Does your husband talk to you the way your daughter does? Feelings are valid but that way of speaking to you is unacceptable and it is remarkable that you are allowing it to go on. Not good “remarkable” either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know I'm not totally thinking straight. But I am feeling shi**y. This morning as I was trying to get my daughter out the door, I kept nagging her to get ready. She kept saying things like "you think i need like 30 minutes to get ready? mom, you keep saying things that make you sound stupid" and then 5 minutes after waiting for her to leave, she's looking through a book, and then staring off into space. I was literally watching her, curiously, and said "It's so interesting watching you get ready to leave, you stare into space, you stop to read a book...." and she goes, "mom you're making yourself sound stupid again"

So she's gone for the day, and when she gets back, I bring it up again, intending to apologize for being passive aggressive, or for making her feel bad for being distracted, and I ask "Were you upset at me before?" And she goes, what are you talking about? You're being annoying." And so I apologize again, and say "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention to annoy you."

I guess I just feel like we've lost all connection and I just have no idea to get it back. It makes me incredibly sad.

Putting aside connection why are you tolerating abusive language like this? Does your husband treat you this way? Your DD is treating you like a doormat. Why are you apologizing to someone who mistreats you?

Nobody should treat you the way she treats you. Nip that in the bud.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know I'm not totally thinking straight. But I am feeling shi**y. This morning as I was trying to get my daughter out the door, I kept nagging her to get ready. She kept saying things like "you think i need like 30 minutes to get ready? mom, you keep saying things that make you sound stupid" and then 5 minutes after waiting for her to leave, she's looking through a book, and then staring off into space. I was literally watching her, curiously, and said "It's so interesting watching you get ready to leave, you stare into space, you stop to read a book...." and she goes, "mom you're making yourself sound stupid again"

So she's gone for the day, and when she gets back, I bring it up again, intending to apologize for being passive aggressive, or for making her feel bad for being distracted, and I ask "Were you upset at me before?" And she goes, what are you talking about? You're being annoying." And so I apologize again, and say "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention to annoy you."

I guess I just feel like we've lost all connection and I just have no idea to get it back. It makes me incredibly sad.

Putting aside connection why are you tolerating abusive language like this? Does your husband treat you this way? Your DD is treating you like a doormat. Why are you apologizing to someone who mistreats you?

Please get therapy. I am 50. My mom is so fixated on things she did "wrong" when I was a small child that she can't see me now as an adult. I know she loves me but the way she tries to fix these past "wrongs" keeps her from having a real relationship with me today. My own therapy has helped me to see this as misguided love and to stop lashing out, but there was a lot of damage to undo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the mom. You cannot change her but it is up to you, the adult, to figure out ways to relate to her, interests you can share, etc.

Post on the SN Forum for ideas re: how to connect with teens.

What was your childhood like? Were you a family scapegoat or bullied in school? Have you been diagnosed with anxiety, depression or ADD? Your reaction to all of this, if you are not trolling, is odd and not at all healthy.

Where is the younger child in the mix?

How have you consistently spent time one on one with older child and younger, separately? How often do you and DH spend time together, alone or with other couples?

I scheduled date nights with DH and arranged a sitter for those nights, at least once a month for many years. I scheduled all of our anniversary dinners, birthday dinners. The anniversary dinners - he never even knew it was our anniversary - just showed up for the meal.

Most of the times I have tried to do one on one things with my older child, has been disastrous. Either she sulks and says it's more fun with her dad, or when she was younger, she'd actually throw a tantrum because it was something out of her norm.

I kinda stopped trying this past year, both on scheduling those date nights with DH, and also trying to connect with my daughter and spend time with her. Partly because I got a demanding job this year, and I just couldn't handle the mental load. I was diagnosed with both anxiety and ADD. I suspect I have seasonal affective depression.

My childhood was... I had emotionally immature parents. Dad was abusive. Mom is anxious and needed me to be the perfect child.

Op, do you think maybe you’re replaying some element of your childhood out with your dd? Being anxious and trying for perfection with her, only to have her reject your efforts?

I think some therapy for yourself may be in order here.

Your daughter walks all over you-I have a mouthy tween and even she wouldn’t tell me I was being annoying or that I sound stupid! And if she did react that way to something I was doing I wouldn’t apologize! She should apologize! I do sometimes acknowledge how she feels (e.g., I know it’s annoying when I nag you about homework and you don’t want to do it, but that’s my job as your mom) but that’s very different than acting like you did something wrong.

Troll.

Can you just do special things with her? Special for her (not you). Take her shopping, concert, movie, so thing with her friends perhaps?

I have 3 kids (11, 9 and almost 6) and always focused on the older kids and left my husband or nanny with younger one. When my second was born, I would leave her with the nanny or husband and spend time with older one. When my third was born, I left him with nanny/husband and spent time with older two. In my case, my third became very attached to my husband while our older girls were much closer to me. By the time our son was 4, he was too attached to his dad and my husband babied him too much. I took the opportunity of a trip to visit my family without husband to bond with our son. Since then, I forced it a bit making sure I was always the one around him, putting him to sleep. It helps that after Covid my husband is traveling more and out of the house for bedtime at least once a week.


1 year later and now my son is equally attached to us. He goes to me first for most things and to his dad when he wants to play more physical games.

Obviously this won’t work with a teenager, but I still think you need to try and reconnect.

I make sure I spend some time alone with each of my kids every day. Even 10-15 minutes before they go to bed, to listen to them, ask questions, snuggle, tell a story, etc.

Good luck OP!

Definitely try therapy. I had a lot of anxiety and guilt, thinking that I wasn't doing enough, connecting enough with my kids, etc. even though objectively, I knew that I spent time with them, had good connections, had people telling me that I was an amazing mom, etc.

Turns out, my guilt was nearly 100% connected to how I was parented, emotional abuse from my father, emotionally unavailable mother, etc. Therapy showed me this and how to heal from it. I'm still a work in progress, but it's so much better. Find the right therapist, and you could feel so much better too.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need help.

You’re not describing anything out of the realm of normal in regard to your husband and daughter. But, what you’re posting about your own thoughts is not normal.

You come off as really neurotic, it’s not surprising they avoid you.

+1. This is way deeper than the “sibling introduction”.

OP, you need help.

You’re not describing anything out of the realm of normal in regard to your husband and daughter. But, what you’re posting about your own thoughts is not normal.

You come off as really neurotic, it’s not surprising they avoid you.