OP I understand where you are coming from. I say this in a non judgmental way - you are in deep. You need to make real sacrifices now to put yourself and family in healthier financial state. Based on your posts, I don't think you are ready, but I really urge you to think of the long game. Just saving for college for 3 kids will be a big challenge in itself. It's unlikely that they will get much financial aid given your HHI. Don't put them in a position where they start their adult life saddled in debt like you did. It's easier to tighten the belt while the kids are young.

OP, this site helped me save a lot of $, the kids can help cook and it's a fun time, we listen to music, talk, etc. In some weird way, learning basic, cheap, healthy cooking was grounding. When cleaning up I packed leftovers as lunches. We all felt better and it spurred me to find other ways of building financial security. http://wegotreal.com/frugal-real-food-meal-plan/

You can lavish borrowed $ on them to show love, or give them the gift of time, happy and relaxed memories and financial security. Maybe even help pay for college so they can start out debt free?

We were a lot like you in lifestyle, but switching to Friday movie night with homemade pizza, Saturday spaghetti and games night and going to the park or a museum on Sunday after church are all free. Sometimes we invite another family along.

If you are lawyers, a switch to private could really boost income but with a lot more hours worked and a lot less security. Why not right size your expectations and spending and relish the job security? My parents grew up poor and never taught me budgeting, cooking, etc. I lavished $ on my kids but also worried about debt. Reading Michelle Singletary and finding healthy affordable meal plans made being secure seem appealing and doable. The lessons she got from family and that she passes on make for a feeling of accomplishment and security that credit can't give you. Imagine what you want kids to remember if they grow up in house you are in. Relaxed loving parents who valued security and family time? Or lots of time in car and delivery pizza? I realized that what seemed gratifying in the moment was not moving us toward what I really valued.

If you do end up splitting, one or both of you may end up in bankruptcy. Start taking steps now to be more financially conservative and to feel good about it. Your husband might not want to engage but you can still make a lot of progress. While they are little, try to maximize family time together while keeping earning potential as high as possible. Mommy tracking does your kids no favors in age of Ashley Madison, many learned that lesson the hard way.

OP, this site helped me save a lot of $, the kids can help cook and it's a fun time, we listen to music, talk, etc. In some weird way, learning basic, cheap, healthy cooking was grounding. When cleaning up I packed leftovers as lunches. We all felt better and it spurred me to find other ways of building financial security.

You can lavish borrowed $ on them to show love, or give them the gift of time, happy and relaxed memories and financial security. Maybe even help pay for college so they can start out debt free?

We were a lot like you in lifestyle, but switching to Friday movie night with homemade pizza, Saturday spaghetti and games night and going to the park or a museum on Sunday after church are all free. Sometimes we invite another family along.

If you are lawyers, a switch to private could really boost income but with a lot more hours worked and a lot less security. Why not right size your expectations and spending and relish the job security? My parents grew up poor and never taught me budgeting, cooking, etc. I lavished $ on my kids but also worried about debt. Reading Michelle Singletary and finding healthy affordable meal plans made being secure seem appealing and doable. The lessons she got from family and that she passes on make for a feeling of accomplishment and security that credit can't give you. Imagine what you want kids to remember if they grow up in house you are in. Relaxed loving parents who valued security and family time? Or lots of time in car and delivery pizza? I realized that what seemed gratifying in the moment was not moving us toward what I really valued.

If you do end up splitting, one or both of you may end up in bankruptcy. Start taking steps now to be more financially conservative and to feel good about it. Your husband might not want to engage but you can still make a Lott of progress. While they are little, try to maximize family time together while keeping earning potential as high as possible. Mommy tracking does your kids no favors in age of Ashley Madison, learned that lesson the hard way.

Anonymous wrote:You know, I'm not going to say no one should have kids, or even 3 kids, with student loan debt, even staggering debt like OP's. But it's about PRIORITIES. You can't do the 3 kids in childcare and the student loans AND the high mortgage house AND two late model cars. It doesn't work. 3 kids and 200K in student loan debt calls for some degree of cheerful, modest frugality, but OP isn't having it.

