Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Absolutely ask if he is redoing his will or not. Maybe talk to a lawyer first yourself; you will find out that most people with money do NOT instantly redo their will upon marriage at that age. Maybe after 5, 10 years if things are splendid but not ASAP.

nbd to ask now. I hope the answer is he is waiting a few years to reconsider the will.

As for your husband, he is most likely concerned about a Swoop and Doop or your father not giving his and your mom’s hard earned money to his actual children, but someone else’s and someone else who showed up in the 9th inning of life. Life is too hard for that.

If you aren't willing to have any conversation about money ok, but as a PSA it is really a gift to know what the elderly parent's preferences are for end of life decisions, funeral and burial, if burial applies. So much easier to ask when everyone is healthy and not have to deal with these hard question under stress. This goes double if there are multiple children or remarriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 68, he should calm his hormones. He doesn't need a wife. He is just horny. It is disgraceful to your mom's memory. He had his love. Now he should focus on being a grandpa.

Everything your mom worked for will go to this new wife and HER kids.

Are you 15 years old? No, the need for romance, companionship, and intimacy doesn't stop at 68. My God.

Seriously. A lot of young people typing out pronouncements about what they're going to do and not do when they are the "ancient" age of 68.

Ridiculous. I wish we had a time machine so we could go forward and see whether they really feel that their life is over (except for baby-sitting grandchildren) when they reach that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

+1

Exactly.

Not really. As a wife and mom, I wouldn't want DH to remarry as I did not spend my life building wealth for another woman to enjoy. It's for my kids to enjoy once we are gone.

If that's how you feel, you can write your will that way. Nothing stopping you. Leave your husband a life estate with the remainder to your kids. Done.

I'm 54 and have been divorced for about five years. So, it's not far fetched to imagine that I could marry a man about 10 years older than me in a few years. If this future husband were widowed with children, I can't imagine expecting that he'd put all that he and his wife, and perhaps his or her parents, built in terms of wealth at my disposal without protecting the nest egg that could help his offspring fully flourish. If I did, that would be a big red flag for everybody involved.

Now if he had significantly more money than me such that his money enabled my lifestyle to change considerably, I'd ask that he leave me enough money to ensure that I'd have complete security in my older age so that I could continue living the new posh lifestyle till the end, or at least be able to stay in his Mar-a-Lago apartment style condo till I passed away. But once I die, that Mar-a-Lago type place should be sold and given to his children. If my child from my first marriage was especially kind and loving with him, then perhaps he'd want to leave a big chunk of money or something valuable to my child as a token of his affection. (Besides, my kid will eventually get my estate, plus that of his dad.) But the main part of the second husband's estate should go to his offspring. And that would be the case even if I did lots of caregiving at the end and his children did very little. Because all that time he was alive, including while I was nursing him, I'd be enjoying the posh lifestyle that I couldn't have bought myself. And realistically, people with big bucks don't actually have to change bedpans for their husbands on their death beds. There are people you can pay to do that for you. The job of a rich wife at that point is to keep him company, read to him, help him write letters or emails to his friends and family, supervise and make sure that the caregivers are treating him with kindness and respect, and being his advocate with the medical team. That's not so much to ask if you love someone. There will be time for tennis games and lunch with the Golden Girls after he's passed away. You don't marry someone when you're 58 if you aren't ready to undertake those duties. Well, you shouldn't. Also, from the time I'm 58 and married this wealthy man, my income would likely no longer be needed for living expenses, so I could invest it or save it in ways that I couldn't if I were still unmarried. That would mean my child would likely inherit more from me than they otherwise would have.

If I were OP, I'd sit with this scenario for a bit. Imagine what must be going through her dad's girlfriend's mind right now. What motivation could she possibly have for wanting her dad to set aside his children in favor of her child? Sure, she would want to be certain of having financial security in her old age and throughout the remainder of her life. That is definitely fair. But why would dad's girlfriend ever want more than that? Why would she ever want to transfer his money from his children to her own child? There really isn't any legitimate reason that I can come up with, other than greed. Frankly, if I were your dad's fiancee, I'd insist on writing out all of this very clearly before the wedding. If nothing else, it will clear the air and proactively ensure that nobody from your family would ever be able to question her motives. Perhaps she'll fall ill and be unable to care for your dad in their home. Her decision to put him in a nursing home would look very different to you and your siblings if you know that she isn't able to dump him in a care home and run off with his money. If she isn't willing to sign docs agreeing to this sort of estate plan, then I'd ask your dad to reconsider the formal marriage. I don't think you mentioned this, but if your dad is "self-made" and didn't inherit money, he may not even realize that there are options such as a life estate that he could employ to protect his children. There is no reason that his money needs to become "his and her" money, nor do I see any reason that it should beyond what it takes to ensure that she is able to live comfortably after his death. Why in the world should she want to control his money after she's dead?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is being a jerk but a new marriage nullifies any existing will.

