Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:09     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.



Op here. I am not an anxious person at all. If we have plans for 2-3 hours and you cancel after our meeting time, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with people who are 1-2 HOURS late.

I have a group of friends who are even more punctual than I am. I actually like hanging out with them because they are extremely reliable. They plans moms night out or trips and good planners. It is nice to know that if we pick a date to have dinner, I know they will be there and on time. Over the years, other friends drift apart. I won’t initiate with a person who cancels often. I’m not talking once in a while but if you cancel or postpone all the time, I’m not keeping a time slot for you. I will still invite them a party we are having or if they invite us to a gathering.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 09:03     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go


I don’t think OP is considering one-off or even two-off emergencies as habitual lateness. And you can tell bc a normally-punctual person would text on the way with an apology, and then begin the encounter with a frazzled explanation of how the dog had an accident just as they were leaving…

OP is talking about someone who is consistently 10-20 minutes late with no explanation, or who *always* texts five minutes before (or at time of) agreed-upon meeting to say “traffic, there in 10” or “running late for our 4:00, but I’ll be there by 4:15”….once or twice is not a pattern. But I have one friends and two work associates who do this so frequently that I am now reasonably confident that a 1:00 meetup will be 1:30…and I plan accordingly or don’t make plans with them at all if a late start won’t fit my schedule that day


OP here. I am totally fine with 10-15 min late. There is traffic. Kid has to use restroom. That is acceptable.

I’m talking about people who cancel AFTER the meeting time and then my kid is disappointed. Or we know this one mom who will pick a date and no time and no location and just expects us to be free the entire day. Then she finally agrees to a time and then tries to change it a few hours later. Or she will throw out a date and time and never confirm. If my kid didn’t like hers so much, I would not even bother.

I have 3 kids. I don’t have to deal with my older kids’ parents anymore since everything is drop off. My oldest has a friend whose parents are divorced and not good communicators. The kid is wonderful and we just pick him up and drive him. I have been driving and paying for this kid for years.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 08:46     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 08:45     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go


I don’t think OP is considering one-off or even two-off emergencies as habitual lateness. And you can tell bc a normally-punctual person would text on the way with an apology, and then begin the encounter with a frazzled explanation of how the dog had an accident just as they were leaving…

OP is talking about someone who is consistently 10-20 minutes late with no explanation, or who *always* texts five minutes before (or at time of) agreed-upon meeting to say “traffic, there in 10” or “running late for our 4:00, but I’ll be there by 4:15”….once or twice is not a pattern. But I have one friends and two work associates who do this so frequently that I am now reasonably confident that a 1:00 meetup will be 1:30…and I plan accordingly or don’t make plans with them at all if a late start won’t fit my schedule that day
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 08:42     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go


Flakiness is a repetitive behavior.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 08:39     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Controversial opinion—
Punctual People do not like lateness, but they will tolerate lateness from someone who brings added value or status.
In other words, if the friendship or connection is more valuable to the punctual person than it is to the tardy person, then punctual person will let it slide, even though it irks her/him.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 08:34     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2024 07:08     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is kind of a funny thread because I am somewhat flaky (working on it) and I have difficulty having friendships with people who are anxious. It boggles my mind how many parents talk about their own anxiety and have kids who also have anxiety. It is also very stressful (for me) to be around them (eg wanting to finalize RSVPs over a month before a birthday; wanting things to be perfect / taking on too much / have difficulty being straightforward) but I’m sure it’s equally tough for the to be friends with me!


OP here. Time is valuable and precious. Wasting someone else’s time is disrespectful and rude. We would not be friends.

I am not an anxious person at all. I do throw well attended parties. I’m throwing a party this weekend and also another party next weekend. I don’t care so much if people are coming and going to our parties since there will be a lot of people.

My friends are not flaky. I have to deal with wishy washy, flaky and unpunctual parents. That is what drives me crazy. I’m always thinking I wish I didn’t have to associate with this person but I’m stuck with her because Mary is in the same class as DD and they want to hang out.


I am not flaky or late, but you sound like a really uptight and judgmental person. Try to understand that not everyone is exactly like you.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 21:46     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:Growing up my best friend had the flakiest mom. It drove my parents nuts, like we would call to ask why she wasn’t over at the scheduled time and the mom would say “oh we’re just getting up and going!” Like it was no big deal to be an hour late. We would kind of laugh it off.