This is what it comes down to, in my opinion. The $3400 mortgage isn't completely crazy (higher than I'd like for that income, but I'm a little more conservative than most with fixed costs), but it comes with trade offs. That means no late model cars (at least not two), few kids activities, and certainly no expensive summer camps. OP, whatever you've done to this point clearly isn't working, so I hope you plan to figure out which cuts to make.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

3 kids is definitely a "luxury" in this area.
I know many, many families who stopped at 1 or 2 because they couldn't afford a another child.

While a luxury it can be done if priorities are set up at the beginning. I have coworkers who have 4 and 5 kids. The guys make about $120k and the wives stay at home. They live in not too big houses in not awesome school districts and homeschool and don't vacation outside of some family trips. Always bring lunch, drive old vans. The kids are adorable, well behaved and seem content but I doubt anyone goes to any camp or non church event ever. It's their choice and their families. Don't know about student loans for those coworkers but I highly doubt it as most went to state schools for a STEM field and had our company pay for grad school.

+1 Well said!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the last time, OP's oldest child is in elementary school and doesn't need a car seat.
Please and thank you.

They are in K and need a booster.

The music prodigy is in kindergarten. Op- if this is true- you do NOT need music lessons yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

3 kids is definitely a "luxury" in this area.
I know many, many families who stopped at 1 or 2 because they couldn't afford a another child.

While a luxury it can be done if priorities are set up at the beginning. I have coworkers who have 4 and 5 kids. The guys make about $120k and the wives stay at home. They live in not too big houses in not awesome school districts and homeschool and don't vacation outside of some family trips. Always bring lunch, drive old vans. The kids are adorable, well behaved and seem content but I doubt anyone goes to any camp or non church event ever. It's their choice and their families. Don't know about student loans for those coworkers but I highly doubt it as most went to state schools for a STEM field and had our company pay for grad school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

You are projecting. If OP was this shallow they would not live in a townhouse nor drive Honda. They would be in McLean with a bigger house and drive Lexus and Mercedes badges.

Only because someone wouldn't give them the money to borrow.

Bingo. A 3rd child is a status symbol you don't need BOA or PNC to approve for you.

A house in McLean is about the same price s the townhouse in Arlington but conveys more status. You are barking up wrong tree here.

Look, a defensive indebted mom with 3 kids has shown up to the party! Sorry, hon. Being financially irresponsible is so very early 2000s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

You are projecting. If OP was this shallow they would not live in a townhouse nor drive Honda. They would be in McLean with a bigger house and drive Lexus and Mercedes badges.

Only because someone wouldn't give them the money to borrow.

Bingo. A 3rd child is a status symbol you don't need BOA or PNC to approve for you.

A house in McLean is about the same price s the townhouse in Arlington but conveys more status. You are barking up wrong tree here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

You are projecting. If OP was this shallow they would not live in a townhouse nor drive Honda. They would be in McLean with a bigger house and drive Lexus and Mercedes badges.

Only because someone wouldn't give them the money to borrow.

Bingo. A 3rd child is a status symbol you don't need BOA or PNC to approve for you.

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

3 kids is definitely a "luxury" in this area.
I know many, many families who stopped at 1 or 2 because they couldn't afford a another child.

I wouldn't get sidetracked by the number of kids. And it isn't like Op can send a couple of them back, good grief. I didn't catch the ages of all of them but it sounds like at least one is already in school. Their cars should be paid off within the next couple of years depending on their loan terms.

Cut back on activities and maybe find a sitter to watch them over the summer? Maybe forgo the annual vacation for the next couple of years until things ease up? Op lives near all sorts of free and wonderful museums - take advantage of what people come from all over the world to see.

Once the kids are in school and the cars are paid off, things should be easier if activities are managed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

You are projecting. If OP was this shallow they would not live in a townhouse nor drive Honda. They would be in McLean with a bigger house and drive Lexus and Mercedes badges.

Only because someone wouldn't give them the money to borrow.

Anonymous wrote:3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.

You are projecting. If OP was this shallow they would not live in a townhouse nor drive Honda. They would be in McLean with a bigger house and drive Lexus and Mercedes badges.

3 kids is a sign of success in this area. It's a keeping up with the Joneses move for a lot of people.