Anonymous
12/21/2016 11:00
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:I feel like this thread is DCUM at its most batshit crazy. Can you guys hear yourself? "Separating a woman from her biological child is lethal but separating a man is merely painful"
Jeeeeesus. I've said it a few times in this thread but you are all about preserving the 'marriage' over basically everything else in the world. Including your own values, general morality, and a completely innocent baby's well being.
I also echo another PP. Apparently being married to a dead beat is ok with some of you as long as he never talks to his side piece again but in my world? Any man who has accepted that he is not allowed to see his own child, his own flesh and blood, is not the type of man I want to be married to. I would be absolutely disgusted.
I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating because HIS BROTHER had a baby in college with a girlfriend that he walked away from and the whole family seemed kind of ok with it. It was only until I talked to him about it more and learned that DH had kind of been keeping tabs on the girl and making sure she was alright that I thought he was ok. Walking away from a child is a horrific thing for an adult to do.
No one is about preserving the marriage over everything else. That type of infidelity shatters marriages and any woman who decides to divorce over this has my enthusiastic support. If this is not for you, it doesn't have to be!
For those who decide to try and rebuild the marriage, do you think they should NOT know about the scenarios that give them the best shot?
I want to address your comment I bolded above. There is no "general morality" about this. Until less than a hundred years ago, men were expected to ignore their illegitimate children. The idea that ALL children need to be embraced, much less prioritized, is a very new one. Don't oversell this as "general morality", because it isn't.
As for the wellbeing of an innocent baby, well of course it is important, but is it more important than everything else? More important than the wellbeing of the children of marriage? More important than the wellbeing of the wife? Why? They too are innocent so why should the baby be the priority to the detriment of everyone else?
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:54
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:I feel like this thread is DCUM at its most batshit crazy. Can you guys hear yourself? "Separating a woman from her biological child is lethal but separating a man is merely painful"
Jeeeeesus. I've said it a few times in this thread but you are all about preserving the 'marriage' over basically everything else in the world. Including your own values, general morality, and a completely innocent baby's well being.
I also echo another PP. Apparently being married to a dead beat is ok with some of you as long as he never talks to his side piece again but in my world? Any man who has accepted that he is not allowed to see his own child, his own flesh and blood, is not the type of man I want to be married to. I would be absolutely disgusted.
I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating because HIS BROTHER had a baby in college with a girlfriend that he walked away from and the whole family seemed kind of ok with it. It was only until I talked to him about it more and learned that DH had kind of been keeping tabs on the girl and making sure she was alright that I thought he was ok. Walking away from a child is a horrific thing for an adult to do.
Tell me about it! How do you respect a man who is ok with no or limited contact with his child?
I broke up with my first love for hiding his child from me. He claimed I was too judgmental so he was afraid that I will judge him(he had the child as a teenager and we were still in college when we were dating).
I told him," if you can be ashamed of your child, you could be ashamed of me and mine if we ever got married and things did not work out". And this guy actually had contact with the child. He just never told his friends and girlfriends that he had one.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:43
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
I feel like this thread is DCUM at its most batshit crazy. Can you guys hear yourself? "Separating a woman from her biological child is lethal but separating a man is merely painful"
Jeeeeesus. I've said it a few times in this thread but you are all about preserving the 'marriage' over basically everything else in the world. Including your own values, general morality, and a completely innocent baby's well being.
I also echo another PP. Apparently being married to a dead beat is ok with some of you as long as he never talks to his side piece again but in my world? Any man who has accepted that he is not allowed to see his own child, his own flesh and blood, is not the type of man I want to be married to. I would be absolutely disgusted.
I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating because HIS BROTHER had a baby in college with a girlfriend that he walked away from and the whole family seemed kind of ok with it. It was only until I talked to him about it more and learned that DH had kind of been keeping tabs on the girl and making sure she was alright that I thought he was ok. Walking away from a child is a horrific thing for an adult to do.
