Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 09:43     Subject: Speechless
I'm suprised that no one has pointed out that the majority of the advice that OP received from 3am to 7am was that it was mean and bullying. That might have also affected OP's reaction, plus her and her daughter were tired. I still think that the teen girls were mean spirited. I think, though, that OP should have only gone forward with being involved if she had asked her DD first, and we don't know if that happened. I feel a little bad for the OP, it's hard to know what to do in those types of situations.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 09:37     Subject: Speechless
A lot of you sound like you would be the parents of Katelyn Roman and Guadalupe Shaw.

As someone who works in criminal justice we see this all the time, defensive parents claiming "harmless pranks" until someone does so,etching unthinkable.

As adults you can't relate to teenage feelings.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 09:28     Subject: Re:Speechless
I think OP's daughter's reaction was perfectly normal.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 08:52     Subject: Speechless
The daughters reaction wasn't over the top at all. She was humiliated and felt betrayed by her friends. How was she supposed to react? With laughter? Unlikely. My reaction at that age would have been waking up my friends, bitching them out, and telling them to call their parents immediately and get the hell out of my house. But that would have been the 1980s when no one had an iPhone. I'm sure the jerky girls took pictures and posted them somewhere....which means it wasn't a practical joke but mean spirited.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 08:43     Subject: Speechless
OP's DD has trouble regulating her emotions. My DD is the same way. Kids like this become FAR more hurt than others, they can't just laugh things off. It can become a serious problem as they get older because life gets more stressful.

This is a nature versus nurture thing because part of this is certainly wiring. OP's DD has probably always been sensitive and it appears OP is as well. The problem is that OP's reaction to this situation (and I'm guessing others) makes things worse. She took it out of her DD's hands, thereby depriving her of a lesson in managing difficult emotions and situations. And her own reaction was so strong that it just fanned the flames.

The problem is measuring what happened here by OP's reaction and her DD's reaction. So posters who want to be sympathetic se show upset they were and work backwards to conclude that the actions justified this level of upset. I'm sympathetic to OP as well. I know what its like to have a DD who gets very, very upset. Its really important to validate the DD's feelings because they are real. And its also possible that she needed OP's help to navigate the situation because she just doesn't have it in her -- yet -- to do it herself. But OP is little help if she has no dispassionate distance, if she can't separate her reaction from her DD's.

These were friends, thats the context. They behaved badly but this was not part of some larger pattern of behavior.

The problem with OP's reaction is that not only will it further exacerbate her DD's sensitivity, but it will drive away these friends. Why would they put up with this? This is especially true because there are two of them and they don't need OP's DD. Who wants a friend who not only runs to her mother but gets their own mothers involved?

OP should have validated her DD's feelings -- "Wow I can see how upset you are. I'm so sorry, I know this is not what you expected from your slumber party" -- and helped her wash it off. Then she should have helped her calm down and once calm encouraged her to express how she felt to the other girls.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 07:39     Subject: Re:Speechless
Anonymous wrote:
So rubbing cookies in her hair wasn't just some random cute "joke" you were playing on her -- you were mad at her, wanted to "get her" -- there was some reason you did it, right?


Yes, this is that PP said

IDK, when I was in 8th grade, one of my friends went through a jerky period where she talked constantly about how many guys liked her, and suggested that if I didn't wear braces and glasses, maybe guys would like me too. A third friend and I rubbed cookies into her hair while she was sleeping at a slumber party. In the end, we had it out, both wound up apologizing, and were friends for several years more until she moved away.

So it could be a fun prank or a revenge prank. But it still is not bullying and the girls still should have worked it out themselves.


Well, people are asking why OP's daughter would have invited these girls over if they were so mean, and they are also saying that it was just a joke, no hostility involved. I think as the cookie-rubber shows, there can be hostility hidden away even in people you think are your best friends.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 23:30     Subject: Speechless
Anonymous wrote:I can't believe any of you actually believe this OP.

Her first tell is the last paragraph of her first post. There are no middle schoolers on Earth who ask an intended victim, over and over, if they are a "heavy sleeper" before pulling a prank.

Any of you who believe that garbage have never known a MS kid.


I believe OP. There are moms out there like her and kids that play into them by telling things like "well I was asleep but I think I heard this, or saw that." The daughter played herself as a victim and created the possibility of the mean-spirited with exaggeration because neither of them can actually relax. They are tense and can't handle a middle school friend's prank.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 23:24     Subject: Speechless
I can't believe any of you actually believe this OP.

Her first tell is the last paragraph of her first post. There are no middle schoolers on Earth who ask an intended victim, over and over, if they are a "heavy sleeper" before pulling a prank.