So you should discuss it with your dad or expect NOTHING.

A new marriage does not nullify an existing will.

No but the new wife is beneficiary of the retirement even if the kids are in the will. Unless she signs off. If she gets POA a lot of things can change.

You are obviously not an estate attorney. Sheesh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is being a jerk but a new marriage nullifies any existing will.

So you should discuss it with your dad or expect NOTHING.

A new marriage does not nullify an existing will.

No but the new wife is beneficiary of the retirement even if the kids are in the will. Unless she signs off. If she gets POA a lot of things can change.

Anonymous wrote:He is being a jerk but a new marriage nullifies any existing will.

So you should discuss it with your dad or expect NOTHING.

A new marriage does not nullify an existing will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

+1

Exactly.

Not really. As a wife and mom, I wouldn't want DH to remarry as I did not spend my life building wealth for another woman to enjoy. It's for my kids to enjoy once we are gone.

Unbelievably selfish and cruel attitude toward your husband. You must not love him much.

Our kids are more important than our need for sex. He can he happy without sex.

No kidding. Why wouldn't OP's dad continue to date this woman, why rush to marriage.

Her DH did nothing wrong, merely pointed out the obvious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 68, he should calm his hormones. He doesn't need a wife. He is just horny. It is disgraceful to your mom's memory. He had his love. Now he should focus on being a grandpa.

Everything your mom worked for will go to this new wife and HER kids.

Are you 15 years old? No, the need for romance, companionship, and intimacy doesn't stop at 68. My God.

You dont need intimacy or romance as a senior citizen. Grow up.
Find hobbies, spend time with grandkids.

I agree. If my spouse dies I would never date or marry. My enjoyment is with my kids and grandkids someday.

Her dad should date the women, not marry at that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

+1

Exactly.

Not really. As a wife and mom, I wouldn't want DH to remarry as I did not spend my life building wealth for another woman to enjoy. It's for my kids to enjoy once we are gone.

Unbelievably selfish and cruel attitude toward your husband. You must not love him much.

Yes but she's right. The DH has the right to marry, that's not the point. Their wealth should be past on to the kids. He and the new wife can keep their assets separate and build together from their date of marriage. If she doesn't have anything, or much she may be a opportunist.

Op, wow sorry for all these people attacking you, none of it is warranted. I come from a culture and family where I also have zero expectations for an inheritance from my parents so I totally understand your perspective, and also why you bristled at your husband asking about it. In fact, my sibling and I somewhat financially support our living parent. They started from nothing, and they invested in us, their children by raising us and paying for our college education, so that we could support our families.

Money is such a weird thing that seems to twist people- their intentions, trust, everything.

If there is a significant amount of wealth that has been collected by your parents, I think it would make practical sense for your dad to consult with a professional about how to manage his assets especially with the extra complexity of remarriage. It’s worthwhile to have an objective professional working in your father’s behalf who can discuss these things and plan for them.

He is being a jerk but a new marriage nullifies any existing will.

So you should discuss it with your dad or expect NOTHING.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would never remarry. So, its easy for me to expect the same from DH.

You do know that men remarry at higher rates than women right?

So?

These are complicated topics.

The new wife may even end up providing the elderly father with long term care.

Dating so soon after the elderly mother's death puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth. I know a case much like that in our extended family where an elderly man started to date just 4 months after he became widowed and his kids were IRATE. He was recently widowed after decades of marriage to his HS sweetheart, had never been alone.

I know other cases where the elderly parents - these are women, notably - date but they don't remarry. For them they've stated it does not make sense as they are done having kids and accumulating assets that will go to their kids.

I think sometimes the man hasn't done laundry, cooked, or cleaned and rushes into something so that someone will do those things.