Jeeeeesus. I've said it a few times in this thread but you are all about preserving the 'marriage' over basically everything else in the world. Including your own values, general morality, and a completely innocent baby's well being.
I also echo another PP. Apparently being married to a dead beat is ok with some of you as long as he never talks to his side piece again but in my world? Any man who has accepted that he is not allowed to see his own child, his own flesh and blood, is not the type of man I want to be married to. I would be absolutely disgusted.
I almost broke up with my DH when we were dating because HIS BROTHER had a baby in college with a girlfriend that he walked away from and the whole family seemed kind of ok with it. It was only until I talked to him about it more and learned that DH had kind of been keeping tabs on the girl and making sure she was alright that I thought he was ok. Walking away from a child is a horrific thing for an adult to do.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:26
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I don't believe in abandoning a child to punish an AP. It's not about her. It's about the baby, who needs and deserves a father.
Realistically, this baby's best chances for an actual full-time father figure (not a weekend dad) are if the mother finds and marries a single, available man who can be her husband and the baby's father figure. If the mom wants her baby to have a family, she should give him/her one by finding a single man to marry and having more children with him.
Totally agree
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:16
Subject: Re:what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some Kids in Thailand may need as much money as they need love. Which is why I would not leave mine in Thailand, even if I cheated.
My husband is the perfect spouse, but if it ever came to choosing between him and my minor child, he has to go. It's not even a choice. There is no love, guilt or logic in the world that will make me avoid my child for him.
It's so ironic but you are actually repeating the advice of the Marriage Builders (TM) guy who recommends that a WIFE's outside child is integrated into the family, and a HUSBAND's outside child is left out. Because "I know of no successful cases of recovery where a wife is separated from her child." Seems like he understands that separating a mother from her child is lethal while separating a father from his child is merely painful.
Agree. I think he is right. The Thai woman may be suffering and her family may have collapsed. She might not have been married. She gave her kid up for adoption.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:15
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:
I don't believe in abandoning a child to punish an AP. It's not about her. It's about the baby, who needs and deserves a father.
Realistically, this baby's best chances for an actual full-time father figure (not a weekend dad) are if the mother finds and marries a single, available man who can be her husband and the baby's father figure. If the mom wants her baby to have a family, she should give him/her one by finding a single man to marry and having more children with him.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:13
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Don't be silly. Families are shaped by choices, not genes. Look in the family forum and count the people who have "estranged" family members. Then poll the second wives and see if they consider the first wife of their husband (wife, not AP!) to be the member of the family. I will be shocked if they say yes.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:12
Subject: Re:what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Some Kids in Thailand may need as much money as they need love. Which is why I would not leave mine in Thailand, even if I cheated.
My husband is the perfect spouse, but if it ever came to choosing between him and my minor child, he has to go. It's not even a choice. There is no love, guilt or logic in the world that will make me avoid my child for him.
It's so ironic but you are actually repeating the advice of the Marriage Builders (TM) guy who recommends that a WIFE's outside child is integrated into the family, and a HUSBAND's outside child is left out. Because "I know of no successful cases of recovery where a wife is separated from her child." Seems like he understands that separating a mother from her child is lethal while separating a father from his child is merely painful.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 10:09
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Exactly. lol How do you sever a relationship with your daughter's parent. Crazy!
Keep in mind that keeping the first family intact with no contact with the outside child, might be best for the outside child too. If the father stays married, stays sane, stays in a job, he is more likely able to pay child support. If the marriage fails, he is unlikely (statistically) to get together with the other woman. So the casualties only compound.
No child is better off with no father and some money. That is crazy. Kids need love, not stuff.
Actually, you are not necessarily correct.
Don't assume that the father wants to show love to that child, he might also be a real jerk (he has sort of proven that). Also, kids need money to thrive. Food clothing and so on. Third, they don't have to get love from the bio father. There are other adults who can provide that. Last, this kid can't have it all. Things started out badly. Someone loses. The child might be better off away from the mess.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:59
Subject: Re:what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Some Kids in Thailand may need as much money as they need love. Which is why I would not leave mine in Thailand, even if I cheated.