But I LOVED going to their house. The mom was so fun, she would sing broadway songs and dance and come up with all these random amazing things for us to do. She was kind of crazy but in a really really fun way. It was also why she never had her sh*t together. But as a kid it was all part of seeing and understanding that there are many ways to be and people have different strengths and weaknesses!


Love that your lesson learned was not that one was bad vs good, but that there are different ways to be and different experiences associated with each.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 21:45     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is kind of a funny thread because I am somewhat flaky (working on it) and I have difficulty having friendships with people who are anxious. It boggles my mind how many parents talk about their own anxiety and have kids who also have anxiety. It is also very stressful (for me) to be around them (eg wanting to finalize RSVPs over a month before a birthday; wanting things to be perfect / taking on too much / have difficulty being straightforward) but I’m sure it’s equally tough for the to be friends with me!


OP here. Time is valuable and precious. Wasting someone else’s time is disrespectful and rude. We would not be friends.

I am not an anxious person at all. I do throw well attended parties. I’m throwing a party this weekend and also another party next weekend. I don’t care so much if people are coming and going to our parties since there will be a lot of people.

My friends are not flaky. I have to deal with wishy washy, flaky and unpunctual parents. That is what drives me crazy. I’m always thinking I wish I didn’t have to associate with this person but I’m stuck with her because Mary is in the same class as DD and they want to hang out.


Honestly, you sound very Type A / perfectionist, so no, we would not be friends.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 21:37     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Growing up my best friend had the flakiest mom. It drove my parents nuts, like we would call to ask why she wasn’t over at the scheduled time and the mom would say “oh we’re just getting up and going!” Like it was no big deal to be an hour late. We would kind of laugh it off.

But I LOVED going to their house. The mom was so fun, she would sing broadway songs and dance and come up with all these random amazing things for us to do. She was kind of crazy but in a really really fun way. It was also why she never had her sh*t together. But as a kid it was all part of seeing and understanding that there are many ways to be and people have different strengths and weaknesses!
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 20:05     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:This is kind of a funny thread because I am somewhat flaky (working on it) and I have difficulty having friendships with people who are anxious. It boggles my mind how many parents talk about their own anxiety and have kids who also have anxiety. It is also very stressful (for me) to be around them (eg wanting to finalize RSVPs over a month before a birthday; wanting things to be perfect / taking on too much / have difficulty being straightforward) but I’m sure it’s equally tough for the to be friends with me!


OP here. Time is valuable and precious. Wasting someone else’s time is disrespectful and rude. We would not be friends.

I am not an anxious person at all. I do throw well attended parties. I’m throwing a party this weekend and also another party next weekend. I don’t care so much if people are coming and going to our parties since there will be a lot of people.

My friends are not flaky. I have to deal with wishy washy, flaky and unpunctual parents. That is what drives me crazy. I’m always thinking I wish I didn’t have to associate with this person but I’m stuck with her because Mary is in the same class as DD and they want to hang out.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 19:10     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:In my own personal friendships, I never liked flaky people. Of course there are times when you may have to reschedule or cancel but some people are just flaky and unpunctual. I have 3 kids and they have always been good at getting out the door. They look forward to seeing their friends, look at the calendar and wait for the time. The same parents are always non commital, flaky and unpunctual. I would never tolerate this with an adult friend but I’m stuck accepting this because they are my kids’ friends’ parents.

Is this a personality trait?
Do you think they were always flaky or does the kid make you flaky?


All I know if that when you become a parent, the world including other parents seem to treat events and meetings very very casually. I remember being on time for library time or some kid related events only to find they were canceled or the person in charge treated the event as a side event. It's such a different world than the world of work where you have to be so punctual or your scared you are going to be fired!
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 18:59     Subject: Re:I can’t stand flaky parents
One flaky parent I knew insisted on ‘let do school supply shopping together with our kids!’. She said it in front of both kids, so then both kids had the expectation that it would happen. She was so flaky and kept canceling that we didn’t get to target until one week before school started. Even DH noticed and commented like, it’s kinda getting late to buy the school supplies! Never Again.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2024 18:51     Subject: I can’t stand flaky parents
Anonymous wrote:Addendum to the new lesson: not everyone’s kids are like yours. Just because your kids are good at getting out the door doesn’t mean other peoples are


Um, so you factor that in. Just like other Known Things like traffic in the DC area, or bad weather in winter. My sister and her husband are pastors and manage to be on time for everything BECAUSE they KNOW their three kids aren’t good at getting out the door, and they plan for it.