Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:51
Subject: Re:Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.
She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.
all I want for christmas is a clean house with things put away where they below.
4 years and still waiting....
To withhold sex because the chores are not done is childish and immature.
When someone isn't pulling their weight, or saying nasty things to their spouse sex shouldn't be expected.
And how will withholding sex make things better. And women wonder why men cheat when they have immature attitudes like yours. If he is talking to you in this manner, you need to divorce him on the grounds of emotional abuse.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:41
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Good grief, the amount of flack OP is getting is unreal. I know there's a double standard on this site, but this is absurd.
OP, I'm a married woman. While I don't think your response was ideal, I understand why you said it. Now, I'd use it to open up a larger conversation about the future of your marriage. First decide what you want. I assume that is either an open marriage or scheduled sex once a week or something. Then, you have to decide if you're willing to divorce if she says the only option for her is continuing on the way things are. Making this decision ahead of time will affect how you approach the conversation with your wife.
As far as avoiding divorce for the kids, I always remember what my uncle told me. He and my aunt had a lousy marriage (both good people, just very different and not compatible) but waited until their youngest was in college to divorce. My uncle later said that his only regret about waiting was that his kids did not know what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. It wasn't something he thought of when the kids were younger, but now that they were adults he was seeing that the effects of that might follow them a lot longer than the effects of having amicably divorced parents would have. (The amicable being key, though.)
OP, I'm a married woman. While I don't think your response was ideal, I understand why you said it. Now, I'd use it to open up a larger conversation about the future of your marriage. First decide what you want. I assume that is either an open marriage or scheduled sex once a week or something. Then, you have to decide if you're willing to divorce if she says the only option for her is continuing on the way things are. Making this decision ahead of time will affect how you approach the conversation with your wife.
As far as avoiding divorce for the kids, I always remember what my uncle told me. He and my aunt had a lousy marriage (both good people, just very different and not compatible) but waited until their youngest was in college to divorce. My uncle later said that his only regret about waiting was that his kids did not know what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. It wasn't something he thought of when the kids were younger, but now that they were adults he was seeing that the effects of that might follow them a lot longer than the effects of having amicably divorced parents would have. (The amicable being key, though.)
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:34
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?
Yes, you were wrong. She's your wife, and presumably you promised you'd be faithful to her, so it is her business even if she isn't sleeping with you anymore. I'm sorry for your situation, but what you said was wrong. I hope you can move forward and fix your marriage.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:34
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?
Forget couples counseling, it's not a cure all. Especially if both of you won't try and change. For whatever reason she's not attracted to you. Whether it's your attitude, or physical no one can say except her. The thing is you can't force being attracted or wanting to have sex when you don't. In many if not most relationships it's going to change as you get older. At least you recognize it's only one aspect of many in a marriage. Yes kids and finances should be put first.
OP if you both get along fairly well I agree it's best to stay married with kids there. I know too many people that can't stand the steps, or the intrusive ex. You'll both likely take your problems with you. At this point try to improve your attitude and talk to her.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:23
Subject: Re:Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.
She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.
all I want for christmas is a clean house with things put away where they below.
4 years and still waiting....
To withhold sex because the chores are not done is childish and immature.
When someone isn't pulling their weight, or saying nasty things to their spouse sex shouldn't be expected.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:11
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I think there is a subset of older woman who feel that they should get to stop having sex at some point with no consequence to their marriage. There is also a subset of men who are complaining about not getting sex from their wives (not pointing at OP here) with no intention of doing anything about it other than complaining. And then there is “declare open marriage” guy.
I literally LOLed at this.
Ha, me too. He's my spirit animal.
He should start his own dating site.
Or his own political party, in the same spirit as the "Rent Is Too Damn High" party.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 14:01
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I think there is a subset of older woman who feel that they should get to stop having sex at some point with no consequence to their marriage. There is also a subset of men who are complaining about not getting sex from their wives (not pointing at OP here) with no intention of doing anything about it other than complaining. And then there is “declare open marriage” guy.
I literally LOLed at this.
Ha, me too. He's my spirit animal.
He should start his own dating site.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:42
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I think there is a subset of older woman who feel that they should get to stop having sex at some point with no consequence to their marriage. There is also a subset of men who are complaining about not getting sex from their wives (not pointing at OP here) with no intention of doing anything about it other than complaining. And then there is “declare open marriage” guy.