My husband is the perfect spouse, but if it ever came to choosing between him and my minor child, he has to go. It's not even a choice. There is no love, guilt or logic in the world that will make me avoid my child for him.
My husband is the perfect spouse, but if it ever came to choosing between him and my minor child, he has to go. It's not even a choice. There is no love, guilt or logic in the world that will make me avoid my child for him.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:57
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Exactly. lol How do you sever a relationship with your daughter's parent. Crazy!
Keep in mind that keeping the first family intact with no contact with the outside child, might be best for the outside child too. If the father stays married, stays sane, stays in a job, he is more likely able to pay child support. If the marriage fails, he is unlikely (statistically) to get together with the other woman. So the casualties only compound.
No child is better off with no father and some money. That is crazy. Kids need love, not stuff.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:54
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Exactly. lol How do you sever a relationship with your daughter's parent. Crazy!
Keep in mind that keeping the first family intact with no contact with the outside child, might be best for the outside child too. If the father stays married, stays sane, stays in a job, he is more likely able to pay child support. If the marriage fails, he is unlikely (statistically) to get together with the other woman. So the casualties only compound.
No child is better off with no father and some money. That is crazy. Kids need love, not stuff.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:51
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Exactly. lol How do you sever a relationship with your daughter's parent. Crazy!
Keep in mind that keeping the first family intact with no contact with the outside child, might be best for the outside child too. If the father stays married, stays sane, stays in a job, he is more likely able to pay child support. If the marriage fails, he is unlikely (statistically) to get together with the other woman. So the casualties only compound.
From the child's perspective, maybe.
But I cannot love a man who agrees to avoid contact with his child. Because there is no way I am avoiding contact with mine. No freaking way.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:39
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
Exactly. lol How do you sever a relationship with your daughter's parent. Crazy!
Keep in mind that keeping the first family intact with no contact with the outside child, might be best for the outside child too. If the father stays married, stays sane, stays in a job, he is more likely able to pay child support. If the marriage fails, he is unlikely (statistically) to get together with the other woman. So the casualties only compound.
Anonymous
12/21/2016 09:35
Subject: what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's true. They don't. The advice is for the couples who decide they do want to try and rebuild the marriage.
The 'advice' includes actual recommendations for women to manipulate the legal system to stop a biological father from having contact with their child.
If a marriage to a cheating a hole is worth selling your soul for then whatever go for it I fuss.
Much better for the kid to grow up in an intact family than to deal with a confusing visiting daddy situation and risk the breakdown of the family. For the dubious pleasure of contact with biofather?
You know how women who get pregnant from affairs with married men are told, "you made your bed, now enjoy it"? This is the men's version of it. You sleep with a married woman, you risk not having access to your child. Plus it's a rare man who gets a married woman pregnant with the intention of actually parenting the child. Chances are, it's a combination of recklessness and stupidity on the part of both.
These situations are messy enough. That said, the marriage counselor in the article is correct about severing relations with the other person. Often, the outside woman gets pregnant to have permanent ties with the man, and manipulate him forever. Best to cut that out and have a third party send a check for child support. Zero contact. Complete shut down. If she wants her kid to have a father figure, she should have a good relationship with a man, who is unmarried, and move on.
I know right! These horrible sperm thieves... Always finding ways to trick men into leaving their sperm in places where babies grow!
How about men take a little responsibility for keeping their sperm to themselves, PP? If they don't want to be "manipulated forever".... maybe they should keep their pants zipped? Wear a condom? Make sure the person they are banging is, I dunno, their wife?
I agree with you. I'm only pointing out what needs to be done to preserve the entire family. I don't care what the other person is thinking, they need to be out of the picture to allow the family to heal.
The entire family now includes the half-sibling and the half-sibling's mother. You are preserving a false little fantasy world, not the family.
False or not, if it is what helps the first family survive, so be it. This is why no one should ever get themselves into these messes, they hurt.