Anonymous wrote:I found myself on here I see years later from the original post because I am now feeling the same way. My husband doesn't put effort into buying me gifts. He just buys gifts and this year he is supposedly buying a shared gift. I don't want to share my gift. If its shared then it's really for him I feel because he could have gotten this shared gift today with me and not for me and him for Christmas. We have been together 8 plus years, I ask for nothing all year every year. I even told him he doesn't have to get me a gifts Valentines Day because I just don't care about that. However, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I would like something thoughtful. I don't care about costs. I care about feeling like someone put effort into something. Honestly, he just doesn't put effort into anything really. I feel alone sitting next to him and the fact that he bought a shared gift and thinks it is ok just intensifies how alone I am in this marriage. I don't know what to do because he is a good man, husband, and father. I have never had any martial issues besides the fact that I feel alone being with him. I have told him this so many times and nothing has changed😔. What else can I do to change this or get it through to him?

Tell him how you feel. Tell him that Christmas is your favorite holiday and you would really like a special gift just for you, not a shared gift. Give him a few ideas - a purse, a watch, nice headphones, whatever floats your boat.

But also, it kind of sounds like this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say that he is a good man, husband, and father, but he's oblivious in this one area, which causes you to feel alone and not seen. And your feelings are your feelings, and I don't mean to invalidate them. But you could also tell yourself a different story . . . you could tell yourself that he simply doesn't view presents the same way that you do, and he just isn't understanding what it means to you. You could really root yourself in your belief that he loves you and wants to make you happy, and you could broach this subject from that place.

Anonymous wrote:I got an ant farm once. Didn't even come with the damn ants!

As an adult? WTF!

I know this is an old thread but it's perennially relevant.

Honestly the keys to a happy marriage are to a) accept that your partner is who they are, b) assign positive intent to their actions, c) advocate for what's really important to you, and d) let the rest go.

I was raised in a family with really extravagant Christmases. We made lists and got each other most of what we asked for. It was a real bacchanalia of consumerism, lol. So that was my expectation going into marriage, which confused and stressed out my husband. Some years he refused to look at my list as a matter or principle. Some years he forgot to get me anything and ran out to the museum next door at the last minute, so all of my presents were museum gift shop items. One year he told me that the piece of jewelry I wanted was embarrassing. It was just all sorts of misunderstandings and mismatched expectations.

But now in our 40s we're past all of this because we give each other grace and always assume positive intent. We've moved past internalizing the other person's misunderstandings as rejection; we self-soothe and self-advocate. I've let go of as many expectations as possible, and my husband has started trying to see the present thing through my lens instead of his.

Gift giving can definitely be an indication of things that are not going well in your relationship, but you can work on those things. I stuff my own stocking with essential oils and cooking magazines and licorice because that's more fun for me than getting whatever is available in the checkout line at CVS, lol. My husband isn't going to be a good stocking stuffer unless I micromanage him into oblivion, and nobody wants that. But that's OK, because he has plenty of good qualities.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't understand why this "bums" you out each year when it's been happening since you know the guy. Um, isn't it past time to accept that this is just how your husband is and stop taking it personally? Hello, love languages anyone? does he show that he cares about you and cherishes you in other ways? Just because his way of showing you he cares doesn't conform to your preconceived ideals doesn't mean he doesn't cherish you.

If I were you, I'd get off this frustration hamster wheel already. Have him get you a gift card and go buy whatever it is your heart desires.

Ugh. Pop psych, sell help drivel.

Anonymous wrote:While dating, my husband bought me a book titled "How Dogs Think".

He had a dog, and I was new to dogs so he was trying to have me more comfortable with dogs, but still...not exactly a romantic gift. The gift giving hasn't improved from there.

I've accepted that gifts just isn't his strong suit. He loves me and shows it in a million ways, but gifts just isn't one of them.

HAHAHAHA.

I’m sorry, I’m not laughing *at* you. I’m sure that felt crappy. But the absurdity. Damn.

I found myself on here I see years later from the original post because I am now feeling the same way. My husband doesn't put effort into buying me gifts. He just buys gifts and this year he is supposedly buying a shared gift. I don't want to share my gift. If its shared then it's really for him I feel because he could have gotten this shared gift today with me and not for me and him for Christmas. We have been together 8 plus years, I ask for nothing all year every year. I even told him he doesn't have to get me a gifts Valentines Day because I just don't care about that. However, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I would like something thoughtful. I don't care about costs. I care about feeling like someone put effort into something. Honestly, he just doesn't put effort into anything really. I feel alone sitting next to him and the fact that he bought a shared gift and thinks it is ok just intensifies how alone I am in this marriage. I don't know what to do because he is a good man, husband, and father. I have never had any martial issues besides the fact that I feel alone being with him. I have told him this so many times and nothing has changed😔. What else can I do to change this or get it through to him?

😔

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!!!!!!! OMG I'm dying. I jus opened this thread, in 2020, from 2011, thinking "wow, I remember responding to a thread like this." I'm the first PP on this thread. The lotion PP.

It's 2020. My birthday is in September. Guess what I got this year and every year? LOTION!!!! Ladies, it's been 9 years and I've gotten lotion every. single. year. And guess what? I don't give a rat's ass. I say thank you, thank you or my present, thank you for letting our daughter see you remember and celebrating her mother. I have learned over these last nine years to get what I want for myself, and let him get me what he thinks makes me happy and we have a nice moment and we move on with life.

Don't sweat this crap. Honestly.

girl take that credit card and treat yo self. Also, buy a card and have him sign it.

My DH refuses to buy me anything if it is on a list. So I can't specifically tell him what I want, but every time he buys something for me it is awful. At some point, at least for joint things like Christmas and Anniversary, I just started saying things like.. lets not do gifts this year. Let's buy a new dishwasher instead (or whatever household item we might need). This at least eliminated some of the gift waste and hurt feelings. For other things, I have perfected the grin and bear it approach. And we decided on financial limits, which at least helps me know he wont be spending an arm and leg on something I wont like.

Anonymous wrote:Buy your own gift in October or November, keep the receipt. Hand him both and tell him to wrap it or to return it only if he first shows you something and asks if you would prefer it.

I did this one year minus the receipt. He promptly misplaced and forgot about my gift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you give him a wish list? Give him a lot of things to choose from so you'll still have a bit of a surprise.

I’ve tried this, it didn’t work. He usually ignores my Amazon Wishlist and buys something completely different.

Mine does this as well. Or asks me for the link or name of shop day before my birthday. Or on my birthday. For Valentine’s Day he bought me (him) bed pillows. I was happy with the ones we had. So romantic.

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you give him a wish list? Give him a lot of things to choose from so you'll still have a bit of a surprise.

I’ve tried this, it didn’t work. He usually ignores my Amazon Wishlist and buys something completely different.

As soon as I realized my husband sucked at picking out gifts for me I took the bull by the horns! This was in the first few years. Rather then being disappointed and feeling resentful I now pick out my gifts. Now I get exactly what I want and love it. Very very few men are good gift givers. This past valentines he says, honey I didn’t have time to get you anything. In two seconds I sent him a link to earrings I had my eyes on and BAM! My bday coming up here soon and the link will be sent.

Anonymous wrote:What is wring with yiu women? I wanted new knives for Christmas. I send him the exact brand ans model. Guess what i got for Christmas? The EXACT thing i asked for...knives. why are so manybof yiu struggling? Are you mute?

My XW never let me hear the end of it when I bought her exactly what she asked for.

Somehow I was just telepathically supposed to ignore what she said and get her what she really wanted.