imagine. It's important to my kiddo that he's there since bio dad isn't involved.

Regardless of who ends up attending these events, our oldest isn't oblivious to them occurring.

Fine, but does stepson care? Is it possible you're the one who sees the difference as failure but stepson is content? After all, he doesn't have to prove his worth and compensate for an absent father like bio son.

I'm OP. I'm not sure if he cares. He's very very quiet. We are starting him in therapy to find out what he keeps in his head. Even when we are direct, he is a people pleaser and gives a middle of the road answer. He's very hard to pin down.

And I agree, not having to overcompensate has a huge effect on mindset and self-esteem. He's much more confident in that regard.

Is his mother in his life?

No, not really. She remarried and started a new family and he has a half-sibling 10 years younger than him who gets all the attention. I'm absolutely hypervigilent of this and that's why I care so much.

And where is his father in all of this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

Non-academic kids don't care about other people's academic award ceremonies. And kids who like gaming enjoy long stretches of time at home. If you nonchalantly say that you're taking Younger to an evening thing at school and Older can go if he wants or stay home, I'm pretty sure Older won't mind a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

OP stop playing dumb. You take your aon to the award ceremony by yourself and don’t talk about it.

I'm not playing dumb. Step-dad wants to be there to celebrate. He's stepped in and stepped up in ways you wouldn't imagine. It's important to my kiddo that he's there since bio dad isn't involved.

Regardless of who ends up attending these events, our oldest isn't oblivious to them occurring.

again stop playing dumb. if you actually care, you tone down all of the stuff around the younger kid, and find ways to boost and spend time with the older kid. not saying to keep anything a secret, but frankly, you don’t need to say anything at all about your kid’s 4th honor roll ceremony of the year or whatever.

My kid is behind (in some ways) his cousins and while I don’t mind hearing about what they’re doing, at a certain point, everyone needs to stfu about how wonderful their kid is.

So OP should not celebrate their child and take pitty on others? How is this balanced?

Should your family walk on egg shells around you because you failed your child?

oh f off.

It’s not that deep. It’s likely your non-bio child will be just as happy or even happier than your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

OP stop playing dumb. You take your aon to the award ceremony by yourself and don’t talk about it.

I'm not playing dumb. Step-dad wants to be there to celebrate. He's stepped in and stepped up in ways you wouldn't imagine. It's important to my kiddo that he's there since bio dad isn't involved.

Regardless of who ends up attending these events, our oldest isn't oblivious to them occurring.

Fine, but does stepson care? Is it possible you're the one who sees the difference as failure but stepson is content? After all, he doesn't have to prove his worth and compensate for an absent father like bio son.

I'm OP. I'm not sure if he cares. He's very very quiet. We are starting him in therapy to find out what he keeps in his head. Even when we are direct, he is a people pleaser and gives a middle of the road answer. He's very hard to pin down.

And I agree, not having to overcompensate has a huge effect on mindset and self-esteem. He's much more confident in that regard.

Is his mother in his life?

No, not really. She remarried and started a new family and he has a half-sibling 10 years younger than him who gets all the attention. I'm absolutely hypervigilent of this and that's why I care so much.

We are starting him in therapy to find out what he keeps in his head.

That’s…not a healthy way to put it.

So basically he's been forced to live with you and your kid, and now you're trying to fix him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have inattentive ADHD, learning disorders like dyslexia, or autism? He should get evaluated if there's even the mere whisp of a concern, OP.

My two bio kids are 5 years apart, and my oldest was born with special needs: ADHD/ASD/low processing speed, and other issues. We always knew the youngest would catch up with him at some point, and she did.

However they're both closely bonded, because the oldest isn't prideful, and the youngest doesn't gloat. They actually support each other nicely. I would tell your kid to mind how he comes across.

The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to raise them to do their best effort.... regardless of what that effort achieved.

Yes, we are getting him assessed. There isn't a lot in common in terms of interest. The older of the two is a late bloomer and still finding his footing- not any interests or passions outside of video games.

It's not just about dinner conversations. It's about award ceremonies and ECs, time commitments etc. End of year awards ceremonies are coming up and we already have 3 commitments in May for my bio kiddo and none for our oldest. The presence is undeniable and obvious.

How can I balance situations like this?

OP stop playing dumb. You take your aon to the award ceremony by yourself and don’t talk about it.

I'm not playing dumb. Step-dad wants to be there to celebrate. He's stepped in and stepped up in ways you wouldn't imagine. It's important to my kiddo that he's there since bio dad isn't involved.

Regardless of who ends up attending these events, our oldest isn't oblivious to them occurring.

Fine, but does stepson care? Is it possible you're the one who sees the difference as failure but stepson is content? After all, he doesn't have to prove his worth and compensate for an absent father like bio son.

I'm OP. I'm not sure if he cares. He's very very quiet. We are starting him in therapy to find out what he keeps in his head. Even when we are direct, he is a people pleaser and gives a middle of the road answer. He's very hard to pin down.

And I agree, not having to overcompensate has a huge effect on mindset and self-esteem. He's much more confident in that regard.

Is his mother in his life?