This is from 2018.

What did you decide?
I've had to ask my *special* husband to leave. He only visits now, which is easier. I can appreciate him more in spurts.
Definitely had at least one undisclosed mental illness (OCD) and I think he's on the spectrum. It's exhausting and humiliating. I do think he is a covert narcissist and that perhaps yours is too.
Look up covert narcissism and weaponized incompetence. There's a chance he knows you will take care of everything he *pretends* he can't do.

With you on this OP. Exact same scenario.

Anonymous wrote:Join the club!

Very likely his father was also very stupid, lady, and self-centered.

Ladies! Pls study your SO’s mother and father more and their roles and the dynamic at home!

Everyone jumps down the ADHD road. Some people lack common sense, or yes are lazy.

My ex was very smart, good at his job but very little common sense which caused a lot of problems. After we divorced he bounced around. I always did everything, finances, etc. After he died he had a bunch of unclaimed accounts totaling 8k. I always made sure to schedule our annual doctor visits and get our lab work done. I'm sure he neglected that which prevented early detection.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I cold die right now. I asked my husband to turn off the water to the fridge. He said that he did it. I see more leaking, then I went to the basement and find that the valve is partly turned off. It wasn't done, wooden floor and cabinets ruined. All I can assume is stupid or spiteful. Either way, I don't want sex with him ever.

This is typical of ADHD. XDH never managed to completely screw the tops back on bottles. When bottles tipped over in the medicine cabinet or elsewhere, he’d always be surprised and use the passive tense, as in, “the bottles fell over and spilled all over.” And then I’d clean it up, because he’d get distracted and not do it. Once there were multiple bottles of tipped-over cough syrup in the medicine cabinet. I picked my battles and insisted on closing cupboard doors.

That said, you should work on your attitude.

Anonymous wrote:I've been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety over the years. A lot of things are a challenge. But I got myself to therapy, tried medication, tried CBT, tried productivity apps, thought hard about what I can outsource, got into routines...like, I did the work. If my husband had done half that work and he were still struggling, I'd have a lot more empathy. But he thinks therapy is for crazy people (which I mean, obviously doesn't make me feel great.) He goes a few times and then isn't honest. He's dismissive and resentful when I suggest things that worked for me. The problem isn't the mental illness, it's the lack of self-awareness and taking responsibility for the effect that being untreated has on himself and his family.

Good for you, it sounds like you’re taking things in hand. I’m sorry about your DH.

Anonymous wrote:Anytime anyone claims to work 80 hours a week my bullshit meter goes to 11.

Me too! More than 11 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Join the club!

Very likely his father was also very stupid, lady, and self-centered.

Ladies! Pls study your SO’s mother and father more and their roles and the dynamic at home!

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety over the years. A lot of things are a challenge. But I got myself to therapy, tried medication, tried CBT, tried productivity apps, thought hard about what I can outsource, got into routines...like, I did the work. If my husband had done half that work and he were still struggling, I'd have a lot more empathy. But he thinks therapy is for crazy people (which I mean, obviously doesn't make me feel great.) He goes a few times and then isn't honest. He's dismissive and resentful when I suggest things that worked for me. The problem isn't the mental illness, it's the lack of self-awareness and taking responsibility for the effect that being untreated has on himself and his family.

Anytime anyone claims to work 80 hours a week my bullshit meter goes to 11.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I cold die right now. I asked my husband to turn off the water to the fridge. He said that he did it. I see more leaking, then I went to the basement and find that the valve is partly turned off. It wasn't done, wooden floor and cabinets ruined. All I can assume is stupid or spiteful. Either way, I don't want sex with him ever.

You really shouldn't be speaking this way about your spouse. The words we choose will speak hate and death into our lives, or can speak life an hope. You and your husband are a family and a team, and you would do well to start having conversations with him about these things and not telling strangers on here in ways that put another person down. None of us are perfect examples of humanity. And none of us are in a position to judge others honestly and fully. Your children are going to form relationships based on the examples they see, and the most prominent is yourself and your husband.

Where I work, in a technical environment, failures like this dont end up in firing someone, its "attention to detail training" that is required. He is going to respond much better when you engage and challenge him men are problem solvers generally by nature. Guess what....you may have to do some leadership development.

There's just so much pessimism. If he is not abusive, adulterous, mentally ill, or some other genuinely disqualifying factor, its in everybodys best interest that you give him the benefit of the doubt, and that can start with thoughts and words that speak hope and life into the situation, and not wrath and impatience.

I wish you blessings and peace.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

If you can find the time to develop an extramarital relationship, you can find the time to talk your husband into evaluation and treatment

OP, I cold die right now. I asked my husband to turn off the water to the fridge. He said that he did it. I see more leaking, then I went to the basement and find that the valve is partly turned off. It wasn't done, wooden floor and cabinets ruined. All I can assume is stupid or spiteful. Either way, I don't want sex with him ever.

OP, it is really sad, I am the one who climbs into the attic to chnge the AC filter, or it won't get done. Plants die if I am not home. Gutters get clogged, milk got left out. I was happy when he became seriously impotent because with all this, I started to hate him and I no longer have to touch him.

I am not sure that it is all ADD, I think he simply does not care, I think he is a narcissist with a nice little smile, or perhaps a sociopath.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

What adult homeowner doesn't care about crumbs all over the kitchen and milk going bad on the counter? Seriously.

My fn husband. New to the thread, but this is my husband. He makes more mess than our two kids and just doesn’t seem to be able to see it. I’m just so done. He was not like this in early dating/marriage, but when we had kids it all went to sh*t. He drops food on the floor and just leaves it, makes bagels on the counter and just leaves the mess, I honestly don’t think it actually registers with him. If I point it out and ask him to clean up after himself, he says he will but he doesn’t and acts like he did. It is seriously perplexing.