OP, spill. What is the situation with your cousin?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

OP again. Yes to this. If someone tells me something in confidence then of course I honor that. But this is different. This is something about a random family member and my mom is just embarrassed about it.
I did tell her I won’t lie if it comes up one day. She then asked why on earth it would come up. And then - if it does come up, just say that she is going through some hard times and I don’t know the details.

Correct me if I’m wrong, mom, but that’s lying.

Then do not lie dummy, say it is private and confidential and you were asked not to share details. My husband would literally say ‘ Ok’ . Are you married to a toddler who cannot take no for an answer?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

OP again. Yes to this. If someone tells me something in confidence then of course I honor that. But this is different. This is something about a random family member and my mom is just embarrassed about it.
I did tell her I won’t lie if it comes up one day. She then asked why on earth it would come up. And then - if it does come up, just say that she is going through some hard times and I don’t know the details.

Correct me if I’m wrong, mom, but that’s lying.

I don't keep personal secrets form my wifr. I would keep a secret a friend or relative asked me to keep about themselves.

In your situation, OP, if my cousin told me what was going on, and asked me to not tell my wife, I wouldn't. But that's what happened. Your mother is gossiping, and then adamantly demanding that you not tell anyone, while continuing to gossip. I'd tell my wife in that situation (and also tell how ridiculous my mother was being).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

That part. Some of these hoes cannot be trusted.

Anonymous wrote:We don’t but my mother is a big proponent of them. Last night she hesitantly told me what’s going on with my cousin, her sister’s daughter, and promptly exclaimed “don’t tell anyone, not even DH!!” (It was in a text, hence the exclamations.) To me, that’s ridiculous. I’m not one to air our family’s dirty laundry and I’m not a gossip anyway. But to hide it from DH, who won’t do anything with the information except be someone I can talk to about the situation, seems unnecessary.
It’s not just a juicy story, it’s the reason my parents are suddenly going to be flying across the country in a few days to help out my aunt and cousin. So my mom is asking me to basically hide all this from my husband. I probably will tell him but wondering what others do in this situation.

That’s not keeping a secrete that his keeping a confidence. There is a difference. My husband and I love each other and our leather extended family but I do not feel he is obligated to tell me all the private things his brother may tell him or his best friend. WTF!
We are not one person, we are individuals who share a life, not one brain.
And if I was your mother and I told you something private about myself and you told your husband , I would no longer trust ypu.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t keep secrets from my spouse and it would really annoy me if my mom or any family member kept telling me stories and then insisting I not tell my DH.

If this went on or was a pattern I would just say “you know what, will you please refrain from telling me things that you also want me to keep secret from DH? I don’t like keeping secrets from him and it is exhausting to keep track of what I am not supposed to share with him. Thanks for understanding.”

If they push back I would just say something like “I hate to miss out on hearing your stories etc… but I need to put my marriage first and not having secrets is something I really value.” Or say nothing at all and it’s clear this person doesn’t get it.

What about your friends? I have a friend going through an awful divorce and I have shared some of it (with her knowledge) with my husband, but he doesn't need to know it all. I'd rather be a vault for her than have her feel like she can't trust me to keep some things to myself. I think you're being overly dramatic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

OP again. Yes to this. If someone tells me something in confidence then of course I honor that. But this is different. This is something about a random family member and my mom is just embarrassed about it.
I did tell her I won’t lie if it comes up one day. She then asked why on earth it would come up. And then - if it does come up, just say that she is going through some hard times and I don’t know the details.

Correct me if I’m wrong, mom, but that’s lying.

Why don't you say you know what's going on but they've asked you not to talk about it? It's the truth but it doesn't mean you have to blab about it.

