Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 18:01     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With 50% marriages ending in divorce, you cut your dating pool by half with this approach. If after age 35, you effectively cut it by 70-80%


Nah. That statistic includes the same person getting divorced over and over again. Also if you control for income and education level it’s lower too.


Yeah it’s not relevant for dcum

T20 legacy types that come from solid ses and maintain the ses level of their parents have minuscule divorce rates

Divorce really happens when:

1. Money problems
2. People who struggle with the marshmallow test/delayed gratification

If your mom and dad are solid ses from top schools and you are as well, your chances of divorce are fractional


I respectfully disagree, but I grew up in a college town. Many, many academics divorce and have multiple families with different people.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 17:57     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.


They are only hurting themselves since there is a small pool to choose from. Personally, I would rather date someone whose parents realized that they weren't happy and separated. Sometimes that is the best thing to do.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:45     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:Soon there won't be anyone to marry as they are all not financially independent, coming from intact families, or just having much experience in a family environment or this country. Make whatever criteria you want. Just don't be sad when you don't have kids because you waited too long or don't have a partner who shares your interests because of a resume.


And why do you think there is an increasing population of suboptimal traits and decreasing population of optimal traits?
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:37     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.


It doesn't mean their parents were divorced.


And obese parents can have healthy weight offspring.

It’s an odds thing.


My relative and her husband are obese but happily married. They also enjoy hating on groups of people. They have no understanding that they take out their stress through drinking and eating and negative talk. People take out their stress in different ways. Some people are self aware. Others not that much.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:36     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:With 50% marriages ending in divorce, you cut your dating pool by half with this approach. If after age 35, you effectively cut it by 70-80%


Nah. That statistic includes the same person getting divorced over and over again. Also if you control for income and education level it’s lower too.


Yeah it’s not relevant for dcum

T20 legacy types that come from solid ses and maintain the ses level of their parents have minuscule divorce rates

Divorce really happens when:

1. Money problems
2. People who struggle with the marshmallow test/delayed gratification

If your mom and dad are solid ses from top schools and you are as well, your chances of divorce are fractional
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:33     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.


I don't see so many agreeing. It is a judgement based on statistics. It's not even a huge discrepancy in statistics. Clearly people need to see others as individuals and not percentage points of likelihood to do something or not.


I think the thing here is that the PP (above this last one)who is feeling “judged” is taking it personally as though the guy is saying she isn’t “worthy” of dating bc of her parents’ divorce. And I get where anecdotally it feels icky and offensive if you fall into that group bc you totally could make a different choice than your parents and get married and stay married! But as this PP pointed out, statistically, if the goal is to make sure you stay married, it’s a better bet to date a girl whose parents are not divorced. That’s just a fact.
It’s like it you want your kids to grow up going to church just like your family did, then statistically you should aim to date and marry someone whose family also went to church every week. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who are converts after having kids OR who go to church even though their parents didn’t! It just means that if you want to better your odds at being a church-going family, you marry someone whose family of origin already shares that as a valued norm and practice.
No need to get offended. There are always exceptions. And maybe that fiancé missed out on dating some great girls...but he set the parameters based on statistics, not on you (or anyone else) personally so that he could heighten the odds of achieving his no-divorce goal.


Too many words. Is the goal a happy marriage, or not getting divorced? Those are two separate things. Avoiding potential partners whose parents who are divorced does nothing to further the goal of a happy marriage as far as I can tell.


+1. This is the only response that matters. Do you want and intact marriage or a healthy marriage? If it’s the former, then by all means feel free to screen our children of divorce. You’ll be weeding out some truly wonderful, resilient people and they’re better off because of it and without even knowing it.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:07     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.


It doesn't mean their parents were divorced.


And obese parents can have healthy weight offspring.

It’s an odds thing.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:05     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
I have been married for 31 years to a spouse with divorced parents. I am glad I married them, and have never regretted it for a second.

So, I obviously think it would be foolish to rule out someone with divorced parents. But it would also be foolish to ignore it completely.

Divorce leaves a mark on children. It creates issues and complications, some hidden, some not.

Your worst case is you get someone who has not totally worked through those issues and recreates a bad family dynamic.

Your best case - the one I have - is that your spouse has worked through almost all the issues, and is emotionally healthy and can maintain a good relationship. And even then, you have to navigate two sets of in-laws, and deal with their logistics at holidays, birthday parties, weddings, and every big event in your life. It's a hassle!

But, like I said - I don't regret marrying a spouse with divorced parents.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:04     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.


It doesn't mean their parents were divorced.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:04     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Soon there won't be anyone to marry as they are all not financially independent, coming from intact families, or just having much experience in a family environment or this country. Make whatever criteria you want. Just don't be sad when you don't have kids because you waited too long or don't have a partner who shares your interests because of a resume.


So instead stick a troubled or broken family to future kids?


Or work through your own and other's issues so your country maintains stability, or I guess be invaded by China if you prefer. Our country obviously had bigger issues with slavery and then a world war, and then prohibition and then the depression and then another world war. There are enough videos on how to get along as a couple and parent if you actually want to learn from mistakes of the past.

As stated before, there are many problems families without divorce don't deal with because they aren't exposed so they can be just as vulnerable because they haven't had to face them.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:46     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
It sounds mean to say it out loud (and so most people don't do so), but if you are looking for a long happy marriage, it makes sense to pick a spouse whose family modeled those skills. If you are just looking to date and have fun, there is no need of course. My parents were happily married until my mother's death and so were DH's parents (until one of them passed) and this wasn't something I considered when we got married, but in retrospect, it makes sense that we both fell into the model we had been shown. I think someone from a broken home can have a great marriage, it just takes more conscious thought and effort.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:34     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:33     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
No one is asking to write off 80% of eligible people but merely suggesting trying to make sensible and conscious decisions.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:31     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:Soon there won't be anyone to marry as they are all not financially independent, coming from intact families, or just having much experience in a family environment or this country. Make whatever criteria you want. Just don't be sad when you don't have kids because you waited too long or don't have a partner who shares your interests because of a resume.


So instead stick a troubled or broken family to future kids?
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 14:08     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Soon there won't be anyone to marry as they are all not financially independent, coming from intact families, or just having much experience in a family environment or this country. Make whatever criteria you want. Just don't be sad when you don't have kids because you waited too long or don't have a partner who shares your interests because of a resume.