Any of you who believe that garbage have never known a MS kid.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:33     Subject: Speechless
Completely over the top, OP! Goodness...
I've seen moms like you over and over. Your child will suffer for your over the top reaction. Right or wrong. I know you mean well, and the emotions can be hard to deal with, you HAVE to back off a little.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:12     Subject: Speechless
Anonymous wrote:I wish one of the offending girls parents would come on and tell us their daughter's version of events. We need the other side!


Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:08     Subject: Speechless
I wish one of the offending girls parents would come on and tell us their daughter's version of events. We need the other side!
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:00     Subject: Re:Speechless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

IDK, when I was in 8th grade, one of my friends went through a jerky period where she talked constantly about how many guys liked her, and suggested that if I didn't wear braces and glasses, maybe guys would like me too. A third friend and I rubbed cookies into her hair while she was sleeping at a slumber party. In the end, we had it out, both wound up apologizing, and were friends for several years more until she moved away.


Yeah but did her mom freak out about the cookie crumbs as bullying and sit you down for a "conversation?" THAT is the issue. Kids are supposed to work things out. Best friends, good friends, and so-so friends ALL get into stupid catty fights and do jokes, prans, say something they shouldn't have etc... It is how THEY deal with it that decides the fate of their friendship. You bring moms in to settle the "dispute" and all bets are off


That is a fair point. If her mom had become involved, vs. us just having the fight about it, I don't think we would have made up. I would not have felt comfortable confronting her about the reason that I did it in front of her mother. I think we needed to have the fight and get our respective issues out in the open in order to move on.


So rubbing cookies in her hair wasn't just some random cute "joke" you were playing on her -- you were mad at her, wanted to "get her" -- there was some reason you did it, right?


Yes, this is that PP said

IDK, when I was in 8th grade, one of my friends went through a jerky period where she talked constantly about how many guys liked her, and suggested that if I didn't wear braces and glasses, maybe guys would like me too. A third friend and I rubbed cookies into her hair while she was sleeping at a slumber party. In the end, we had it out, both wound up apologizing, and were friends for several years more until she moved away.

So it could be a fun prank or a revenge prank. But it still is not bullying and the girls still should have worked it out themselves.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:54     Subject: Speechless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^While it's true that different people take things differently (maybe the girls thought that their friend would laugh and think it was funny), when the girls realized that they had upset their friend, they should have apologized.

Of course, the Op stepped in and handled the whole incident, gave the girls a good talking to, reported it to the girls' parents...

Hopefully, the girls will make up and remain friends.



Why would they remain friends? Who would want the friendship after this all went down? How would it be healthy in any way for any of them?


Yes, it would be way healthier for them to see each others' points of view, apologize and make up than it would be for them to avoid/not speak to/shun each other over this stupid prank. I think that if they can do that, they can still be friends.


Of course it would be. But when the girls are seen as bullies and as malicious and are confronted and told they defaced their friend and given a big lecture and told that people cried for hours. Then they get home and find out that emails went out at 3 am about them...those are not good conditions to work through this healthily. Why would Ops daughter want to stay friends if she and her mom think they are bullies, and assuming they just thought it was a joke gone wrong, why would they other girls want to be friends when that is how their joke ended up?


Good points. As a 13 year old, I think I would have been pretty mad if my friend had automatically assumed jerky intentions on my part and had gone running to her mommy to tell on me.


It is obvious that a mom having chest pains over something this trivial has heightened her own daughter's anxiety, thus the crying up to mom at 3am. This poor girl doesn't stand a chance of normal middle school, high school, and college years with this much unnecessary stress. Unfortunately, girls are going to avoid her.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:52     Subject: Speechless
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Of course it would be. But when the girls are seen as bullies and as malicious and are confronted and told they defaced their friend and given a big lecture and told that people cried for hours. Then they get home and find out that emails went out at 3 am about them...those are not good conditions to work through this healthily. Why would Ops daughter want to stay friends if she and her mom think they are bullies, and assuming they just thought it was a joke gone wrong, why would they other girls want to be friends when that is how their joke ended up?


I wouldn't have wanted to stay friends with at least one of the girls involved in this situation, if she had done something like OP described to me. I think that girl (the instigator) is bad news.

BTW crumbling cookies in someone's hair is stupid, but it's not like squirting makeup all over someone's face to make them look "hideous". I think the two actions are very different, symbolically.


If these were crappy, mean-spirited girls why on earth would the Op's daughter invite them over for a sleep over? Why assume all these bad intentions?
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:49     Subject: Re:Speechless
So rubbing cookies in her hair wasn't just some random cute "joke" you were playing on her -- you were mad at her, wanted to "get her" -- there was some reason you did it, right?


No, rubbing stuff in someone's hair was not ever my idea of a joke. I was mad at her for being mean to me. I will say, though, that my brother's friends seemed to consider things like that to be a joke, even if they were not mad at the person at all. I wonder if it is a male/female thing. I don't know.