I've generally told my husband things others tell me (I will tell him not to spread the information around, just like I was asked not to do so, and he keeps it to himself) but I make it clear that I won't tell anyone except my husband. However, last weekend the dads took all the kids away for a camping trip and the moms hung out. We drank and played a version of Never Have I Ever, and we all vowed not to tell our spouses the stuff we learned and I won't. So I think sometimes it's ok to keep secrets from your spouse. Yes he's my best friend and my sounding board, but there is absolutely no reason I should tell him certain things. And if someone specifically asked me not to tell him something I would honor that. It seems ridiculous to you, but for some reason your mom doesn't want him to know. If he straight up asks you, you can decide then where your priorities lie, but I don't think it's outrageous to just keep your mouth shut.

I would never agree to never tell my spouse something. But my DH is a steel trap and I don't find it is a useful conversation to have with people. I certainly don't go out of my way to gossip with him, but I just will not have intentional secrecy in my relationship. I'm open about it if people ask.

I don’t keep secrets, but I also don’t share information that’s not relevant or interesting to him. If we rarely see my cousin, I would not mention it. What does he care?

Gossip about neighborhood stuff, that I share because I don’t want him to put his foot in his mouth or create an awkward situation.

I sometimes keep secrets, but I would not feel obligated in this situation; you have not agreed to anything, and your mom cannot just put that on you.

OP again. Yes it’s become a problem with my mom and having to keep track of who should know what. Multiple times I have accidentally said something to a sibling who wasn’t supposed to know something even though the other siblings knew. I mean, my sister is supposed to drive them to the airport but she has no idea why they’re traveling in the first place. Don’t know why I was told anyway, I live hours away and won’t be involved in all this.
Mom is now mad that I spoke up to her instead of just saying I would keep it a secret. But that’s another problem.
I’m not planning on telling DH unless he directly asks about the cousin. I shouldn’t have described her as a “random family member “ since DH has had to help her out a few times in the past so he may ask how she’s doing one day.
Before anyone asks, yes I’ve been in therapy.

I don’t keep secrets from my spouse and it would really annoy me if my mom or any family member kept telling me stories and then insisting I not tell my DH.

If this went on or was a pattern I would just say “you know what, will you please refrain from telling me things that you also want me to keep secret from DH? I don’t like keeping secrets from him and it is exhausting to keep track of what I am not supposed to share with him. Thanks for understanding.”

If they push back I would just say something like “I hate to miss out on hearing your stories etc… but I need to put my marriage first and not having secrets is something I really value.” Or say nothing at all and it’s clear this person doesn’t get it.

I don’t really think this is considered keeping a secret from your spouse. This is not sharing someone else’s information. I probably would not share it, and my husband would most likely not really even be interested in hearing about it. It’s different if this somehow impacts you or him or your children. I don’t see why he needs to know - other than it being juicy information to gossip about with one another.

Married nearly 30 yrs. He knows 95 percent of everything. But not everything. There is such a thing as oversharing imo. Things I haven't shared:

1 how I get lonely sometimes BC he always is busy with his hobbies...tennis, golf, etc. Yes I played tennis for years to keep up but his League is much higher than mine. So it wasn't a couple's thing. Golf, it's with the guys. Now when he's gone for the day, I do something fun myself, museums, walks, bike ride, cafés, meet a girlfriend for lunch etc.

2 how a guy I knew over 30 years ago emails me once a year to check in how I am with life. He sends family pics. We exchange one or two short emails. Usually just over a period of a few days. I don't share much personal stuff with him. But I like hearing from him once a year. He lives thousands of miles away. Apparently I was the one that got away. Ten years ago he wanted to fly out and meet me. I was horrified and we didn't communicate for a couple years. He was embarrassed I think. A couple years went by and he started his annual email to me again.

3 how I have some regrets about marrying into his crazy in-laws. He's a good person but there is some serious addiction and dysfunctional stuff in his family that has long term impacts.

4 how years ago a work colleague was flirty with me and I was flirty back.

5 how he's overweight and been trying to lose 25 pounds for the past 15 years. Getting a little tired of hearing about it. But I would never tell him that or call him overweight.

So yes he knows 95 plus percent but not everything single thing.