It's not the real issue where BF sleeps. I find it bothersome that your husband or daughter wouldn't accommodate each other's point of view.

Your husband and daughter are both right. He gets to make the rules for his house and she can decide if she wants to stay there or not. I have a great relationship with my parents but they are different from me and I don't agree with everything that they do. So when I visit if its short enough I'll stay with them. If its longer and I think I'm going to be uncomfortable then I stay at a hotel. Your husband has offered accommodation your daughter and her bf don't want to take you up on it. Your response should be "no problem can't wait to see you".
This is not that hard.

They will continue to stay at a hotel once married and have kids. You have set the distance with them for all future visits.

If dad is a bit of an AH then it will be a pleasant break for them to go back to the hotel at night, sleep in in the morning and then spend a bit less time with him at your house. That's a win win for dad and the happy couple.

Keep in mind that when visiting parents after having lived apart it's highly likely that adult child does not really want to maximize time at parent's home. They need their own adulting private time. Also 25 min is not that far away, NBD.

I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” on the sleeping arrangements.

DH and I had separate rooms when visiting his parents, right up until we were married. Even when we’d been engaged 6 months, wedding was in 3 months, and we’d been living together almost 2 years. They told DH that they understood we were adults but they just couldn’t bring themselves to endorse those choices. Silly IMHO, but that was their line.

My parents always had us stay in one room, even when we’d only been dating 6 months.

Where I think your DH DID go wrong is on his reaction to them getting a hotel. It’s ok for him to draw a line in your house (although ideally you and he would discuss it between yourselves and have an agreed-upon position, not just “his” rules). They can choose to follow those rules or go elsewhere. He can be disappointed in their choice to go elsewhere, but it’s really not appropriate to get mad about it.

At minimum you need to rearrange so he gets a room. Daughter doubles up with siblings or you and daughter in master and let DH sleep on sofa bed with while bf gets daughter's room.

The attempt to control backfired there. Knowing that you disapprove of their relationship sure is welcoming.

They are self-supporting grown-ups. They have the right to stay at a hotel. you’re not even allowing the boyfriend to sleep in a real bedroom. Who wants to sleep on a pullout couch in a den with no real door.

His rule is silly. Surely he knows they can share a bed whenever they want in NYC, right? She is a fully self supporting adult. I agree with the PPs that if you had an actual guest room near your daughter’s room, it would be a more reasonable request. But you really expect a 25 year old man to sleep on a couch behind glass walls?? That’s pretty horrible.

It’s your house and you’re allowed to make house rules. Your daughter is an adult and has found a solution - a hotel is a much better idea than sharing a house with a judgmental jerk for a dad!

They should stay in the same room. That's silly. I would also get a hotel.

I’ll add this is the kernel that starts “why doesn’t my son in law like me?!” Threads haha

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like your daughter came up with the best compromise. Be happy she’s visiting at all.

+1. Good for her. I wouldn’t have dared to do this when I was 23.

Your dh is wrong and I hope he changes his mind.

Couldn’t agree more. He, and you, should consider how you want to create a mature adult relationship with her in 2024. She sounds successful- good for her

I think your husband is being silly about the separate rooms, but if it's important to him, and you're on board, it's a totally fine policy.

Having done it, though, he has to live with the consequences. I wouldn't travel a great distance to sleep on a pullout couch in the living room either. Totally reasonable for them to stay at a hotel. If your husband thinks he won't see them enough, he's welcome to reconsider his position and let them sleep in the same bed. But he can't have it both ways. Choices have consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen if you had an actual guest room to offer him I think I’d feel differently, but a 25 yr old coming to your home and being shown a pullout couch with zero privacy (glass doors), does he have to carry his clothes into a bathroom to change? This is one of those family situations where no one is wrong, but your house your rules, her travel, her choice to stay in a hotel.

100% this. You’re not even giving this person a real bed or functional door and you’re shocked they don’t want to stay there? Would YOU want to stay in this room.

Your husband is an ahole.

Agree. And why do I have the feeling that if the daughter were a son, this wouldn’t be as big of a deal to OP’s husband 🤔.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like your daughter came up with the best compromise. Be happy she’s visiting at all.

+1. Good for her. I wouldn’t have dared to do this when I was 23.

Your dh is wrong and I hope he changes his mind.