I literally LOLed at this.
Ha, me too. He's my spirit animal.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:37
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote: I think there is a subset of older woman who feel that they should get to stop having sex at some point with no consequence to their marriage. There is also a subset of men who are complaining about not getting sex from their wives (not pointing at OP here) with no intention of doing anything about it other than complaining. And then there is “declare open marriage” guy.
I literally LOLed at this.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:36
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, isn't it awkward in your house to not have sex? I just don't get it. How do a married couple live in the same close quarters with each other without having sex?
It may be awkward, but it's not hard to imagine why you might now want to sleep with someone who's told you he may be putting his penis in someone else.
More often than not, the thought that another woman wants her husband's penis is the only thing that shakes a wife out of her sexual indifference.
Actually it's the thought of another woman getting some of the family assets. It's also the change in lifestyle and kids future. It's rarely what you described, lol.
Yep, and the stigma of being a divorced woman. This is especially true for religious women.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:34
Subject: Re:Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.
She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.
all I want for christmas is a clean house with things put away where they below.
4 years and still waiting....
To withhold sex because the chores are not done is childish and immature.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:33
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.
OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...
I understand. It happens.
Do you want to talk to her?
OP here. I'm sure talking about it would indeed help. But anything to do with our intimacy issues has been difficult for us to talk about. That's why most marital issues are first and foremost communication issues... unless there are drugs, abuse, or cheating involved... and I don't think there are.
Why does she say no to counseling?
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:28
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, isn't it awkward in your house to not have sex? I just don't get it. How do a married couple live in the same close quarters with each other without having sex?
It may be awkward, but it's not hard to imagine why you might now want to sleep with someone who's told you he may be putting his penis in someone else.
More often than not, the thought that another woman wants her husband's penis is the only thing that shakes a wife out of her sexual indifference.
Actually it's the thought of another woman getting some of the family assets. It's also the change in lifestyle and kids future. It's rarely what you described, lol.
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:28
Subject: Re:Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:My wife and I, in our 50s, have a pretty poor sex life, maybe 6-8x/year over the past few years with menopause, etc.
She asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday. I said passionate, intense sex. And she kind of chuckled and rolled her eyes. I said, "What's so funny about that?" She said no, really, what do you want. And I said exactly that. She was so dismissive. It led to an argument, not so much about the sex frequency, but about dismissing so easily what is important to me, and asking a question, getting an honest answer, and then not treating it that way.
all I want for christmas is a clean house with things put away where they below.
4 years and still waiting....
Anonymous
08/02/2018 13:27
Subject: Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.
OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...
Did you apologize?
OP here. I did not. I did say I was sorry I hurt her, but I did not apologize for the content of my words. I am very much struggling with myself regarding my own feelings on that. I feel that once I've been "left to take care of my own needs", and she's shown no desire to be a part of that (and I would not want to force it upon her if it's against her will)... then this is one aspect of our life that we no longer do as a couple. So... while I can't demand anything of her - it goes both ways... at least that's how I sometimes feel. It's not exactly how I would have wished our relationship to be.
So you acknowledge your behavior was shitty but defend it as not really wrong because she made you do it. Dude, you're a jackass, no wonder she won't sleep with you.
I understand the OP. It's not saying that it is her fault for the comment, and that is why he apologized for hurting her feelings.
However, there comes a point in a relationship, when you feel as though you are apologizing and letting someone off the hook while they take no responsibility for their own actions.
He is sorry that he hurt her and he apologized. But why would he say sorry for the comment itself. The comment itself was meant to make the statement, that if she was not involved in his sex life, then she is not entitled to an answer about his sex life... He still feels that way. Therefore, he is not apologizing.
He should apologize for the statement because it is rude and immature. If he wants to have sex with other women his comment should be "I've decided that since we are not having sex I will have sex with other women". That is actually a mature and truthful statement, if that is his intention. If it's not, he is passive aggressive.
It is actually her business if she sleeps with him even a few times a year, she can then choose to make it 0 times a year to protect herself from diseases.
If he said, I've actually decided to sleep with other women... and that was his intention, then he could say "im sorry if that hurts your feeling but that is my plan".